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 Posted: Sun Jan 15, 2012 3:15 pm
" You took your burdens and your lies
and made a form of lust we call a knife.
You cut the cradle made up of your arms-
the one I laid in every time I died.
You'd have a right mind to ******** choke me.
You've been suffocating me for all these years.
A restraining order against sanity,
Pieces that have never been mended.
If you had to choose to let me sink or swim
You'd have me drown in the lakes of hell.
A love like a grind-core melody,
simply non-existant.
You're heart is a nuke bomb;
falling. Falling. Falling. Falling-
And it bursts.
Saint Misery has died once again,
Even the Devil would brace for impact. "
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Posted: Sun Jan 15, 2012 5:42 pm
i enjoyed the metaphors and the imagery in the poem but im not a fan of dark poems since its an overused theme
nice
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Posted: Sun Jan 15, 2012 6:59 pm
GhostlyMark i enjoyed the metaphors and the imagery in the poem but im not a fan of dark poems since its an overused theme nice Well, most poetry can get so deep is seems really dark. Besides, I'm sort of a dark person, so I write dark poetry. Thanks for the comment <3
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Posted: Mon Jan 16, 2012 7:35 am
Dark poetry does tend to be prevalent, but I am such a fan of it when it's well written. As it is here. (I really do wish I could write like you!) This time, since I've slept, I'm going to attempt a critique.
I think I'll start, again, with what lines I absolutely loved. "A restraining order against sanity" That was quite clever. I haven't heard that before. Saint Misery has died once again, Even the Devil would brace for impact. " I can't even state what those lines do. They tie it all together and leave me shell-shocked. I can't move for a few moments. heart
Now I'll say some things I personally didn't enjoy as much. Take these for what they're worth.
"You're heart is a nuke bomb;" should actually be "Your heart is a nuke bomb;" ..."and made a form of lust we call a knife." For me, personally, the first line and the second line didn't flow together as well. The second line, I think, feels a little staccato when I read it. (I'm awful at critiquing, I apologize. Take everything with a grain of salt.) One last thing is "You cut the cradle made up of your arms." It may work just as well with "You cut the cradle made of your arms."
Overall, though, I think you did a wonderful job. You write well and keep so much emotion. You also walk the line with things that could become awful cliches if you let it, but you turn them around on their heads. You are good. I appreciate you sharing. heart
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Posted: Mon Jan 16, 2012 12:11 pm
I adore this idea. Like Jessa Hazel said, the last line is very impacting, much like the idea of the falling nuke.
Jessa Hazel also indicated some grammar and flow points that I agree with. My suggestion would be structure. I feel that the poem would have more of an impact if you broke it into paragraphs for each idea.
The first would probably be from the start to "... died." The second, from "You'd have a right..." to "...been mended." The third from "If you had..." to "...lakes of hell." The fourth from " A love like..." to "nonexistent***." The fifth from "Your*** heart..." to "Falling-".
Make "And it bursts." its own line if you really want impact. Then the last two line would be the final stanza.
You could experiment with breaking up your poem however you like. I think it would really add impact and suspense to the already impacting and suspenseful poem.
Still in love with the last line.
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Posted: Mon Jan 16, 2012 2:36 pm
heart it smile "dark" poetry is almost always straight from the heart and has the most meaning behind its usually from someone pouring there heart out and its my favorite style of writing
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Posted: Fri Feb 24, 2012 5:33 pm
Jessa Hazel Dark poetry does tend to be prevalent, but I am such a fan of it when it's well written. As it is here. (I really do wish I could write like you!) This time, since I've slept, I'm going to attempt a critique. I think I'll start, again, with what lines I absolutely loved. "A restraining order against sanity" That was quite clever. I haven't heard that before. Saint Misery has died once again, Even the Devil would brace for impact. " I can't even state what those lines do. They tie it all together and leave me shell-shocked. I can't move for a few moments. heart Now I'll say some things I personally didn't enjoy as much. Take these for what they're worth.
"You're heart is a nuke bomb;" should actually be "Your heart is a nuke bomb;" ..."and made a form of lust we call a knife." For me, personally, the first line and the second line didn't flow together as well. The second line, I think, feels a little staccato when I read it. (I'm awful at critiquing, I apologize. Take everything with a grain of salt.) One last thing is "You cut the cradle made up of your arms." It may work just as well with "You cut the cradle made of your arms." Overall, though, I think you did a wonderful job. You write well and keep so much emotion. You also walk the line with things that could become awful cliches if you let it, but you turn them around on their heads. You are good. I appreciate you sharing. heart I half assed this one. I wanted to use the line "You cut the cradle made up of your arms"(or something like that) in a poem. Definitly not as good as "Faceless"(another creation of mine). I appreciate that grammar advice though smile
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Posted: Fri Feb 24, 2012 6:25 pm
very nicely done, i deeply enjoy dark material. i am at a loss for words on how much i like it
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