a short song i wrote, is it any good?

[_Built_to_Offend_666]

CONNIPTIONS

Ugly is all I will ever truly be
My eyes only can see the darkness around me
Choking on the things you have shoved down me
Fifty-two holes stabbed inside of me
Exhausting my last breath to lament my pain
Losing everything and nothing to gain
Reminiscing times when I used to be sane
Now I've exploded and cannot be tamed

Bleeding everywhere (Flopping around as you stare)
Bleeding everywhere (Flopping around as you stare)
Bleeding everywhere (Flailing about as you stare)
Bleeding everywhere (Flailing about as you stare)
Bleeding everywhere (My outbreak of pain as you stare)
Bleeding everywhere (My outbreak of pain as you stare)
Bleeding everywhere (Twitching about as you stare)
Bleeding everywhere (Twitching about as you stare)
Bleeding everywhere
Bleeding everywhere
Bleeding everywhere
Bleeding everywhere
Bleeding
Bleeding
Bleeding
Bleeding
Empty

 

[Polaree]

you rhyme me with me...and it makes the song loose it's edge. What I mean is that it's repetative.

I think it would go well with a heavy metal beat. xd  

[_Built_to_Offend_666]

history_nazi

you rhyme me with me...and it makes the song loose it's edge. What I mean is that it's repetative.

I think it would go well with a heavy metal beat. xd

ya, it was meant for death metal/hardcore kinda thing. to be sung kinda like the ending of the song 'scissors' by slipknot combined with the Korn song 'twist'