Bersat Tweeli - Orangeblood [TOTAL REVAMP OMG DO NOT LOOK]

[Wind Vestal]

Name:

Blood colour: Orangeblood

Gender: Male

Symbol: △△
 
Personality:
 
Strengths:
Flaws:
 
Weapon:
 
Appearance: His shoes are very fancy, and are also his only pair, which he nicked from a high blue blood in a fit of rebellious rage. It's pretty much the bravest thing he's ever done and he takes like an hour to care for them every night, because he wants them to last forever, which they won't but don't tell him that because he will whap you in the face. Bersat's hair is curly, somewhat frizzy, and never looks neat, no matter how much he tries to make it look presentable. His horns are thick and curve down at the ends, giving him a somewhat droopy appearance. His cheeks and nose are covered in thick freckles, which completely embarass him and are framed in orange whenever another troll talks about them.
 
Home: Bersat lives in the middle of New Hemisect City. His hive is small, about the equivalent of a small apartment. . What a lame kid.
 
Lusus:

Power: None.  

[Wind Vestal]

Version 1.0 is out! Crits are a GO!  

[amicableAggressor]

while his blood colour precariously straddles the thin line between flushed and fruity, he is actually an orangeblood wink

also, lusus cannot have colours on them, so the fur colour on sheepmom's got to go. the only colour they have is their blood, which matches their trolls :>  

[Wind Vestal]

Oh, okay! I shall fix that right now!

And yeah. I kind of meant that that it was the same reddish color but I was totally vauge with that. Shall fix that now as well.  

[Galaxa13]

You say he thinks it's his job to fix how things are run. What do you mean by that? Does he want to overthrow the queen and put himself in charge? Does he want to be an adviser to the queen? It seems odd that he wants to fix the government, but seems perfectly happy being a chef. Would he rather work in government than in a kitchen? If not, then how do the two things tie in together?

You make comments about girl vs. boy stuff. I don't know exactly how this would work in troll society. Gender roles aren't really there so I would tone down the separation of the genders that you have going on. This doesn't mean that he can't still like the same things, I'm just suggesting that you don't assign these things to be masculine or feminine.

He also seems interested in romance so I would go deeper into that. Does he flirt, or is he shy and longing for romance? He seems particularly interested in being flushed, but what are his views on the other quadrants? How does he interact with his fellow trolls? You have him as mean and harsh, but runs away from fights. Does he have an inferiority complex that makes him puff up when there isn't anything to back it up?

I hope this helps. =B  

[Silverah]

Hi! Like Galaxa pointed out before me, Trolls don't have the same sense of masculine and feminine that people have! It's less likely that Bersat would be teased for liking "girl things" as you've put it so much as he'd be teased for being a complete wuss. "Girly things" and "Cooking" are less a weakness and a strength as they are hobbies - strengths and weaknesses are more supposed to be the base factors of his personality.

"Weak" is off to a good start, but I think you can take it further. What other strategies does he use to avoid conflict before resorting to hitting people? Is he ingratiating, a doormat... what? You say he avoids confrontation, but then it seems like the first thing he does when confrontation happens is hit people! Does he do anything to try and keep it from getting to that point?

"Whiny" would definitely be a good weakness to look into. Also, you say at the top of his personality that he's harsh, annoying, and mean - those are definitely things to play with as flaws!

For his virtues, think about maybe his sense of justice or determination that you've implied with his views on Alternian politics, or give him something that would genuinely make other trolls like him or want to seek his company! Cooking is not a strength, it's a hobby, and even though you can build his profile around that, you shouldn't mistake that for him actually having a redeeming side to his personality.

I like the idea that he's a bit of a wuss, and his shoes are wonderful. :B I'm sure you'll get it sorted out!  

[kamileunaire]

I really stink at crits, but I had to say that I love the idea of such a tiny lusus, and that sheep really goes well with him XD. FRACKING ADORABLE.  

[- h a b i b a t i -]

Well, i'm not good at crits... But some suggestions might help C:

Personality: Normally, Bersat is harsh, kind of annoying, and mean. He hates the way Alternia is governed and thinks it is his job to fix it. But in private Bersat is generally whiny and effeminate, and is somewhat obsessed with quadrants and his appearance. He tends to yell when he is annoyed and wears himself out quickly, which he denies. Bersat tends to make friends with girls more than boys, because boys play too roughhe is a ladies man. Bersat is actually quite good at cooking and works at a resturaunt in the downtown area of NHC(okay just look over this for now, I'm asking about it but it will stay here for now).

Okay, some traits i picked up : harsh, (kinda) annoying, mean, whiny, effeminate, and obssesed with quadrants and his apperance... Isn't those suppose to be some kind of flaws? <--- I don't know for sure, but yeah, i think so.

And just a suggestion, it might be good if you give a reason why he lives in NHC C:  

[Wind Vestal]

Version 1.1 is out! I pretty much completly revamped his strengths/weaknesses, I changed the wimpy stuff to accomidate for Alternia's lack of gender definition, and i added some stuff to personality and lusus.

CRIT AWAY!!!!!!!  

[Boocifer]

Bersat tends to make friends with feminine trolls more than tough trolls because boys play too rough.

Feminine != not tough despite what society would like you to believe. I mean, in the HS fandom alone, let's have a look at Kanaya yeah? Maybe a better descriptor would be "Bersat tends to make friends with quiet/calm/gentle/non-confrontational trolls more than tough/violent/boisterous trolls because they play too rough"

Just a small gripe on my part c:  

[Wind Vestal]

Ah, noted and fixed!  

[matisha]

CRIT TIME!!!

Oh look at this, here I come to mess up your thread 8DDDD I want your guy in action so I will try and focus on the main points and be as clear as I can be for you!

Personality:

You mentioned about his hate for the way the government runs things, where did his love for law come along? Especially since he wants to re-write it! What qualifications does he think he has to be able to do this and do a good job? You may be able to come up with another strength or two with this question in mind!

I think the term effeminate is fine but needs to be explained in a more trollian way! So concentrate more of the whiny, drama-queen aspects of this!

Strength

Forgiving: - This is a nice trait that we see a lot, nothing wrong with that but I would like the bit about him seeing it as "another wimpy attribute" explained further. With him being so faint-hearted anyway surely this is a good thing! He wouldn't want to loose friends so being accepting of other trolls flaws would be a benefit! Is it that he wants to be more 'macho', distancing himself from his own personality? I think he should embrace it! Would make for a very interesting character!

Speedy: Although it is good to have an athletic strength maybe make it to combine quick thinking? We want to make sure strengths are not so easily destroyed in the long run, so say if he became crippled this strength will become null-in-void! Maybe combine it with his cooking talents? When he cooks and something goes wrong he can fix it quickly or is able to think of new recipes fast with only a little ingredient etc etc This could then be moulded into something more for the future as he gets older! Also helping out his interest in Law by thinking up news ones say if something goes terribly wrong!

Flaws:

Harsh: - I think the term harsh is actually too harsh to describe him! Especially with his forgiving /wimpy nature the fact he is a angry/nasty troll seems to conflict with his almost shy personality. The ability for him to relax around people and to allow them to cook with him is nice and calming, other trolls wont do this is he is being cruel to them at the same time! Maybe find another term to describe his attitude, he can be a bit of d**k.short with people but really is a big softy inside. Harsh just depicts a horrible person in my mind.

Wimp: - This needs more info, explain how he may be weak in strength as well so he wont be good in a fight. If he is perceived as a 'wuss' to other trolls and as others have pointed out, the rules of social norms between genders are blurred in the troll community. Where as here it would be more than acceptable to have a male run society, troll-universe is more inclined for girl power and those 'feminine flaws' men use to describe other men wont be understood as much! I think you should explain this trait as more about being easy to scared/skittish/coward/ vulnerable etc - maybe even adding a few more flaws in? (remember to balance it with strengths if you do!) You could also adapt the 'annoying' trait into a flaw, as someone who will rather hide behind another troll than face confrontation? These are all just suggestions of course!


Overall Summary

Good ground work but a lot of things missing/need to be re-typed to get a clearer character. I like that he is into cooking and the law factor is something I find very interesting! He may make a future Legislacerator one day!! I hoped this helps!