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Homestuck inspired troll related b/c 

Tags: homestuck, troll, breedables, mspa, alternia 

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Vreslo Tigre - Orangeblood (Crits please?) - FIXED! *again* Goto Page: 1 2 [>] [»|]

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PostPosted: Thu Dec 01, 2011 10:22 pm
User Image - Blocked by "Display Image" Settings. Click to show.Name: Vreslo Tigre (nickname : Vreslo, Vresti)
Vreslo (from the word 'Vreesloos') is African for fearless, and 'Tigre' is tiger in Basque.

Blood colour: Orange, HEX code : #cd482d.

Gender: Female.

Symbol: △△, but separated by her shirt.

Personality: As she lives alone, on Busthind Mountain, Vreslo learned many things. But Vreslo (which is actually an active, or more like hyperactive loud troll) has no boundaries for adventure! She can venture the land on her own. She's brave and fearless, she's not afraid of the dark, or any dangerous challenges (that's why she stays/lives in Busthind Mountain; she finds it quite exciting and challenging). At first, it might seem hard to be friends with Vreslo, since she's arrogant and all. She likes to show off the things she has, even if it is not really great. Most of the items she show off is from her adventures. Sometimes she took others items, and without even using it, just kept it in her backpack. She's kleptomaniac. But after you know her better, she'll open up like a flower, and she'll be loyal to you (her friend)! She'll risk it all for her friends, even her life. Vreslo doesn't like complicated things. She can think through problems with a cool head (which means without panicking, or anger). Vreslo loves adventure and cooking. She found her love to cooking because of living on her own, she has to cook her own food. She finds cooking really fun, and her food is really tasty (to her, well yes)! About the caste system there is in Alternia is just dumb. Why? Because she thinks everyone should be equal, since it's unfair that just because the difference of the blood color, you could get into a whole new higher level of caste there is in Alternia.

Strengths:
Fearless
Overall, Vreslo is brave, and fearless. She won't go back down, just because of a tough (or small) challenge, she'll go through it! Though, she's not exactly really fearless, but she is fearless on most things.
Loyal
Vreslo is a loyal girl. She'll stick up to other trolls that knows her a lot. So in short, Vreslo is very loyal to everyone she thinks is her friends, and she'll do anything for them.
Independent
Living on the Busthind Mountain automaticly makes Vreslo to 'manage' herself, and manage Ullal also, since they both live on the mountain alone, far away from other residents of the Busthind Mountain.

Flaws:
Arrogant
Well, knowing Vreslo is hard. Since from the outside, she looks arrogant! But she is arrogant. She'll go brag almost everything that she has, especially the ones that others don't have.
Kleptomaniac
She could take other's items, without any purpose, just keeping it lying on her property. Or, if she suddenly 'snapped out' from her kleptomaniac acts, she'll brag the items she took.
Hyperactive
Vreslo is an active girl, but when she's playing too much (and having too much fun), she's having trouble to stop what she's doing. She'll keep on doing it! If she does want to stop, she'll try to bore / make herself tired by doing other tiring activities. But still, that doesn't really work because Vreslo is pretty much hyperactive. So it'll take a lot more than just 1 person to make Vreslo 'stay in her place'.

Weapon: Tekko - Gama (Japanese)
Otherwise known as 'hand claws'. She wears it in her hand (duh. :l). It looks like this.

Appearance: [OFFICIAL SHOP ART]
Vreslo has a puffy, messy, black-ish hair. Her orange horns are like bull horns, and it's appearing from her left and right side of her puffy hair, a little bit higher from where the ears are. Her right side of the hair is clipped with 2 orange triangle clips (which looks like her symbols). Her left side of the hair is tied with an orange rope. Her eyes are dark orange, and has some freckles on her face. And of course, her skin is gray.
She wears dark (black) v-neck shirt, covered with a dark (gray) shirt, with her symbols in the middle, and separated by her dark (gray) open shirt. She also wears a black plain skirt, which has 2 small pockets on the left and right side (not visible), for her to carry her things. She wears dark gray boots, and dark black stockings, with a line in the middle of it (not really visible, though).

Home: Vreslo lives on the mountain (Busthind Mountain). She chooses to live there, because she finds Busthind Mountain is challenging (for her, challenge = fun = adventures!), and also exciting.

Lusus: Vreslo's lusus looks like a saber tooth cat, but has 3 tails, and his size is as an average house cat, but a little bit bigger. Vreslo named him Ullal, which means 'fang' in Catalan. Ullal is hyperactive and loud, just like Vreslo, who is loud and active. If Vreslo's having an adventure, Ullal would come with her, as he has great passion for adventure.

Power:
None  
PostPosted: Fri Dec 02, 2011 5:30 am
grats on winning her! o vo she's so cute <3

lets see, a few things noticed without going terribly into detail:

trolls aren't really 'born'. they hatch, and live in caves underground as grubs until they meet their 'parent', or lusus. which brings me to the point trolls don't have parents like you described!

vreslo is a low blood living in Four Fronds, where high bloods HUNT low bloods. it's doubtful she would be allowed to live in the community around the lake, and instead would be living off alone in the forest where she would be hunted. but she's lazy and carefree- is this a good thing? haha. you say she's relaxed because of where she lives, but I don't think that's how Four Fronds works.

trolls also don't differentiate between male and female. it's all the same to them!

also, i'm unsure if you're allowed to have powers or not but i guess that's up to Ami. I assumed they were 'special' and were hard to get, like seadwellers. < u<

as for your lusus, i'm pretty sure they have to be all white. none of the canon lusi have any sort of markings or colouring aside from their blood and eyes!

i also see many grammar errors, but im sure some proofreading will take care of that. <:  

melona-pan
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PostPosted: Fri Dec 02, 2011 8:13 pm
m e a m e a a
Alright, thank you for everything C: Yeah my grammar's not really good, since i'm Indonesian XD i'll try to fix it up in a jiffy C:

Again, thank you very much!  
PostPosted: Sat Dec 03, 2011 5:18 pm
quickly looking through this


first off, no power, sorry! only trolls that specifically state they get powers can have one.

also, traditional magic doesn't exist in the troll universe (only technology that is so advanced it appears to be magic, and mind-based powers like telekenisis) so her wand wouldn't have worked anyway.

second off, busthind is not a relaxing place, it is a freezing and dangerous mountain! gonk i recommend re-reading information on the locations.

finally trolls do not have parents. please read the information threads and info about how they are born (birth and childhood section). you need to understand how the race works to be allowed into the store, as otherwise your character will not fit in
:<  

amicableAggressor
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PostPosted: Wed Dec 07, 2011 10:42 pm
amicableAggressor
Thank you for the crit! C: **fixed**  
PostPosted: Wed Dec 07, 2011 10:44 pm
it's not fixed, as it still mentions her parents. sad

trolls do not have parents.

if i see another 'fixed' notice while still mentioning her parents, i'm afraid i'll have to give her to someone else who can write an appropriate profile for her  

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PostPosted: Wed Dec 07, 2011 10:50 pm
amicableAggressor
Wait--- I think i fixed that earlier. I must've forgot to click the submit button o.o''

However, if you want to give it to someone else, sure. C: I don't really mind with it. I might as well participate in the other contests. C:  
PostPosted: Wed Dec 07, 2011 10:52 pm
alright, i'll wait to see the updated version

i don't think you quite understand, if someone doesn't get a troll due to being unable to write a proper description, they won't be likely allowed to try for another one as the fundamental problem is still there sad  

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PostPosted: Wed Dec 07, 2011 10:55 pm
But Vreslo (which is actually an active, or more like hyperactive loud troll), without her parents, she has no boundaries!  
PostPosted: Wed Dec 07, 2011 10:58 pm
amicableAggressor
*fixed*  

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Sugi Kawakita

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PostPosted: Sat Dec 10, 2011 8:27 pm
One thing that jumps out straight away is that she's described as clumsy, carefree, and absentminded, but lives on Busthind Mountain, which is like
THE place you absolutely do not want to live if you're chronically klutzy! The bigger mountains are pretty ridiculously dangerous IRL, and I imagine Alternian mountains are even crazier. If you don't outright changing either the flaws or the location, you should to go into detail about how she manages to survive in an icy hellhole full of chasms and cliffsides while tripping everywhere.

Relaxed also seems a bit contradictory to the rest of her personality, especially the hyperactive part. A loud adventurous braggart who lives on a treacherous mountain doesn't seem like they'd be the most chill person.

Clumsy and absent-minded could probably be merged into one flaw as well, they're similar enough, but that might be getting sort of nitpicky.

Fix those up and I'll give it another look-over, see what else jumps out. c:  
PostPosted: Sun Dec 11, 2011 3:47 am
Sugi Kawakita
Whoa. I never thought of that *slaps face*. Thank you for the crit, i really appreciate it! C:

-- Edited the flaws by adding 'Suspicious/mistrusting' C:  

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Sugi Kawakita

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PostPosted: Sun Dec 11, 2011 6:33 pm
Aha, sorry if it seems I'm badgering you, but fearless and mistrusting could use some elaboration on how they work with each other. If she's so fearless, why is she suspicious of new people? What does she have to fear from a stranger when she braves the mountain every day?

I wouldn't say you necessarily have to change one of them, just go into detail about them. Why is she so mistrusting of new people despite not fearing anything else? Was she given a reason to mistrust people at a young age, perhaps betrayed by a partner on a mountain expedition? Has living mostly alone up on the mountain simply made her antisocial?  
PostPosted: Tue Dec 13, 2011 12:01 am
Sugi Kawakita
WHOA. Never thought of that dude. C: Thanks a lot C: Sorry if i'm really bothering you (and also stupid) D:

***fixed  

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PostPosted: Wed Dec 14, 2011 9:24 pm
Not at all! This is a part of my job here, after all, wouldn't have volunteered if I was bothered by critting profiles. If anything, seems like I'd be bothering you, haha.

Is her love of adventure stronger than her fear of loneliness? It would be odd to isolate yourself on a fierce mountain if you were so afraid of being lonely. This is another one of those things that might not need changing as much as it needs detail, and if you do choose to elaborate on it, you may want to touch upon the dynamic of her mistrust of strangers contrasting with her fear of being alone! c:  
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