Venting about my life issues (warning: reaalllly long)

[R E P H A II M]

((I apologize in advance for how long this is. ^^; ))

I had been fighting with myself whether or not to finally talk to someone about this. Especially since I know this is gonna sound really angsty and whiny but I know I have to suck up my pride and start to get help with this somewhere even if its just an online forum since I really can't get "professional" help not only because of financial issues but because of my fear of talking to people. I know that I've been in a state of denial about my depression and social anxiety for a long long time, always telling myself that "oh you will get over it". I've dealt with it so long that just being able to push it away for a while and act semi "normal" has become second nature to me. No one really knows, I think I have my parents and relatives fooled into thinking I'm "happy" at least but I know I can't do it forever, its just becoming so tiresome to deal with and I know its wearing down on me. I've been crying more when I'm alone, (crying as I type this right now actually) never used to as I'm usually not a crier at all, I always feel like crying is a weak thing to do and whenever I did feel like it I'd just be able to beat the urge down but lately I just can't help it lately and I guess I don't feel as bad letting my emotions out when no one is around. I'm always tired, I either sleep too much or sleep very little or none at all (just last week I went two and a half days straight without it) but it doesn't matter anyway because the few times I've been able to get a undisturbed good nights rest I feel tired anyway. I just don't want to do anything, If I could I'd just lay in bed all day and sleep forever. My sense of self worth is zero, my confidence is zero, I just feel like a complete waste of oxygen and space.

I've always been known as the quiet shy girl, and its always been impossible for me to form close friends. The "friends" I've had have been more acquaintance like or they just eventually fade away in my life. This is mainly due to my anxiety, I dread any face to face interaction with another human being, I know I come off as extremely awkward and try speaking as little as possible to make less of a fool of myself as I possibly can. The one true friend I had growing up whom I cared about deeply I had eventually pushed away because I began to feel, watching him as we were growing up, get along with others so easily in social situations where I could not, that I didn't deserve to be his friend and that in comparison I was just a waste of space that was more of burden on him then anything. I stopped hanging around him as much and we eventually grew apart. I always felt as painful as that was because he was the closest I had ever let anyone get to me and he made me feel like I was actually wanted, that it was the best for him and just holding on to him for my sake was selfish because I would just be holding him back.

This thought is always constant in my head. I've met so many good people in my life, was lucky enough to finally make friends in late high school, who I kept a little while through the start of college, with awesome people and yet again I ended up pushing them away, but I feel like its almost better because whenever I was invited to hang out with them, there was a brief feeling of belonging, that maybe they liked me for "me" but just watching how they would interact with each other, how open and carefree they were and all I could do was just sit in silence only giving simple answers when prodded and almost had to have been forced to join in conversations with them. I'd always feel by the end of the night that the only reason I was there was because they felt sorry for me and just invited me to be nice. It was overall just too painful to see them act in a way that I have longed to for years and combined with feelings of being a burden to them, I made excuses for not going out with them every time they'd call and eventually they stopped all together effectively ending that relationship but again I think it was for the better.

I also sometimes wish I could maybe have a romantic relationship, someone to at least be there and hold me but I still haven't even had a first kiss. I don't think its possible at this point anyway because I honestly don't know who on earth would want to date someone without a personality or a shred of confidence. Whenever someone offers a hug even, the gesture is foreign and extremely awkward to me so how on earth could I ever hope to show sincere intimate affection to anyone? Not only that but most people my age want to go out and hang with friends and well any social situation is extremely painful and awkward for me.

It's a common mantra that I tell myself that I like to be alone and that I don't need people anyway and in some ways that's true I guess but, I still wish I could at least have one friend I could talk to and be able to be myself around...although I'm not sure how that would be because honestly, I can't even remember what that is like.

Ultimately I know it's utterly and completely my own fault I'm alone and I deserve it, if I wasn't such a coward and could stop my constant self pitying then maybe I could overcome this but I'm just too pathetic to do that...typing this does bring forth the realization of how much I truly do hate myself. Sure I have my occasional thoughts of "well at least you are a nice person" or "you look a little cute I guess" and then I feel like maybe just maybe there's hope for me but no matter how hard I try to keep that confidence I always end up losing it and just feel worthless in the end. Niceness definitely doesn't make up for a lack of personality and the inability to do something as simple as making a phone call (the thought of doing that makes me sick and when I try I freeze up and can't speak, usually always end up hanging up) I can't even get a job because of this reason.

College has been hard social wise, even something as simple as walking through hallways is always hard, whenever I see that there are people walking through them or sitting on the side, I begin to feel like I can't get enough air into my lungs and just hurry as fast as I can to class so I can finally breathe. I know I must seem like a failure to my parents. I've always wanted to please them at least but even though I'm going through college now, I'm not really heading anywhere career wise. I thought I was at one point but now I just don't know. My moms constantly badgering me about getting a job and saying that I need to talk to counselors about my career and transferring and I want to tell her so bad about the real reason (my anxiety) why I haven't done so but I avoid it by just shrugging it off and tell her "I will and that "I'm sorry I just hadn't got to it yet". Time is running out and the knowledge of that just adds to my anxiety...I just feel like one huge disappointment and feel horrible about it. I don't mean to be such a burden and feel guilty about it every single day.

I wish all of this would just go away you know? That I could at the very least be able to talk to someone without feeling fake and to be able to truly like myself but at this point…I just really can’t find anything to like.

I apologize again for the lengthy post and greatly thank anyone who read through this.  

[AHumbleRose]

Humm, from what i got from reading your post...you want to talk to someone who isn't going to judge you, and would not be a faux (fake) friend? Atleast that's what I got from reading this... sweatdrop

If you wanted, you could talk to me, since what your going through I've been going through since my parents divorced when I was little. By the way, you do not sound whiny and angsty, because I bet alot of people out there feel and respond that exact same way...I know I do smile


anyways, like I said before, you can talk to me anytime on on Gaia...which is everyday :3  

[Encrypted Lies]

size=9]

I haven't always been like this, but rather I have been getting to be the same way you are for the last few months. I don't know how to deal with people, they make me uncomfortable, and everything that they say seems insincere, so I'm always suspicious of whomever approaches me,

 

[iamBelovedHope]

I have split personality disorder which is one minute i could be fine and ok then the next i act like i don't know whats going on and freak out or it will be weird i will start acting insane i will hurt others and start laughing about it, I will overdose just for the fun of it... I don't want to hurt people and i cant control the other personality's.... i just don't know whats going on anymore..  

[LegionNoir]

Hello there, I've read your post, no its not too long of a post. Thank you for having the time to type this out and being honest to yourself. You can by all means message me any time, I will talk to you not only as a friend (new) but also as a client, as I am in medical school. Earning my years of hard workship becoming a licensed doctor. Haha, yeah- doctor. smile  

[Mystic_dewdrop]

Everyone needs to rant every once in a while, so feel free to PM me if you'd like 3nodding  

[IAmInACow]

It seems that the biggest problem here is that you do not realize your own self-worth. Sure, it's possible to still be nervous around other people if you like yourself, but it gets a lot easier to deal with, and is often the first step to overcoming it.

You really are a worthwhile person. Just from reading this post, I can name several good qualities about you. You care about other people (otherwise, you wouldn't have felt so guilty when people want to spend time with you), and you're considerate of other people's feelings. That's why you've bottled this all up inside so long, trying to make your family happy and keep them from worrying about you. But your feelings are just as important as theirs.

That one good friend you mentioned, who made you feel wanted. Would it be at all possible to re-connect with them online? Develop a friendship again, without the anxiety-inducing pressure of face-to-face contact? I think that might be good for you. And it's not selfish; here's why:
Your friendship can be just as valuable to others as theirs could be to you. Even if you're nervous, and not huggy, and don't talk a lot (especially at first), you still have a unique personality (even if you don't realize it) and perspective. There is no reason why anyone shouldn't want you as a friend. Sometimes, people who are withdrawn and quiet make the best friends, because they do what no one else seems to take the time to do anymore: listen.

Here's the thing, though. Everybody wants a friend who can listen. But a good friend who cares about you wants to be there for you when you need them too. They want to help too. It's not out of pity, it's just what friends do. Though it may be hard, the next time you have a trusted friend, it's okay to tell them about this. It's okay to let a friend help. You can tell us about your problems here; we're happy to listen, and you won't have to talk to anyone face to face. Just please don't feel like you have to keep this to yourself. We want to hear you. You're worth it.