I <3 my goth BF, but...

[DustQueen]

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My family definitely doesn't approve.

I am an art major so I dress rather funky sometimes- but I'm not goth. (sometimes dress like it but not everyday). Usually my outfits involve bright colors and fashion statements, but my family has never seen anything like my tripp pants wearing, lip ring sporting, long black haired boyfriend.

To tell you the truth the only boys I brought home all through high school generally wore polos and carried a card to their local club. Now, I am with the love of my life. We've been best friends for years and finally admitted that we were in love. He is coming down for spring break and already my mom has a HUGE issue with seeing pictures of us together.

She says things like "he still have that THING through his FACE?" (referring to his lip ring)
"he look like a christian yet?" (he is a christian actually...)

and my personal favorite
"I have free counseling you could go to with my work"



I have had friends who are goth but they had already gotten through this awkward stage with their parents. I need some advice on how to get through this with as much maturity and composure on our(my soul mate and i) end as possible. This is a guy I hope to marry in a few years, and I don't want it to turn into a huge family fiasco.

Help, advice, and heads up as to what to expect would be appreciated GOT GOTH GUILD!
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[DustQueen]

PMs or Posts are both okay. feel free to contact me either way

=]  

[IY_and_MCR]

This will be moved to the life issues subforum.
There are a lot of 'how to make my family chill' type threads that may have the sort of answers you're looking for, even if they're not a direct response to your question/problem.  

[Rellik San]

Your answer to your parents should simply be;

"What ******** business is it of yours how he dresses so long as he's a good person?"

Seriously, just ask them point blank;
"What do clothes have to do with anything?"

And watch them panic or make up all kinds of bullshit excuses that basically amount to "nothing."  

[Keevan Draco]

Rellik has it right for the most part, but being a parent myself, I tend to ask certain mental questions over my kids choices....Like:

Is he able to support you financially?
Is he some sort of closet psyco/satanist who wants to sacrifice you in some grisly fashion?
Is he mentally stable?
What will the neighbors think?
what will my church think?

It's mostly useless trivial nonsense to you, but to a parent...it's like real overbearing concerns that keep them awake at night.

for you, i would recommend a little one on one time with your parents and set their fears at rest. answer their questions (even the awkward ones) as truthfully as you can muster, and ask for their blessing, support, and unconditional trust in your life choices. they may not like it (and will probably tell you so at every opportunity) but at least you will have their attention and an open door of communication.

Get your fiance on board with the open communication thing. It will be awkward, uncomfortable, and slightly stressfull, but the whole "getting to know you" routine is very important for future son/daughter-in-law/parent relations. The faster that he can convince your parents that he's the real deal, and not just another flavor o' the month, the better.
Mostly, it just involves him being truthfull about finances, jobs, and the ability to maintain both (fathers really think about these...a lot) and future plans. Parents want to be reassured that their child will be well taken care of in a loving, stable (well, stable as they see it anyway), and productive relationship, and not see their child end up in skid row drinking mad dog out of a paper bag and living in a cardboard box next to the steam pipes down by the river.

Above all, if this guy is "the one" for you...then stand by his side through all of this with your head held high, and never waver in your convictions. a parent can spot insecurity in their child like a shark to blood, and go into "overbearing protective parent" mode in a heartbeat. Stay true, stay the course, and first and foremost..."to thine own self be true"

stay sane inside insanity,

Poppa Keevan. (proud parent of a 5 yr old little girl that makes me worry all the time)  

[DustQueen]

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*~*~*
Keevan,
Thank you SO MUCH!
I cant tell you how helpful you have been. I always understood where my mom was coming but not her EXACT thoughts on the matter. THANK YOU for explaining your thought processes as a parent. I think once they meet him, their fears will be helped a bit, if they can get past their prejudice. Getting him to sit down with family would be a good idea, and let it be a question/answer session. Possibly that might smooth things over a little more. That way my parents dont think that I'm just being rebellious or something. again... THANK YOU SO MUCH

And no offense to others, but telling my parents to ******** off does not fit in with the "keeping things mature and civil" plan. that is NOT a mature way to handle things and will be the LEAST effective way of getting my family's approval of this boy. I expect them to agree with all my decisions but when it comes to it I dont want to have to choose between the love of my life and my family - and I shouldn't have to. I also would like their blessing one day.


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[Teriyaki Tsubaki]

Maybe write out a list or essay of all the answers to the questions that Keevan Draco brought up would be good. That way you can look back at your own thoughts and after you explain to them they have something to read back on as well. This also shows your commitment and that you put thought into their opinions, coming to logical answers.  

[Angel of the End]

Dear, maybe you should try to speak with them... There is one good book I can highly suggest to you that maybe you can read and offer to your parents, called God Loves The Freaks. You can order it from almost anywhere. Also, if it is the appearence they are worried about, here are a few places where you can read up and maybe that will help you talk with them, or else you can suggest that they read through these as well.


Appearence of Evil
God Loves The Freaks, here, you can read a fairly large portion of the book online.
ChristianGoth.com
Sunlight & Shadow
Other Sources That Might Help

Also, there are corporate goth websites and organizations and several articles, infact, several goths are very professional and mature, so that has nothing to do with it. One might assume because of their looks that they are not mature (aka they are not willing to conform) or that they could not possibly have a good education or a good paying job. All.False. Personal life and professional life are very different, as I am sure you well know dear, but appearently, your parents don't seem to have ever thought about that.

Just try to explain to them that appearences mean nothing, infact, a ton of really devote Christians I know have piercings, tats, crazy hair, chains everywhere. If your parents are worried because of his looks, it is more than that, it is because they have the wrong idea about who he is. "God does not look on the outward appearence, he looks at the heart." People see things only skin deep sometimes, like how your parents are doing.

Just hope, dear. Educate yourself, and pray and ask for help.  

[Xahmen]

Just do whatever.  

[BlutWolfV_V]

Angel of the End is right. ChristianGoth.com is a very good website for situations of this sort. I've been on there before, and it's very helpful. I also happen to be a Christian goth.