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Posted: Thu Feb 18, 2010 7:39 pm
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Posted: Thu Feb 18, 2010 7:51 pm
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Posted: Thu Feb 18, 2010 7:56 pm
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Posted: Thu Feb 18, 2010 8:00 pm
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Posted: Thu Feb 18, 2010 8:06 pm
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Posted: Thu Feb 18, 2010 8:26 pm
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Posted: Thu Feb 18, 2010 8:32 pm
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Posted: Thu Feb 18, 2010 8:34 pm
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Posted: Fri Feb 19, 2010 10:59 am
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I voted for Untitled #1
I think this is poem has a lot of potential, and has a good rhyming scheme, I understood your message and understood what you were saying. The lines I think you need to improve are:
to wipe away the tears I wish I could cover my ears...
and
at first she seemed alright but she called on me near twilight she thought that she might make it right but she could never understand my plight
These rhymed, but they don't have the right time. They sound very odd if you say them out loud. Try adding some words to the first two or taking some out from the last two. Other than those, IT WAS AMAZING!
Some other notes on the others. You shouldn't be ashamed of Speak to me, it was good, and could tell a story if you made it longer. Alone sounds very powerful, but once again this one could be longer and would be better. Burnt was good, although there were some spots where you rhymed which threw me off trying to figure out if you were rhyming on purpose or it was just convenient, also you could have used synonyms for spark, ideas, and space at the end which would have made it cool. Writing could be used as like a guild motto or something, except your time was a little off in places smile . Peering through the looking glass sort of reminded me of Alice in Wonderland, and then I didn't get it.
Please don't take any of my critiques personally, I tried to give as much honest feedback as possible. If you have any more questions please ask me, I published a few of mine in the art arena and the link is on my profile. Please read these and give me some feedback as well smile
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Posted: Fri Feb 19, 2010 11:20 am
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