A Poem; Please comment and give advise!

[EstoPerpetua]

I've put this poem on one other site and got a bit of advice from it. I'm trying to improve this poem to it's maximum potential. Thanks for any advice you can offer.

Death.
The ever imminent adventure.
One of the very few indiscriminate forces on earth.
Heedless of the nature of the person, showing no disdain or awe,
Death comes,
Whether it be to the plebeian nonentity, or to the wealthy miser.

We are all fugitives of death, trying to become emancipated,
But failing in the end.
Death holds no qualms, and takes every one of us in the end.

Yet, even though every person who ever reads this odd attempt at
Poetry will die along with countless others of our time,
Life will go on.
No matter how many of us become whispers riding the wind,
Life will go on.
Despite all our vain attempts at surviving on earth for eternity,
We will die,
But life will go on.

And with life there is hope,
The companion who is with us at our darkest hour,
The one who gives us our dreams,
And helps us through the night.
Hope is the unison of voices shouting into an inky void of
Despair, “We will not give up without a fight.”
Through it all hope is there to guide us,
So, though I once started with death,
The rightful beginning and end for all eternity is hope.

Now I will end this composition,
And remind you,
There is
Always
Hope.

 

[SaraDiva728]

I like the poem and I think that it is one of the (if not THE) easiest to read free-verse poems I have ever read. It was more like reading the opening of a story than reading a poem. Which I liked a lot because, with free-verse, I'm usually fighting with my brain throughout the entire reading. I read it in this rhymy-singy-song fashion, expecting rhyming words when there aren't any. It's so annoying, and I don't ever get the gist of the poem that way. So, I'm not sure what the difference was, but not having to deal with that was great. However, I did find the poem a very depressing view of death. Though, that's probably due to the fact that I'm used to song lyrics and stories that glorify it in some way. But, that didn't change the fact that the poem was well done and that I liked it.  

[just anni]

I like this poem a lot. The way that you talking about your writing the poem as you were writing it is something I haven't seen and I though it made it very unique. I also think this poem has a good rhythm to it. Sara, you are right- this is very readable.  

[thomulus]

I definitely agree with Sara, this sounds like the beginning of a story, if you took out the last line you could go on and write a story about how there was death all around yet there was hope. Then he dies in the end anyway. Have you ever read the Series of Unfortunate Events? It is a very childish story series and the books took me like a half an hour each, but the idea behind the stories, is that the guy feels really bad that the readers are reading his story, and that it is simply his goal to record the sad story. At the beginning of most of his chapters he will start out saying something random, and then relate it to what will happen in the next chapter. If you actually want an example, message me and I will quote from the book smile . Otherwise it is a great poem, and I don't know how you could improve it.  

[EstoPerpetua]

Sara and Violet: Thanks for your feed back. I never really had a purpose in mind when I wrote this except, I hope my teacher won't notice that I wrote this while eating breakfast the morning this asignment was due. I have never been good with rythm and I am slightly surprised you found one in this poem. Sorry about the morbid perspective. I'm very glad you found it readable.

Thomulus: I have read the Series of Unfortunate Events, and didn't really like the plot. I did, however, like the author's refering to his story in his story. That's where part of my poem comes from. Thanks again for finding the time to read and comment on my work.  

[Crystalbow]

Hmm...It's a very thoughtful poem, very straightforward and plain. The simplicity is what really makes it a poem I want to read three or four times, because good poetry is always read at least twice. I have a philosophy that echoes what this poem says, in short. "We all die. Nothing can change that. But it is our lives here and now that determine what life will be like for the rest of eternity." This is, however, an easier philosophy to grasp. I have a large knowledge of what life really is, and your message was one of the first tings I realized, but this is good for those who really didn't quite think about it. Keep the poetry in your pudding going and you might end up being one of my favorite poets! blaugh

((Don't ask what poetry in your pudding is. It's a joke from my English class that is pretty much like our secret code or something.))  

[EstoPerpetua]

Crystalbow: Thanks for your insight! I completely agree with your philosophy. I don't know whether or not I could be one of your favorite poets because the poems I write are few and far between, and I rarely ever post them. Thanks for your input.

((oh as a side note: you are definitely one of my favorite poets. Keep up the great work!!))