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I've been trying to come up with a list of the ten best films of the Decade. It's not easy. There were so many great films, between Pan's Labyrinth and Iron Man, all the way back to Almost Famous. My list is still incomplete. So, I've picked out the films I've seen that just seem to suck out loud, the ones that insulted my intelligence, and the ones that need to be burned from our collective memories. So, until I do my Top Ten, here is the bottom ten.
10.Rollerball- I really have nothing to say about this movie. It's the most boring nonstop action extravaganza I've ever seen. It's senseless, stupid, and doesn't even keep the tone of the cult classic original. It's like watching "The X Games" but people can die. Oh, and thats supposed to make it cooler.
9. Star Wars: Episode III- Now, why is this movie on the list, and not Battlefield Earth? Because it's a Star Wars film. When somebody says "Hey, you want to go see Battlefield Earth?" what do you think? I bet it's not "The final installment in one of the greatest sci fi franchises ever conceived? Of course! I can't wait!" No. Because it's not Star Wars. It's Battlefield Earth.
When you go see Star Wars, even with expectations low, you expect more than this. Even after Episodes I and II, you would think "It'll at least be watchable". Sure, there are some great performances. But only from Minor Characters. Meanwhile, Portman gives a performance that ruins her career (despite talent she showed in non Star Wars films), Hayden Christensen does nothing but cry, and Ewan MacGregor seems to be a few takes away from "Getting it". Meanwhile the muddled plot assumes you've read all the background, watched other shows, played video games, because they never even tell you why they are at war in the first place. It doesn't matter, because the War ends forty five minutes in, and is replaced with Anakin killing most of the Jedi. Oh, wait, he didn't kill the Jedi like Obi Wan claimed in the original films. He slaughters a bunch of children (called Younglings) while the Jedi Masters are pretty much shot in the back. So much for the force, eh?
8. The Dukes of Hazzard- Remember that little Guilty Pleasure of a TV Show? Just some Good Ol' Boys, all that crap? Well, they seem to have lost the old fashioned country innocence and replaced it with pot smoking and mischief making, and the only thing that seems to make them "The Good Guys" is the fact that they cause problems for the Bad Guys. I didn't expect much out of this film, but it's got nothing remotely resembling what made me like the show at all. Heck, might as well be any other teen movie. I wanted a fun little movie. I got a train wreck with some mixed up story bout selling the town and Nascar.
7. Alone in the Dark- I've defended Uwe Boll. Yes, he makes crap, but it's crap I can enjoy. It's crap that is "so bad it's good". Shameless cheerful stupidity. But there is a limit. Watching Jason Statham fighting Ninjas, or Kristina Loken fighting Vampires might be fun, but what is there to delight in in this film? Not a goddamn thing. Based loosely off a game shameless ripping off Lovecraft, it's essentially two people wandering aimlessly, shooting guns at things that aren't there, and doing what they can to avoid moving the plot along. House of the Dead had things happening, at least, and I could grab a beer and mock the movie in an MST3k life fashion. This one bored me, quite literally, to tears.
6. Pinnochio- When I heard that "Life is Beautiful" Director and Star Roberto Benigni was going to direct and star in "Pinnochio", I was excited. I figured "You know, he'd make an excellent Geppeto". But no. he played the doll. Wandered aimlessly through slapstick antics, disturbing anyone who dared laid eyes on a grown man pretending to be a child-puppet. He should have thought it through. After all, I think he'd make an excellent Geppeto, and I've been hoping to see a good live-action adaptation of the story.
5. Christmas with The Kranks- I almost kept this movie off the list. Not because it doesn't qualify, but because technically, it's cheating. I did not watch all of this movie. But that's exactly why it's here. This is the only movie that was so god awfully bad I walked out of the theater. It's a movie about two people who don't follow the neighborhood traditions and must be punished. If not only for the disgusting message (since it's clear you are not supposed to root for the Kranks), the films is devoid of any real humor. To be honest, I should rank this highter. But I'm already cheating. So, the hour I watched of this movie is number five.
4. Date Movie- I could make this list full of films like this. Date Movie, Epic Movie, Meet the Spartans. But I won't. Because I am smarter than the masses who decided to waste money on the same film with different antics. After I saw Date Movie, I knew the rest were essentially the same (granted, Superhero Movie does have some laughs). Date Movie isn't a parady, but a collection of bad jokes. Many of which have nothing to do with the genre they are spoofing. Then again, I think the spoofs were written, and placed in an order that told a vague story, and then the genre to name the film after was chosen. The film is completely uninspired, and it really started the "Genre Movie" trend going. Now, some of you will say "Scary Movie" did that. Scary Movie is a series in it's own right. It didn't go bad until people realized their were other genres to name bad parodies after.
3. SwimFan- This movie has remained mostly forgotten. Good thing, too. It's a thriller about a High School kid (who is in his mid twenties, because it's a teen film hence actual teens were not allowed to audition) who is trying to get a scholarship into a top college based on his amazing swim skills. A full ride for Swimming? That's not the most idiotic thing in the film, I assure you. He is being stalked by a young girl who is obsessed with him. This is followed by Murder, betrayal, set ups, and most of all, let downs. Is it really worse than all other horror films of the decade? Yes. At least, in Uwe Boll's films, stuff happens.
2. Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen- When i am promised a Transformers movie, I want one thing: Giant Robots fighting eachother. Instead, we have close ups of a man's a** (because that's funny), Dogs humping eachother, Robots humping humans, and a director who had the audacity to claim that this movie was "Ben Hur meets Apocalypes now. The robots seems even less realistic as they struggle ton interact with the real world surroundings. The plot is muddled and stupid, and characters constantly repeat the plot to themselves over and over again. There is not one thing to like in this movie.
1. The Craving Heart- For everyone who tells me that I only like boring low budget independent films, I assure you, no, I do not. I hate those as much as I hate studio films. Which is to say, only when they suck. This movie has spawned some of my more memorable Nightmares. It's a pseudo intellectual annoyance written, directed, and starring Stan Harrington. It's about a man falling in love with a girl who spends about ten minutes of the eighty minute film cutting herself. Also, something about 'Past, Present and Future". This film has a philosophy that it wants to present, but it's unclear what it wants to tell us, because we are too distracted by the numerous self indulgent sex scenes featuring Stan Harrington and his unshaved back. But I can tell you that the movie gives you this to ponder "If you die, can you go to heaven without your soulmate?"
Yes, when all of us are too busy considering the reality of heaven, hell, and an after life, this a*****e goes and changes the rules on us. Meanwhile, John Saxon walks around, talks about Vietnam for no reason other than to add just a bit more drama. It does nothing for the story. It's a terrible film. The worst of the decade, and worst I've ever seen.
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