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i need your opion

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Dagon000

PostPosted: Fri Dec 04, 2009 2:25 am
i have a story that i need your opinions on

i'll post a chapter as its done, the first 3 are done and will be posted shortly so please dont post yet. ill tell you when you can  
PostPosted: Fri Dec 04, 2009 2:27 am
Golden wing
(Ch. 1)
Alten

Tap, tap, tap! “Ugh, I hate the Hatchery! Can I go with you to your homeland; it’s too damn noisy here, eggs hatching all the time!” Goldan said to me. A two year-old amber and silver dragon.
“Don’t let your mother hear that kind of language out of you.” I replied, “And no, I won’t tell her, I’m not that crazy.” Oh yes, I’m not that crazy, I’m a human.
“Good,” he sighed, “I’d hate to see mom rip off your head; I like you too much.”
“Why would I rip off Alten’s head?” we both jumped as Martal made her presence known. “So I hear that you will be leaving us Alten. Where are you bound my friend, to your home in the Hokaze province of the human realms?”
“Yes, Martal, I’m bound for my old home, to see for myself if the rumors are true.” I replied,
“Specifically which rumors,” she asked me. “The ones about an army being raised or the sighting of rogue dragons?”
“Both, and pray to all the Gods that they are not.”
“Rogue dragons,” Goldan asked excitedly “can I go mom, please, can I go with Alten?”
I groaned inwardly as he asked the question for I knew what the answer would be, “yes, you may go.”
“Are you sure about this Martal?” I asked.
“Yes I’m sure; it is time for my son to leave the nest.” She said to me, “Please take good care of him.”
“I will,” I reassured her. This is going to be a long trip, I thought to myself. I seriously hope she gives me a large bag of gold to help feed her son otherwise I’m going to be broke.
Goldan was still thanking her as I made my excuse of things that still needed packing and left the hatchery quietly.
I was intercepted on my way to the rooms I had inside the complex of Nevashore by a messengers. He carried
I fell asleep that night wondering what the morrow will bring.
I meet Goldan the next morning at the brig that led across The Lake of Eternal Flight. “So,” I said to him, “this is it; you’re first trip outside the court. How does it feel?”
“It feels good,” was his reply. And for the first time I really noticed his coloring, it wasn’t amber and silver, as we had all believed but gold and platinum, a metallic dragon.
We walked to the stables on the other side of the lake where I said to him, “I’ll be riding a horse you can either fly above or walk along side of me. This is going to be a long journey.”
“I’ll walk with you,” was his response. So I collected my horse and noticed that there was an extra bag tied to the saddle. I opened the bag and found it contained gold. I sighed in relief; I wasn’t going to go broke after all. I climbed into the saddle and turned the horse down the road.
I called over my shoulder, “Come-on Goldan, we have a long way to go to reach the first oasis.” And with that I set the horse down the road at a walk.
We reached the first oasis by mid afternoon but were forced to stay due to a sand storm. So we hunkered down and waited out the sand storm in a little shed. In the middle of the night the storm continued on past us.
The morning brought clear skies and the promise of safe travel. After we had breakfast we continued on to the next oasis and the town of Taroc’nor. We reached it by late afternoon.
Taroc’nor is a large town for the deep desert. The town was a maze that is easily defended. My hope is that the town will not need this defense.
We found the Dragon’s Head Inn close to the oasis itself. The inn was five stories tall, with a dragon roost on the fifth floor, which would be nice for Goldan. I went in and paid for rooms and food for the both of us. That night I was setting alone drinking a mug of fire tongue ale when a tall and slightly hansom elf asked if he could sit at my table, I nodded my assent and he sat down. He introduced him-self as Nuada, a gravedigger.
“I need some help.”
“What kind of help?” he asked me.
“The kind you need a shovel for,” I said. “I’m going to burying a few things and I need a proper grave to bury it in.”
“And what is this thing that you want buried” he asked me.
“The past.” I answered. “I wonder, what brings an elf to the desert?
“The other side” he replied.
“Interesting.” Just then the waitress brought food. It was baked golden fish, a true treat in the desert. I asked, “Why did you choose to travel through the desert?”
“I was hoping it would be an adventure.” he replied.
“So will you help me?” I asked.

Just then the drunkest dwarf in the common room decided to throw a mug at me. Nuada caught the mug and threw it back at the dwarf, hitting him in the head. The dwarf shook his head, pulled out his axe and charged our table, yelling “You’ll pay for that, you bloody elf!”
Nuada replied, “You and what army!”
And a fight was on. The dwarf running at Nuada swung his axe. I was barely able to put up a barrier between the two of them before the axe struck. At the precise moment the axe struck the barrier all the lights where swallowed up by a screaming darkness. I tried to cast an illumination spell but was unable to.
Could it be? No, they were all killed. The dragons killed them in the true demon war. What can we do? These and a thousand other thoughts raced along the inside of my skull. One thought came to the forefront and stayed, “The Entaro have returned!” I heard a chorus of “WHAT!” and realized I had spoken out loud.
“The Hellguard?” someone asked fearfully, for if it scars a dragon only a fool is unafraid and the shortly dead.
“Yes” was all I could say. The howling darkness retreated to the outside of the inn, just as I made a ball of light, leaving behind shards of it-self. The shards solidified into a human-esk shape with hellfire eyes, long sickle like claws, and a muzzle with needle like teeth.
The closest Entaro to me rushed forward. I jumped out of its way and through the ball of light at its head; it missed. I made five more balls and a sword of light. I was lost to rage, when I came to the fight was over. Ten lost in the common room of the Dragon’s Head alone; light compared to other places in Taroc’nor. The garrison lost all but five very lucky people. The governor’s mansion ran red with blood. The zigzagging ditch like street was a blood red river. To call what had happened a massacre would be an understatement of the highest order.
I ran to the dragon roost to check on Goldan. He was sleeping like a new born. Few slept that night.
 

Dagon000


Dagon000

PostPosted: Fri Dec 04, 2009 2:28 am
The Desert Road
(Ch 2)
Goldan

The morning after we arrived, Taroc’nor was in chaos, but strangely silent. Something happened in the night that left a lot of people dead. People didn’t say much about what had happened, but when I asked they all said the same thing, “Alten is a hero.”
“From the landing platform outside you can see that there was a sandstorm last night.” I told Alten after breakfast, “was there a windago attack on the town?”
“No,” said a soft voice, “it wasn’t a windago attack” I turned my head to look at the owner of the voice. It was a male elf I’d noticed before, tall and lean with raven black hair and deep blue eyes. On the whole he was handsome, but at the moment, very, very annoying.
“Nuada this is Goldan, Goldan this is Nuada. We’ll be traveling together,” Alten introduced us, “so don’t start anything Goldan. Are the horses ready Nuada?”
“It’s nice to meet you Goldan, and they are ready.” the elf said.
“Good, let’s go” Alten said turning from the stairs. “We’ll meet you down stairs.”
I opened the door to the roost, walked out onto the landing platform and jumped off. Cupping my wings, so I wouldn’t break anything when I hit the ground, I landed in the stable yard just as Alten was walking out and four horses were being led out of the stables. One had a chestnut coat and black mane and tail. One was straw colored coat mane and tail. The other two were pure black.
The stable hand handed Alten one of the blacks and the chestnut horse, and the elf got the other two. Once Alten and the elf were mounted, we headed out on the road. By night fall we reached the oasis of Tara’nor. We camped under the stars, and rose with the sun to continue our journey.
In this fashion the next two weeks passed without event. At the beginning of our third week in the desert we came across an abandoned caravan. The wagons of the caravans had strange dark gray streaks which Alten identified as the marks left behind by the fire darts.
“What are fire darts?” asked Nuada.
“They’re a type of weapon, very old and very expensive,” replied Alten.
After that we started keeping watch at night. Towards the end of the third week, we were maybe a quarter of a day’s ride from the Savanna. We were resting at the last oasis when we were attacked by bandits. I was the first to spot them. There were twelve of them riding horses. I asked Alten who they might be. That’s when they started yelling and drew out their swords.
“That answers your question? Now get in the air and stay ahead of us.” Alten said. And so I took off staying just ahead of Alten.
 
PostPosted: Fri Dec 04, 2009 2:30 am
What’s Broken
(Ch 3)
Maria

I was minding the chocobo herd at the edge of the savanna, sitting in a tree staring out across the desert late in the day when I saw something on the horizon quickly getting larger. As it got closer I realized it was heading toward the herd. I decided it was time to go, so I jumped down from the tree and started herding the chocobo north. Looking over my shoulder I noticed that the shape on the horizon had split into three distinctive blobs. I turned back to the task at hand, getting these stubborn birds north to a safe place.
As the herd started moving I heard something very, very strange. Thud, thud, thud. I wondered what could make that sound. The sound seemed to spur the herd into moving faster. THUD! THUD! THUD! With a loud squawk, the herd started too stamped, right at me!
I felt something grab me and lift me into the air. Flailing my arms and legs, I tried to dislodge whatever had grabbed me.
A soft voice said, “I’m trying to save you, stop kicking.”
I looked up and saw the face of an angel. Blue eyes, long amber brown hair, a small goatee and perfect lips set with determination. “Who are you?” I asked.
“My name is Alten” he replied. What a beautiful name.
I noticed then the black horse he was riding. The horse was running but made no noise. I looked down to see that we where several feet off the ground. The chocobo herd was maybe fourth a mile behind us. The horse stopped suddenly and I was dropped.
“Alten you ok?” someone asked. “Good. Of all the gods forsaken things to do, you had to ride in front of those damned birds. Why?”
“Her” my angel said. I noticed there were a dragon and an elf staring at me. The elf was ugly, not Broken One ugly but still ugly. The dragon seemed to shift color as it moved, but that could just be my second sight. It looked nervous, its wings slightly unfurled, head moving from side to side, tail whipping bake and forth.
The dragon surprised me by asking, “Who are you?” Who know dragons could talk.
“My name is Maria” I replied “and you would be?”
“Goldan” he said
“Where are you from” asked the elf.
“The village north-east of here, half a day’s ride on a chocobo.” I answered the ugly elf.
“Never knew there was a village this side of the mountains.” Commented my angel.
I didn’t want to tell him the truth and scare him away so I lied, “It’s new.”
“Let me guess, you’re afraid of being hurt that’s why you didn’t tell us the truth,” my angel said in a soft voice.
“Yes,” was all I could say?
“It’s a village of Broken Ones?” asked my angel. All I could do was nod my head. “Let's go, you can ride with me, ok?”
The ride to the village took leas time then it should have. When we neared the village we dismounted and I led them into the village. “Maria, what are you doing here? Where’s the herd?” Elder Harmon asked. “Who are these people?”
“This is Alten,” I pointed at my angel, “He saved my life, the dragon is Goldan, and I didn’t ask the ugly elf’s name.” I heard a snicker from Goldan. “The herd stampeded.”
“Why did the herd stampede?” Asked Elder Harmon.
“My fault,” said Goldan.
Elder Harmon blinked in surprise. “You speak?!” He asked in disbelief.
Goldan looked taken aback. After a moment he replied a little hotly, “Well of course I can speak, I’m not a mute!”
The ugly elf muttered to Goldan “Not much is known about dragons outside the courts.”
“Oh!” was all Goldan said.
“Anyway,” Elder Harmon said, “Welcome to our village.”
“Thank you very much,” replied my angel,” May I ask your name?”
“Elder Harmon,” he said, “And may I ask your name Sir Elf?”
“Nuada, at your service,” replied the ugly elf.
“We lost our pack horses and with them most of our supplies,” said my angel. “Can we buy some supplies here?”
“Yes,” replied Elder Harmon.
“Is there an inn that we can stay the night at?” Asked the ugly elf.
“Unfortunately no,” Replied Elder Harmon. “I’ll ask around to see if anyone will take you in.”
“You can stay with me and my mom,” I suggested.
“Let’s ask Intaya first.” Said Elder Harmon. “She might not…” The world seemed to narrow to a single point of light as the wind began to howl. Darkness swallowed and I knew no more.
 

Dagon000


Dagon000

PostPosted: Fri Dec 04, 2009 2:31 am
you my now post your comments and opinions  
PostPosted: Fri Dec 04, 2009 11:01 am
What the hell is an "opion".  

MortSanglant


Henneth Annun
Captain

PostPosted: Fri Dec 04, 2009 4:40 pm
MortSanglant
What the hell is an "opion".
Maybe it's some sort of currency from the future? ninja  
PostPosted: Sat Dec 05, 2009 4:47 am
XWraith_LordX
MortSanglant
What the hell is an "opion".
Maybe it's some sort of currency from the future? ninja

no its just my bad spelling. i ment to say opinion, and i shell chang it  

Dagon000


SADERR

PostPosted: Sat Dec 05, 2009 8:12 am
Not bad, but you need more description, don't drown it in Dialogue. Especially in the first chapter.
And yeah, spellcheck is your friend.  
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