i need help with my prologue!! ASAP

[Lizzy Faller]

so i posted my prologue on a gaia thread and was flamed BIG TIME. I've tried to rewrite it, and so far i think I've done well....but i still need help.
if anyone has any good feedback ,and constructive criticism. (i.e. this is OK, but if you do this........it will be better) then please help me.

Prologue:

Is this how I die? Lying on the ground as the rain turns to needles on my skin?

Someone shot me. I could still feel the burning that the bullet made in my stomach. It was the most painful thing that I’ve ever endured.
I felt like I was suffocating. The air around me did nothing to ease the feeling. As my breathing grew short and shallow, my eyes started to close slowly. My lungs burned as they stopped being used and I could hear my heart beat pound in my ears, it beat hard and quick. Then it stopped altogether and my eyes closed.

It seemed like moments later when I heard voices all around me. I don’t think they were talking to me, as much as they were talking about me. I felt them poking and probing at my body with their cold hands. I couldn't move to tell them to stop, my own mouth wouldn't open to make a cry. Some screamed and argued while some were calm and steady.
Then there was silence. That’s when I chose to open my eyes.

The light wasn’t as bright as I imagined it would be, on the contrary it was quite dim.
I felt a cold hand on my shoulder, then an uncomfortable pain ran through my arm. I looked at my side and saw a man inject a clear liquid into my veins. the room around me was a normal hospital room, it's walls painted in a calming blue and cream white. The absence of the beeps from the heart monitor and other instruments was a sure signal to me that something was wrong.

“You’ll be better in a few hours.” he told me. “Shut your eyes now.” The man’s face was hidden by a doctor’s mask. I could see his eyes wrinkled up at the corners, showing me he was giving me a smile. I tried to smile back, but my face felt so relaxed that I didn't know if I had. the doctor put his hand on top of my forehead and whispered a little prayer to me. His face became blurry as my eyes fluttered shut.

Was this how heaven was? Or was I in hell?

I woke up in a white room; there were no windows around me. my arms and legs were strapped to the small bed i rested on. My left arm had an IV tube in it; the liquid slowly dripped down the clear cord from a few feet away and went into my arm.

My clothes were different too; they were all white and made my shoulder-length black hair the only color inside the room. I looked around me, there wasn’t anything else. I was alone, I felt like i was surround by a mountain of freshly fallen snow, like there wasn’t any other living thing to disturb the setting. I could see a faint outline of a door on the wall facing me.

I didn’t now how long I had stayed here, but I wanted out. I felt trapped in an artificial world that would make no sound and no other movement then my own. Like I was in a never ending dream, I just wished that my alarm clock would go off soon and the annoying buzzing would wake me up and take me back to my home in nice sunny, colorful California. I moved my arms fiercly, trying to free myself from the brown leather restraints, but all it caused was pain. the metal that connected the restraints to the bed tightened as i movedmy wrist, digging deeper into my skin, turning my wrists red.

I heard voices coming from the door, I stopped moving my arms and turned my head towards the door just in time for it to reveal a middle aged man.

His clothes were a little off from his real size, the suit he wore was too long in the arms and looked like a child had put on their parents clothes. A pair of brown squared thick-rimmed glasses sat on the bridge of his nose. As he walked his black dress pants swished with every step. his black shoes were polished, and shined brightly in the white florescent-lit room.

“Miss Elisabeth Faller?” he asked. his voice was familiar, he was the doctor at the hospital, the one that said the prayer.

I nodded at the sound of my name.

“I’m sorry to tell you this,." he took off his glasses and stood a foot away from my bed. "you and your family were in a car accident. Your parents and brother weren’t able to make It.” his brown eyes looked at me with sorrow.

The words struck blow to the gut. I couldn’t breathe, my throat burned as it tried to suppress a cry, my vision blurred as tears formed.

“And there’s more bad news.” he said.

“How could things get worse?!." I cried. the tears now spilling over and down my cheeks. "tell me!"

“It appears that you’re dead as well.”


i really need to know what's wrong with this....i need help!  

[Evermore Reality]

Is this how I die? (starting in the present tense=irritating to readers unnacustomed ot your style but could possibly work) Lying on the ground as the rain turns to needles on my skin? (good description here)

Someone shot me.)If you need to point out an obvious statement like that in a story, maybe cushion it with some prose? We don't know this character well enough to care one way or another if she's been shot.) I could still feel the burning that the bullet made in my stomach. It was the most painful thing that I’ve ever endured. (Show, don't tell. Explain blinding agony, the burn of the bullet through her abdomen, cutting a swath of fire across her stomach. Make the reader care.)

I felt like I was suffocating.(Show don't tell) The air around me did nothing to ease the feeling. (Why? What was wrong with air, or wrong with her lungs?)As my breathing grew short and shallow, my eyes started to close slowly. (Did they start slowly or close slowly? Either way, pick one and go with it.) My lungs burned as they stopped being used(awkward phrasing) and I could hear my heart beat pound in my ears, it beat hard and quick. Then it stopped altogether and my eyes closed. (Nice abrupt paragraph ending, it jostles readers. Don't use beat twice in the same sentence.)

It seemed like moments later when I heard voices all around me. I don’t think they were talking to me, as much as they were talking about me. I felt them poking and probing at my body with their cold hands. I couldn't move to tell them to stop, my own mouth wouldn't open to make a cry. Some screamed and argued while some were calm and steady.
Then there was silence. That’s when I chose to open my eyes. (Don't begin every sentence with I. Rather than telling what she;s thinging, explain what they're doing)
The light wasn’t as bright as I imagined it would be, on the contrary it was quite dim. (Can she see yet? Where does she think she is, that she would imagine bright light?)

I felt a cold hand on my shoulder, then an uncomfortable pain ran through my arm. I looked at my side and saw a man inject a clear liquid into my veins. the room around me was a normal hospital room, it's walls painted in a calming blue and cream white. (Same thing with the 'I' beginnings)The absence of the beeps from the heart monitor and other instruments was a sure signal to me that something was wrong.

“You’ll be better in a few hours.” he told me. “Shut your eyes now.” The man’s face was hidden by a doctor’s mask. I could see his eyes wrinkled up at the corners, showing me he was giving me a smile. I tried to smile back, but my face felt so relaxed that I didn't know if I had. the doctor put his hand on top of my forehead and whispered a little prayer to me. His face became blurry as my eyes fluttered shut. (Very nice paragraph. Clean and easy to read.)

Was this how heaven was? Or was I in hell?

I woke up in a white room; there were no windows around me. my arms and legs were strapped to the small bed i rested on. My left arm had an IV tube in it; the liquid slowly dripped down the clear cord from a few feet away and went into my arm. (Show, show, show. Show the windowless room, the patient's terror, confusion or apathy, the I.V. drip connection.)

My clothes were different too; they were all white and made my shoulder-length black hair the only color inside the room. (describe her clothing in more detail, I'm curious now.) I looked around me, there wasn’t anything else. I was alone, I felt like (i) was surround by a mountain of freshly fallen snow, like there wasn’t any other living thing to disturb the setting. I could see a faint outline of a door on the wall facing me.

I didn’t now how long I had stayed here, but I wanted out. I felt trapped in an artificial world that would make no sound and no other movement then my own. Like I was in a never ending dream, (End that sentence and insert a paragraph break here. It feels like you switch tones and topics.)I just wished that my alarm clock would go off soon and the annoying buzzing would wake me up and take me back to my home in nice sunny, colorful California. I moved (You're back in the past tense, too. Just pick one, either works) my arms fiercly, trying to free myself from the brown leather restraints, but all it caused was pain. the metal that connected the restraints to the bed tightened as i movedmy wrist, digging deeper into my skin, turning my wrists red. (Once again, some nice description)


I heard voices coming from the door, I stopped moving my arms and turned my head towards the door just in time for it to reveal a middle aged man. (Not bad,a little more description would be nice.)

His clothes were a little off from his real size, the suit he wore was too long in the arms and looked like a child had put on their parents clothes.(Don't describe it as a little off, go stright into too big and explain why.) A pair of brown squared thick-rimmed glasses sat on the bridge of his nose. As he walked his black dress pants swished with every step. his black shoes were polished, and shined brightly in the white florescent-lit room.

“Miss Elisabeth Faller?” he asked. (h)is voice was familiar, he was the doctor at the hospital, the one that said the prayer.

I nodded at the sound of my name.

“I’m sorry to tell you this,." he took off his glasses and stood a foot away from my bed. "(y)ou and your family were in a car accident. Your parents and brother weren’t able to make (I)t.” his brown eyes looked at me with sorrow.

The words struck blow to the gut. I couldn’t breathe, my throat burned as it tried to suppress a cry, my vision blurred as tears formed. (Good.)

“And there’s more bad news.” he said.

“How could things get worse?!." I cried. the tears now spilling over and down my cheeks. "tell me!"

“It appears that you’re dead as well.” (Love this ending line! Love it!)
____________________________________

I like it overall. I don't see at all why you got flamed for it. My suggestion would be to post it where you can find better critics. I like this guild (obviously) and FictionPress.com is a collection of some of the best writers and critics I've found online. I would post this there and wit for some replies before taking the critics on Gaia (including me) to heart.

You really have something here. I'm intirgued to see where this is going, what with her being dead and all. I like it and I hope you don't take any of my comments personally. They are merely my own experience and I was hoping ot help. If you find it useful or evern need anything, drop me a line. Wonderful writing and keep up the good work!  

[Rachetgirl11]

The last person to post did a better job then I ever could, but as far as I'm concerned, starting off a story with a line about your protaganist DYING is a great hook. Death is always something fun to play around with! Storywise, you've got a great thing going, but heed the advice of Evermore Reality. A little more description would be welcome, but the average reader will probably get the general plotline. Keep it up! I want more! You've got me HOOKED!  

[Lizzy Faller]

thank you both so much.
i almost gave up completely on this story......
i will try to change what you told me to change and will update soon.
if you really want to read more i have the a few chapters in my journal. keep in mind, they are first drafts and haven't been edited yet.
but thank you again. ^^  

[Rachetgirl11]

Lizzy Faller

thank you both so much.
i almost gave up completely on this story......
i will try to change what you told me to change and will update soon.
if you really want to read more i have the a few chapters in my journal. keep in mind, they are first drafts and haven't been edited yet.
but thank you again. ^^

I WILL READZ!*

*Or, I would, if your journal wasn't set to Friends Only.  

[Lizzy Faller]

redface oops....sorry about that. i'll change it right now.  

[Crystalbow]

I had one problem: the prologue explained too much. Less telling, more showing, and try to be a bit more vague so it is more mysterious and eye-catching.  

[Jedit Ojanen of Efrava]

Well. I have to agree with the first critic here. You did to much telling and not enough showing. And I really didnt get a lot of feeling from the story. I didnt really get the character. Now I know it is just a prologue but you are introducing your character here! I want to love her from the start! but other than that it was amazing! You have a lot of talent.