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 Posted: Wed Nov 25, 2009 11:43 am
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Posted: Wed Jan 13, 2010 12:36 am
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In my personal opinion, the poem is excellent in message and impact, but the flow and verse length could be better. The poem seems choppy because the verses are of varying lengths and don't seem consistent. I'd make some minor changes so that the sentences flowed together while having more similar lengths. Also, I don't think that rhyming is necessary this time either. For an example (please don't be offended that I took a crack at it!):
Love is hard for me to find
and even rarer to grasp.
I wish guys would be of mind
to try before they quit.
Its frustrating, going
my entire life full of longing.
Okay, in this version, you do have to pause at that comma, but otherwise the verses are flowing about the same. And the changes helped without changing the idea you were giving, which would have been a crime. This poem rocks to me in both its simplicity and its strength of meaning. With the latter, I'm meaning to say that I think your making a very strongly emotional statement here, even with so few words. And I know you stated that it wasn't finished, but really, I don't see a need to bog it down with anything else. However, if you still want to make it longer, I don't think that that would hurt it. Anyways, I loved the poem, I just wish it were smoother...
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Posted: Thu Jan 14, 2010 9:56 pm
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Posted: Sat Jan 16, 2010 6:10 pm
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I am very glad that you weren't offended. I did however read a comment you made to someone else about how your poetry is read a certain way, but you can't explain how. I wish I had read that before I made a post! I don't want to stifle your creativity in any way (I think your poetry is very deep and I love to read it). So, I was thinking that what you might like to try is writing your poetry in a way that tells readers how to read it, the way music tells a musician how to play a song. I use periods and commas in mine because they have rules everyone understands and follows. In poetry (and sentences period), I always pause for about a syllable's length when I come across a comma and I stop completely at periods for a brief moment longer as if acknowledging a stop sign. They aren't counted as syllables, but when they are used everyone stops to take those pauses the way I do, so they can better understand and read the poem the way I wrote it and wanted it read. Though, it sounds as if your poems may read in a more complicated fashion than mine, so using other things as well might help (ex. dashes could mean longer pauses, '>' could mean to give stronger emphasis on a word. Plus, I imagine explaining a legend is much easier than explaining a rhythm. And hey, Emily Dickenson didn't do too badly by writing her poems differently (at least, later on she didn't). However, you'll need to realize that doing so may make it harder for some of your fans to read your poetry instead of easier and that people may not like the things that you do. But you can play around with it once or twice to see how you feel about it and what works for you. I write sonnets because they have set rules for writing that give them a certain flow. It makes them a bit harder to write but fairly easy to read, and truthfully, I can't imagine writing anything without some sort of rule or guideline to follow. I even like haiku and limmericks. And that is where I'm comfortable at. But I was reminded earlier this month that poetry is sort of an every-man-for-himself kind of thing. Which gives us pretty much a free-for-all right to do anything that we please! So, why not experiment?
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Posted: Sat Jan 16, 2010 8:24 pm
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