Welcome to Gaia! ::

Coffee Stains & Crumpled Paper -- A Writers Guild

Back to Guilds

A haven for writers of all kinds. 

Tags: writing, prose, poetry, writers, reading 

Reply Poetry
When We Were Young

Quick Reply

Enter both words below, separated by a space:

Can't read the text? Click here

Submit

Jeyrin

PostPosted: Fri Oct 09, 2009 8:05 pm
(Please comment with criticism and let me know what you think!)

When We Were Young

I miss being able to talk to you,
Like I used to.
When we were young,
We would talk for hours.
I miss the song we sung,
Back when life was ours.

Didn’t you hear?
It’s been a whole year.
Do you think about me?
Because I’ve been sitting here,
Waiting for you to return,
As a friend, or something more.
You’ve been the focus of my concern
Ever since you walked past me in that store.
I’ve cared about you all along.
We used to be friends,
So what went wrong?

It’s sad when people you know,
Become people you knew.
How our friendship used to grow,
But now it’s out of view.

I’ve known you since before
I could look over the counter on my own.
Then came that day in the store,
When you left me all alone.
And the next day,
I saw you with another girl.
It’s never been that way,
Not with you, but I wanted it to be.
Now my life is gray,
Because I’ve always wanted something more,
And now I have nothing at all.
I miss how it was before,
But I know you’ll never call.

I miss being able to talk to you,
Like I used to.
When we were young,
We would talk for hours.
I miss the song we sung,
Back when life was ours.
 
PostPosted: Sun Oct 11, 2009 7:20 pm
Can't say anything other than....

amazing.  

Rock4ourRock

6,150 Points
  • Forum Dabbler 200
  • Signature Look 250
  • Peoplewatcher 100

mixlemaxle

PostPosted: Tue Oct 13, 2009 3:59 pm
I have no critisism on that. Sorry. But I loved it!
 
PostPosted: Tue Oct 13, 2009 9:14 pm
I don't know. Seems this style is a trend. Free verse with very little imagery where you express emotion and sentiment as often as possible. It's not bad at al ... but it could be so much more ...

Geuss I'm just not big on this style. I love metphor, pathetic fallacy and wordplay. It's what takes an expression of lost love and turns it into an epic of the ages. John Donne once compared love and lust to blood mixing inside of a flea ... and it worked well!

Then again, I geuss fleas were a bit more common in the home and workplace back in the 16th century ... but you get what I'm saying.

I look at this and think ... "What song did you sing? I mean what was it about and how did it sound? Why bring something into the poem just to keep things in rhyme scheme? Give it a purpose!"

If you want "narrative" imagery in poetry, read some of the romantics. I am a big WIlliam Blake admirer since he was one of the dark romantics (at times) and did help bring us our Poes, Becketts and Lovecrafts. You can read Blake's "Songs of Innocence and Experience" online for free. Just Google it.  

ProfessorKC

Reply
Poetry

 
Manage Your Items
Other Stuff
Get GCash
Offers
Get Items
More Items
Where Everyone Hangs Out
Other Community Areas
Virtual Spaces
Fun Stuff
Gaia's Games
Mini-Games
Play with GCash
Play with Platinum