Ghost

[Emmerah]

just a short poem i wrote at the start of the year - not really sure what to call it, advice on how to improve would be wonderful.

Blunt realisation he was not alive,
tears of red fell from her eyes
And as she fell to the floor of stone,
she realised that she was alone
She gave once more a desolate cry,
and decided to no longer strive
She took a dagger to her heart,
forever more they would not part  

[evolvingwolf]

The first thing I'll say when critiquing this, is, personally, I'd split the lines in half... example:

Blunt realization he was not alive,
Tears of red fell from her eyes

And so on...
I feel like you could easily revise this into having more imagery... like staging it a little... Time and place and what is around the woman when she finds out he man dies... How did he die? Overall, I think you have EXTREME promise with this poem... Just work a little on some revision. ^_^  

[Emmerah]

EvolvingWolf

The first thing I'll say when critiquing this, is, personally, I'd split the lines in half... example:

Blunt realization he was not alive,
Tears of red fell from her eyes

And so on...
I feel like you could easily revise this into having more imagery... like staging it a little... Time and place and what is around the woman when she finds out he man dies... How did he die? Overall, I think you have EXTREME promise with this poem... Just work a little on some revision. ^_^

thanks for the advice!!!! I'll keep it in mind when i re write this.....