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 Posted: Sat Aug 08, 2009 9:19 am
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Posted: Thu Sep 24, 2009 8:58 pm
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Posted: Wed Oct 07, 2009 12:41 pm
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Posted: Wed Oct 07, 2009 6:55 pm
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Posted: Tue Oct 13, 2009 9:41 pm
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*~*Rose*~*
The colour of a drop of blood
and sincerest of them all
with tiny thorns of love and protection
with a smell of rain and sky and purity,
but was it beauty that killed the beast?
In haiku, because there is so little space oin 17 mere syllables to epress what is needed, it is often the articles (a,the), conjunctions and prepostions that are eliminated to preserve space. In free verse the opposite is true and people throw in unnecessary ones when it's easy for the reader to getthe idea from the phrase minus the preposition.
This is a great start and sorry to hear that you are not happy atm luna but I gott ago with what I do.
Here's what you might consider for a potential rewrite bearing in mind what I stated above:
Changes made:
1) eliminate the 'The.' Readers know roses are often red.
2 ) Fowers just describes 'them all' better unless rose is a person which can be read in this
3) Blood , flower, rain and purity all relate to nature so keeping them together is a good choice.
3.5) Adding a few more descriptors gives the two lines here a pattern (3 adjectives and an image followed by three adjectives and an image). Repetition in this subtle way causes memory to click in and the mind to notice. It's a little poet's conceit but there are so many to choose from xp
4) An ellipsis indicates a continuing thought and links a lines even when separated. Darn good punctuation tool in my book, especially for poetry.
5) Here is a transition of thought and also a change of image from the blood red rose and nature to an action line about 'beauty killing the beast' Separating this into a new stanza is a good idea for emphaisis since the idea and image has changed, yet with the elipsis linking it. It means there is a thought connecting the stanzas in a deeper way.
6) Bringing up thorns of protection and love and leaving off that idea and just jumping to a death line didn't maintain a continuity inside the poem's 'story' I added a few words here. See what you think.
By the way, this is one of a bazillion ways you can rewrite and rework a piece. It is often more fun editting and reshaping your thoughts after an initial draft period than the original inspirationa ever was! (personal opinion of course)
*~*Rose*~*
Colour of a drop of blood
sincerest of flowers
with a smell of rain, sky and purity;
sharp, hard, tiny thorns of love and protection ...
Which thorn was it in this beauty that killed the beast?
Now, I am not trying to mess up your work or ideas, just throwing some different points at you to see what you think. Style is individual and edits can alter a piece's entire meaning. It's up to you what to do with any work.
Hope you liked this and thanks for your time.
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