Selective Ancestry

[Lance Kibagari]

Greetings, everyone.

I have a little bit of background to go through before I go about asking my questions, so please bear with me.

My mother's family, on both sides, came from Sweden to America in the early 1900's. As a result of my biological father abandoning my mother and I while I was a child, I grew up in a predominantly EDIT: Swedish-American household. I am rather proud of my heritage and ancestry on this side, and perhaps it was this pride that led me to my study of Asatru a month or two ago.

My biological father's family is French-Canadian/English. I do not know nearly as much of this family as I do my mother's. None of them have made an effort to make contact with me as I have with them. Large family, slightly bad name in the area. In fact, I spent 18 years of my life with their name because my mother decided against putting her maiden name on the birth certificate simply because she was married and didn't see it as appropriate.


Given the circumstances of growing up only around my mother's family, I am extremely biased when it comes to my ancestry. In the past when my ancestry/heritage has been questioned, I have only mentioned the Swedish side. I am aware it is not very truthful, but I felt/feel no connection to my other family or ancestry.

However, recently I have been questioning this. The thread on ancestor worship actually started the idea, and overall my questions are thus:

Is it considered immoral to be selective/biased when it comes to one's ancestry? I am sure it can, but the circumstances cloud my judgment of the matter. After all, one cannot choose their family, right?

Has anyone else experienced something like this?

I know nothing of the family's religious practices outside of recent Catholicism, and I know nothing of the family's history past my great-grandfather coming to America.
Would it be appropriate for me to look into these things, given how selective/biased I've been?

Specifically regarding the family's religious practices, would it be wrong to look into any paths they may have followed? And by look into, I mean research, not take as my own immediately. I have a feeling they were predominantly Christian.

It seems to me that since I've denied that half of my ancestry so far, I should not go about doing research into it and let sleeping dogs lie.

Any opinions/questions/ideas? My apologies for the length or if it seems as though it rambles; I attempted to make it as coherent as possible.

Thank you!  

[TeaDidikai]

Lance Kisgyr

... I grew up in a predominantly Swedish-American household. I am rather proud of my heritage and ancestry on this side, and perhaps it was this pride that led me to my study of Asatru a month or two ago.

Small correction, I know. But Swedish-American households are not the same as Swedish households, strictly speaking.

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Given the circumstances of growing up only around my mother's family, I am extremely biased when it comes to my ancestry. In the past when my ancestry/heritage has been questioned, I have only mentioned the Swedish side. I am aware it is not very truthful, but I felt/feel no connection to my other family or ancestry.

Ah- see, there's ancestry and then there's culture. My mom isn't Rroma. She did as little as she could to still be allowed in my Father's household. That said, my ancestry includes her lines. My culture does not.

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Is it considered immoral to be selective/biased when it comes to one's ancestry? I am sure it can, but the circumstances cloud my judgment of the matter. After all, one cannot choose their family, right?

Has anyone else experienced something like this?

This is where knowing the difference between culture and heritage helps.

Heritage is the family tree. Culture is what you live.

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I know nothing of the family's religious practices outside of recent Catholicism, and I know nothing of the family's history past my great-grandfather coming to America.
Would it be appropriate for me to look into these things, given how selective/biased I've been?

Knowledge of where we come from is knowledge all the same.

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Specifically regarding the family's religious practices, would it be wrong to look into any paths they may have followed? And by look into, I mean research, not take as my own immediately. I have a feeling they were predominantly Christian.

See above. If we start talking smack about people who research Christianity, I'm in deep s**t.

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It seems to me that since I've denied that half of my ancestry so far, I should not go about doing research into it and let sleeping dogs lie.

This is really up to you. If you're only reason for "letting sleeping dogs lie" is guilt that you haven't done it up til now, I'd say you might want to explore that and either find a better justification ("I don't give a flying rat's a** about it" is typically a good one. ) or get over the guilt/what not.  

[Lance Kibagari]

TeaDidikai

Small correction, I know. But Swedish-American households are not the same as Swedish households, strictly speaking.

Oh, thank you. I hadn't though of that, and have corrected it in the original post.

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This is where knowing the difference between culture and heritage helps.

Heritage is the family tree. Culture is what you live.

I admit I wasn't quite clear on the definitions; thank you for clarifying that for me. It does make a lot more sense now.

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Knowledge of where we come from is knowledge all the same.

Very true.

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If we start talking smack about people who research Christianity, I'm in deep s**t.

Again, very true. I had done research into Episcopalian Christianity (as I had been baptized in that religion), but it never felt quite right; I never got anything from the teachings. But then again, that does not discount ALL of Christianity.

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If you're only reason for "letting sleeping dogs lie" is guilt that you haven't done it up til now, I'd say you might want to explore that and either find a better justification ("I don't give a flying rat's a** about it" is typically a good one. ) or get over the guilt/what not.

Hmm. I really don't give a flying rat's a** about it, but there is a slight feeling of guilt that goes with the fact that I've basically denied an entire half of my family tree. But then, that heritage is not part of my culture, and I don't believe I'd want to add it in. Still, it would not hurt to at least know where I come from on the other side.

Thanks for giving me something else to think about. 3nodding  

[TeaDidikai]

Lance Kisgyr

Oh, thank you... -snip-

Welcome.

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Again, very true. I had done research into Episcopalian Christianity (as I had been baptized in that religion), but it never felt quite right; I never got anything from the teachings. But then again, that does not discount ALL of Christianity.

It also doesn't discount Episcopalian Christianity. With no disrespect, what passes for research when it comes to Christendom is usually very shallow- not for lack of trying, but to understand a given tradition, you have to get what came before... and that's a ******** of information.

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Hmm. I really don't give a flying rat's a** about it, but there is a slight feeling of guilt that goes with the fact that I've basically denied an entire half of my family tree.

In this case, it's not so much a denial as much as a lack of indulgence.

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Still, it would not hurt to at least know where I come from on the other side.

Thanks for giving me something else to think about. 3nodding

If nothing else, knowing how they ended up in Canada might be interesting.  

[Collowrath]

I don't see much problem. I have a similar situation to the ones mentioned here. I was raised by my mother as a Slovak. Most of that was completely subconscious on her part - she did her best to repress who she was because "we're Americans now; deal with it." A lot of my own traditions are reclaimed - I've joined other elements of my family away from my mother and other elements of the community here. It was a huge shock to me a couple of years ago when I realized a) how much Slovak I actually spoke (I assumed very little, turns out under pressure it was much better), and b) how much Slovak culture I was taught and was retained in my family, even when my mother herself didn't much notice it. Doesn't help that me and my mother are both very shy and somewhat agoraphobic.

Essentially, it was a major shock when I came out of my shell and started making friends outside my family that I didn't have a damn thing in common with Anglos besides the color of my skin.

But here's the wrench - I live with my father, in his house, away from my mother and her family. This is a pretty recent development, only since January of this year. His family is of Welsh extraction.

You almost can't tell we're family. He was never around me when I was little. A barely knew who he was until middle school. It's only been since high school when he got on anti-depressants and stopped working 6 days a week that he's been a constant figure in my life, especially when my mother's bipolar spiraled out of control. I pepper my speech with Slovak terms. I fast during Lent. I don't look like him at all. Our mannerisms are entirely different.

To top it off, he hates that I take after my mother and her family. He hates that I speak Slovak, he hates the traditions that I hold, he hates the surname I use.

But he didn't raise me. His culture didn't affect me. His culture is not mine, his history isn't mine.

Essentially, my opinion would be that it would be great to research it and understand it, but I wouldn't worry about being "selective" of a heritage you weren't raised with.  

[Lance Kibagari]

TeaDidikai

It also doesn't discount Episcopalian Christianity. With no disrespect, what passes for research when it comes to Christendom is usually very shallow- not for lack of trying, but to understand a given tradition, you have to get what came before... and that's a ******** of information.

No disrespect taken; you make a valid point. It is rather daunting, a task I do not believe I am up to at this moment.

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In this case, it's not so much a denial as much as a lack of indulgence.

Hmm. I see your point here, and it definitely shifts my view on it. Thanks.

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If nothing else, knowing how they ended up in Canada might be interesting.

Agreed. Again, thank you. Your insights are always extremely helpful.  

[Lance Kibagari]

Collowrath

Essentially, my opinion would be that it would be great to research it and understand it, but I wouldn't worry about being "selective" of a heritage you weren't raised with.

Your story is very interesting, thank you for taking the time to share it. I always love hearing about someone else's experiences.

As for your opinion, I can see where you're coming from, and appreciate it.  

[TeaDidikai]

Lance Kisgyr

No disrespect taken; you make a valid point. It is rather daunting, a task I do not believe I am up to at this moment.

No worries. Some of it you'll learn through osmosis. twisted

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Hmm. I see your point here, and it definitely shifts my view on it. Thanks.

Welcome.

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Agreed. Again, thank you. Your insights are always extremely helpful.

Careful now. We can't have you ruining my reputation for being a completely unreasonable ignorant b***h.

Collowrath

You almost can't tell we're family. ...

To top it off, he hates that I take after my mother and her family. He hates that I speak Slovak, he hates the traditions that I hold, he hates the surname I use.

But he didn't raise me. His culture didn't affect me. His culture is not mine, his history isn't mine.

Essentially, my opinion would be that it would be great to research it and understand it, but I wouldn't worry about being "selective" of a heritage you weren't raised with.

I'm in a similar situation. I grew up with my father's family, and my Nana until my father passed.

Then I went through about ten years of living with my mother before she kicked me out for the last time. I reconnected with my father's family and unlearned some bad habits and learned some good ones in their place.

To be fair, I might not have been accepted back if it weren't for the fact that my brother is a lost cause and I am the first born of my generation- well, that and I was Baba's favorite until she passed as well.

Naw, really, in retrospect, being Baba's favorite was likely what made it so easy to be re-accepted.  

[Collowrath]

Lance Kisgyr

Collowrath

Essentially, my opinion would be that it would be great to research it and understand it, but I wouldn't worry about being "selective" of a heritage you weren't raised with.

Your story is very interesting, thank you for taking the time to share it. I always love hearing about someone else's experiences.

As for your opinion, I can see where you're coming from, and appreciate it.

You're welcome! It kind of hit a button for me - I struggled with it for a while just earlier this year. smile

TeaDidikai

Naw, really, in retrospect, being Baba's favorite was likely what made it so easy to be re-accepted.

I was the only one who could get away with calling my grandmother a silly nickname she hated. I think I was the favorite.
rofl  

[Lance Kibagari]

TeaDidikai

Careful now. We can't have you ruining my reputation for being a completely unreasonable ignorant b***h.

I will admit that you seemed to be such at first, but luckily I looked past it. But I won't tell anyone, no worries. wink

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To be fair, I might not have been accepted back if it weren't for the fact that my brother is a lost cause and I am the first born of my generation- well, that and I was Baba's favorite until she passed as well.

Being the not-lost cause of the generation usually helps.
My step-brother fills the role of the lost cause.
I use this terms to clarify for those reading, however- in my family, family is family. He's my brother, I grew up with him. Just like his father is my dad, as he raised me as his own.

EDIT (this has been edited): Fun fact, my dad can trace his lineage to one of the 120 pilgrims passengers that came over on the Mayflower, Edward Doty.

In my direct line, however, I'm the only male descendant capable of reproduction. I do have cousins, but they are my grandfather's brother's grandchildren. One is male and looks just like me (frighteningly so), and his sister likely will not be reproducing.

My grandfather had two kids. My mother had me, and my uncle likely will never reproduce and looks to me as his heir. I've been told I've got quite the load on my shoulders in the sense that I'm basically the sole heir of my grandfather's side of the bloodline.

What an understatement that is.  

[saint dreya]

In regards to lost/unknown ancestry and it's place in one's life, I can definitely sympathize with some of the feelings that come.

My mother was not married to my father and I've never met him or his family. I know only my mother's family tree. I don't even know what heritage I get from my father.

In response, my culture, as well some religious aspects, heavily rely on my knowledge of my maternal genealogy. While I'd like to learn about my father's side, it's not integral to my life and faith.

With that, I think it also comes to the difference between acceptance and knowledge, and integration and association.

For the former, you know about it, you accept it, and you stow it away. You might bring it out at dinner parties when it concerns family history, but nothing beyond that.

The latter, you actively incorporate this knowledge into your life. You might even attach a label associated with it.

For comparison: do you take home and befriend everyone you work with? Do you plan your life around coworkers or schoolmates lives? When you hear the neighbor 3 doors down disapprove of your dog, do you take it to heart, or do you brush it off?

Not everything that happens in our lives do we incorporate into who we are. Why should DNA?  

[TeaDidikai]

Collowrath

I was the only one who could get away with calling my grandmother a silly nickname she hated. I think I was the favorite.
rofl

mrgreen

Lance Kisgyr

I will admit that you seemed to be such at first,

confused

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I've been told I've got quite the load on my shoulders in the sense that I'm basically the sole heir of my grandfather's side of the bloodline.

What an understatement that is.

My cousin had a child before I did. It's actually a small point of sorrow really.  

[Lance Kibagari]

TeaDidikai

Lance Kisgyr

I will admit that you seemed to be such at first,

confused

I never claimed to be beyond the occasional act of shortsightedness. confused  

[saint dreya]

TeaDidikai

My cousin had a child before I did. It's actually a small point of sorrow really.

If it's not too much prying, why?  

[Shearaha]

The biggest problem I have with looking into my family history is that my paternal grandfather is a dead end. He was born out of wedlock and his mother didn't give her name. I have no idea of my heritage from that side. Paternal grandmother on the other hand could trace her lineage back to when they first came to the americas, with William Penn. My mothers side is german american on both sides. No one really kept track after coming over.