And Even Now

[ash_nite1]

This poem is recommended for ages 13+
And Even Now

You feel him
His essence in your being
as he holds you down

You struggle
his hands clasp around your neck
Daring you to take, one. last. breath.

You hear him
His crazed evil laughter
too consumed within himself

to notice

You can see him
as he places the tape around your eyes
as he moves in for the final round

Your instincts plead against
yelling, inside of you
run, run and hide

But how
how could you possibly run
when your limbs are limp and dead

but still you struggle
you try to run
to fight him off

Now you've made a wrong move
or he's simply bored
So he finishes you

And now its over
And he's left you here dead

and even now you can taste the blood
and even now you can see your vision clouding
and even now when you couldn't possibly breath
and even now that your heart has stopped beating

You fight

A Hero of darkness
of pain struggle and blood
fighting till the end
till the last drop of life
has left you

Till all that bears witness
to this gory unjust scene
is a cold body
weeping tears of death




This is a first draft of the poem, please critique me and give me advice  

[Animosh]

Well, I don't really know what to say. I thought it was good writing--you didn't use mind, soul, spirit, heart which I commend you. Most poetry nowadays is rank with those four words. They make me cringe. lol. I think you need to pay a little more attention to punctuation toward the end; but overall good. And the flow was nice. I like that it wasn't a normal rhythm throughout; it changed but still flowed.

biggrin  

[ash_nite1]

Barefoot Shepherdess

Well, I don't really know what to say. I thought it was good writing--you didn't use mind, soul, spirit, heart which I commend you. Most poetry nowadays is rank with those four words. They make me cringe. lol. I think you need to pay a little more attention to punctuation toward the end; but overall good. And the flow was nice. I like that it wasn't a normal rhythm throughout; it changed but still flowed.

biggrin

THX biggrin biggrin
i love the complements
and, i agree with you about the punctuation, but this is only a first draft  

[Semiremis]

Wow. I was captured by it, the imagery was there, the flow was good, it kept me interested.

Very well done.  

[ash_nite1]

thanks biggrin biggrin biggrin biggrin biggrin biggrin biggrin biggrin biggrin biggrin biggrin
its weird how a poem about something so awful can make people happy.

P.S. Right now i'm looking for inspirationif you have an idea, or want me to write a poem for you about something specific just let me know.