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 Posted: Thu Jun 11, 2009 12:32 pm
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Posted: Wed Jun 17, 2009 5:53 am
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I feel like there could be more description, believe it or not. The part when your talking about how the town is in ruin, using descriptive language might make it easier to see than saying it was in ruin. Describe the kind of landscape it's in. Is there silence or are there some kind of alien animals running around? Were there already people there? Also I'm curious as to their reason for being there. It would make more sense if there was already a base there, or if they were attacking the enemy's base. It doesn't make sense for them to drop into a place where there's nothing to gain, just to wait for the enemy to attack. The last thing I wanted to mention was the part where the other marine was talking about how the Necrons kill you.
Quote: “Hey, this isn’t like anything we’ve you've ever seen before .,” Ssaid another marine in the Rhino. “They pop out of the ground, they dig through your skin, they cut your skin off and wear it, and THEN they kill you. And if you’re real un-lucky, they should do it in that order.” I looked at him in a daze. Scars lined his face. Metal was scattered over his exposed body, not much, but it probably ran down over most of his body. < This sentence is a little difficult to read. He looked like he 'd lost the will to live. His eyes were dull and in a stared blank ly stare. He must have gone through a lot. “Damn, what did you go through .?” Byrun exclaimed. “Hell.” He said in a flat voice.
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