The Sights and Sounds

[Metal Adrasteia]

The sights and sounds, the stars, the lights,
They’re falling down, into the night.
The mirror shards, the broken glass,
We’re watching it all, watching it pass.
The stars are twinkling, waving goodbye,
I’m trying to stop you, but I find that I-
I’m standing alone in an empty field,
Clutching this heart, the one you healed.
There are so many stains on my white cotton dress,
The one that I wore; wore to impress.
Am I holding your hand, or is that just a dream?
It’s perfectly silent, but I can hear my scream.
I want to wake up, and turn on the light,
But I’m falling down, deep into the night.


Any and all critiquing would be lovely smile  

[Semiremis]

Not bad. Is this a particular type of sonnet, it has the fourteen lines but I don't recognize the rhyme scheme and the syllables in each line are inconsistent? There's nothing wrong with it if it isn't I was just curious.

My first impression when I read your poem was that it said too much, too clearly. There are literary devices that you can use to say what you want to say but in a way that carries more of a punch (I'm not sure if that's the best way to put it). Each time I read over your poem I started to like it more and more, there are parts of it where the flow just works real well. I like the use of repetition too and how you switched it up a bit in the end.

I'm not sure what else to say, I think it has great potential but I don't think it's quite there yet. That's just my opinion though. Poetry oftentimes speaks differently to different readers.  

[Metal Adrasteia]

Thank you so much for your comments. It's not a sonnet, just rhyming couplets, the fourteen lines was completely accidental. I'm not sure what you mean by saying too much too clearly, since most of it is symbolic for something else. I was actually wondering if it's too cryptic, because the actual event this centers around is never stated.

Thanks again!  

[Santinka]

This is a beautiful poem, quite sad at the end. I must agree with Savage about the inconsistent syllables, but your imagery is good.