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 Posted: Tue Mar 17, 2009 11:31 pm
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Posted: Wed Mar 18, 2009 10:30 am
Women run away from commitment sometimes too, but that's another topic sweatdrop I cannot speak for your ex as I do not know the entire situation, but I can try to give some general insight into the "fear of commitment" that people experience.
There are a few factors that alone don't seem like much, but they can add up in a person's mind and make it hard for them to commit. Some of these are: uncertainty that things will work out in the long run and knowing that separating after the commitment has been made will be a lot harder {especially in marriage}, worry that they are just settling for a "less than perfect" companion {or "the one" might still be out there}, discouragement from friends, family and/or other mediums {such as how sitcoms sometimes display married couples as being miserable}, assumptions and false ideas of what marriage/commitment is like, the realization that one will no longer be "available" and all the things that entails {such as not being able to playfully flirt with or "check out" other people}, feeling a need to be "more experienced" before settling down, belief that either they or their partner {or both} are not mentally mature or responsible enough for that step just yet, and financial concerns. This obviously is not all of them, but they are the ones that I could think of off the top of my head that I have encountered.
When it comes to admitting the fear of commitment, it can be really hard on guys because most of us don't like to talk about feelings. What makes the commitment subject specifically even more difficult is the "fear of commitment" stereotype that has been plastered on our gender. So trying to talk about it could just result in people rolling their eyes and thinking, "Pfft. That's so typical of men" instead of the concerns being taken seriously and worked through... in which case it's easier to just bail out instead of going through the humiliation of trying to talk it out only to be stereotyped, yelled at, and/or made fun of {not saying that's the proper thing to do, just explaining why it happens}.
I find the part about him saying the relationship had to be over by a certain date to be rather odd... he could have been trying to test you in some way to see what you would do... like if you would try to keep the relationship together or convince him to change his mind, or see how dedicated to continuing relationship you were. If I were in that situation, you having just let go would say to me that it wasn't meant to be and I made the right choice to leave as you were not going to try to keep me around. I could just be reading too much into the action, though and his reasoning could have been completely different.
*Edit* I discussed the part about ending the relationship on a certain date with my spouse, and they said they too would have just left sweatdrop And a specific date being there would imply that I was planning on getting with someone else already, and saying that I want it to end would just be saying that I didn't like them anymore. It's a good thing I didn't do something like that before we were married gonk
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Posted: Wed Mar 18, 2009 3:53 pm
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Posted: Thu Mar 19, 2009 1:48 pm
There are a lot of reasons for fear of commitment and ThisEmptySoul hit on a lot of them. That may or may not be what’s going on here. He may want to see other women while holding on to you or he may want to break up and this is his clumsy way of doing it or who knows. I can understand you wanting to know why, especially after so much time. Since he doesn’t sound like he’s being very forthcoming, that may never happen. If you can make peace with the uncertainty, it might make the situation a bit more bearable for you. I know, it’s a lot easier said than done.
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Posted: Thu Mar 19, 2009 8:36 pm
TheEmptySoul and Plan Nine both have a point.
From my perspective, your boyfriend giving a specific date to break-up does not like he was testing you. A truly secure person would not need to test his or her lover. It sounds like a cop-out to have you do the breaking up instead of him. I can not say why, but that may be the reason.
There could have been a number of reasons he wanted to break-up with you. He may have had a fear of having a committed relationship or he may have came to a realization that he does not want to be committed. It may even be that he wanted to be in a committed relationship but not necessarily with you (sorry if that sounds offensive).
You may not get the closure you want from him, especially if he hasn't replied to your e-mail within a week. Plan Nine was right to suggest that you do your best to make peace with how things are. It's not simple but it can be done. My personal suggestion is not to get hung-up on that guy and leave him alone. Just because he said that he wouldn't have time for a relationship doesn't mean he wouldn't make time for sex (and there are a lot of men who will lead a woman by the nose into the bedroom on the pretense that they would reconcile).
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Posted: Fri Mar 20, 2009 1:14 am
Daffodil the Destroyer Well, the certain date thing was that he's going back to school in the fall and he says he "can't be in a relationship with anyone" while he goes to school.
Of course, not all guys do this... but some people think they need to leave themselves open to "meet new people" throughout college and their younger years so they don't "grow up too fast". It takes a while before people like this -actually- want to commit... even if they say otherwise. It's as lunaci said... there are some guys that will say anything if it makes you take your pants off.
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Posted: Sat Mar 21, 2009 5:50 am
I dont see this as a fear of committment... I see this as he may know of the potential opportunity of what awaits when he gets to college.
I dont know if this is a case where you are coming out of high school going into college... you havent mentioned your ages.. and I am willing to bet his age is going to open up alot of doors here...
but.. Im gonna go out on a limb here. It sounds an awful like to me that college is 'opportunity', and I dont mean classes that will help a person excel... I dont mean to sound callous but... I dont see young aged-guys understanding the stigma behind committment and the true bonding of a relationship. He is heading off to college.. clearly he has made his agenda known...
Do yourself a favor on this situation: Become empowered and come to realize its HIS loss and not yours. He will most likely get put into his place as a rising Freshman all over again, but this time in college. If he thinks the grass-looks-greener-and-better-on-the-other-side, then sit back, relax and watch him take his first step into a pile of manure and laugh your a** off. Clearly he was nothing more than a passenger on the ship until the next dock was scheduled... and that guy will get his comeuppance REAL hard!
Could you share with us both your ages?
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Posted: Sat Mar 21, 2009 7:51 am
I'm 23 and about to graduate from college. He is 25 and has already tried college once - and did a terrible job of it. He dropped school to join the Air Force, wherein he gained an actual work ethic and decided that he was ready to go back and finish his degree. He really doesn't do well with distractions; I've seen it in action, which is why it seemed true when he told me that he couldn't be in a relationship while he finishes school if he really wants to do well. The first time around, he had a serious relationship with one woman for a year before she broke his heart - and she really was a distraction from his work. He was always either with her or playing games with his roommate. The only reason it seems like he isn't being honest with me now is the facebook thing and the fact that ever since going to Iraq, he seems like a completely different person (in a very bad way).
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Posted: Sat Mar 21, 2009 4:47 pm
Daffodil the Destroyer
I'm 23 and about to graduate from college. He is 25 and has already tried college once - and did a terrible job of it. He dropped school to join the Air Force, wherein he gained an actual work ethic and decided that he was ready to go back and finish his degree. He really doesn't do well with distractions; I've seen it in action, which is why it seemed true when he told me that he couldn't be in a relationship while he finishes school if he really wants to do well. The first time around, he had a serious relationship with one woman for a year before she broke his heart - and she really was a distraction from his work. He was always either with her or playing games with his roommate. The only reason it seems like he isn't being honest with me now is the facebook thing and the fact that ever since going to Iraq, he seems like a completely different person (in a very bad way).
There is a possibility that being in the Air Force, and now Iraq, has changed him. Some of the soldiers over there end up coming back with less than balanced mindsets. You might want to back off of the whole relationship concept and just ask if there is anything you can do for him. At the very least, tell him, as a friend who is worried about him. This might open up to other matters, but as others have said, you may want to make your peace with things as they are. Personally, I have a boyfriend now in college, we both are attending there, but he is a year and two grades below me, so we are just taking things one step at a time, committed but ready for the worst should it happen. And guys just are fearful, I'm guessing, of committing. My boyfriend is actually my ex, and we reconciled. I asked why he had left, and he cited inability to focus as well as other personal issues. He said, that at the time, he didn't feel ready, and that maybe someone better was out there for me. Two to three years later, he matured and we're back together now. [Well...he's a BIT more mature anyway 4laugh ] Anyways, I'm rambling so I'll end it here.
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Posted: Thu Mar 26, 2009 2:03 am
There is one viewpoint that people have touched on but haven't really fleshed out. Sadly, and I hate to admit this, there are men out there who are not interested in commitment. These guys give the rest of us a bad name. I don't know if your guy is one of them, but due to television and other media, this is a more common occurrence today. These guys will stick with a woman for as long as it is convenient, aka, as long as they don't have to put a massive amount of effort into the relationship. Once things start to cool down and the true tests of love kick in, they bail and move on to their next conquest.
I sincerely hope this isn't the case for you, but if it is don't let it ruin your outlook on love. It is still out there, even though it might be harder to find nowadays.
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Posted: Thu Mar 26, 2009 10:11 am
Well, I got to talk to him recently and it really seems like he's got two warring sides of himself right now. He still loves and cares for me, and feels terrible for putting me through this, but at the same time, he's not where he feels like he needs to be right now with his career and education (I actually learned recently that apparently it's a typical male trait to avoid marriage-type commitment until the man feels that his career and such is where he feels it should be). We both hope that we will be able to revisit this relationship with a better end result after he finishes school. So, while I am still missing him terribly, at least I know his reasons for not contacting me up til now (we had a very lengthy and emotional conversation about it), and he has confirmed that he DOES still want me in his life if I want to be in it.
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Posted: Sat Mar 28, 2009 1:05 am
That is very good news! And yes, we guys almost require ourselves to be socially and financially secure before we commit. It's our way of making sure we are bringing our part to the relationship.
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