My school paper's a hit?!?!

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I had written these five stories as an assignment and so far everyone who's read told me they love it. Your opinion/constructive criticism?  

[-xX_Restless_Xx-]

Breakdown
The sunflowers were bright against the cloudy sky. It’s going to rain…Dawn thought to herself. The ground beneath her was warm against her pale skin. The sensation brought only pleasant thoughts in her mind, comforting her of any doubt. Then she heard footsteps against the soil which seemed to get louder each time.
The noise soon ended and Dawn looked up to find Joe, her best friend since they were in diapers as he stood there in the same old baggy jeans and black tee shirt. His hair was in its usual long pony tail and out of his face. Joe only tied his hair back when he was working, to not die of heat stroke, which was basically most of the time since Joe worked for Dawn’s father in the fields.
Dawn continued to stare at the flawlessly tan boy and tried to keep her breath constant. Joe only stared back for a moment with his dark eyes set on her face as if trying to solve a puzzle. Then with a sigh, he laid next to her. “What’cha staring at Dawn?” This was usually Joe’s way of asking to get inside Dawn’s head. “The clouds.” She lied. In truth, she was observing the entire scenery from the ground point of view but decided not to say so, in fear he might think she belonged in a mental institution. “Hmm…” Was all Joe said as they stared in silence at natures wonders.
Not too long after, the clouds began to turn grey and it began to rain. It slowly developed to where it was pouring and you couldn’t see much through it. Joe and Dawn ran to the safety of the farmhouse and tried to wait it out. Since Dawn’s father was out of town, they were alone in the farmhouse.
They laughed and joked around as any adolescent would and waited out the rain. Then, their friendship ended altogether when their lips met. Dawn could only stare in bewilderment at what he’d done. A high pitch scream came out of Dawn’s mouth as soon as Joe stepped back and followed by her rage. “What do you think you’re doing?!” Dawn’s face had burst into flames and her breathing became heavy. Joe said nothing as he observed her in silence. This only anger Dawn even more and she yelled the words she would have never imagined telling him before. “You idiot, I hate you!” Dawn didn’t bother to wait for his response. She just ran out into the night without turning back until she had no breath left in her.
Once she paused to take a deep breath, she took notice of everything around her. The rain was still pouring hard and she couldn’t she a thing. She thought she heard her name being called and thought it have been Joe. She continued to run in fear until she could feel the paved road beneath her feet. The loose gravel pierced at her feet but she was too numb to even notice it.
She didn’t understand what was going on. She didn’t know what to do or if she should try and go back. But before she could make a decision, a pair lights came straight towards her, followed by a large screech and the pain from where she was hit. Her head hit the gravel and she lay there in pain for moment. Her last words came out in such a low whisper it was almost silent. “Sorry.” Then, everything went pitch black.

 

[-xX_Restless_Xx-]

Cemetery Drive
“Get up you good for nothing fool!”
Joe’s eyes opened to find Smith, his boss, standing in front of him with an angered expression.
“What?” Joe asked as he sat up in his chair.
“What kind of crap is this?!”
Smith shoved papers across the table to Joe. “Music. What else could it be?”
Joe responded casually in apathy.
“It’s pathetic!” Smith’s face began to turn red, his chubby cheeks trembling from him trying not to get out of hand.
Joe knew well that he shouldn’t anger his boss but he wasn’t in the mood for it.
Ever since the death of Dawn, he’s never really had that much energy to write music or work at that.

“You better start cleaning up your act, Joe or else you’ll be fired, got it?
”Smith said after finally calming down.
“Yes, sir.” Joe replied and left the studio for the day.

At his apartment, Joe slouched on his couch.
Ah, how he enjoyed to relax at home where the world couldn’t seem to touch him.
He spent his time usually sleeping or eating.
However, there are times he lets himself slip up and he thinks about the accident…

He remembers in exact details her curiosity as she stared up into the sky, her pale complexion seemed to glow against the fertile soil.
He knew she wasn’t exactly the prettiest of the bunch but she was one with the upmost beautiful soul.
That was the day he’d realized he’d fallen in love.
He acted casual about it, trying to make everything seem normal as can be for Dawn even when the rain began to pour and they were both alone in the farmhouse.
In the end he couldn’t help himself and he kissed her. He grimaced at the thought of it.
He knew that because of him, she said all those words in vain and ran straight to the road…He knew he caused her death.

Joe sat up and sighed. It’s been five years since then… He thought to himself. He knew he had to move on but found it difficult because she was his first and probably only love. Of course, he has dated quite the amount of women but not one was ever in comparison to her. What made it worse was that
He got up and left the apartment. He walked along the streets and saw Dawn?
He raced to get closer to her, pushing against the crowd.
He finally reached her but she began to walk away.
Instinctively, he reached for her and caught a grip of her arm.
She turned around and the image was exactly the same. However, he knew well Dawn was dead and this was some unrelated girl who was five years younger than him.
Even then, he couldn’t let go.

“Sorry, I got the wrong person.” He said his grip still firm on the girl.

What surprised him was that she wrapped her around him and uttered words he didn’t understand. “I’ve missed you.” What probably made it worse was that she was crying her eyes out at the same time and Joe was helpless before her.

 

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Ray’s story
Stupid, ugly, devil…these words were constantly told to the infamous Raven Jimenez.
She was the new girl to this simple city and was the most hated at her high-school.
Even though she was half way into her sophomore year, she still rather felt like a freshman from the way she was always being treated by her classmates.

It was actually quite frightening what they could do and just how creative they were.
They had her yearbook picture posted all over the school was covered with rancid writings and drawings. What bothered her the most, was that it was only the first step.
They next began making chants about how much of a stupid and ugly devil she was and how she was easy.
How ironic because from her view, these malicious people were the devils instead of her.
Of course, Ray made no effort to show them that she cared in the least bit. Next they tossed things at her regularly and shoved against walls.
Somehow things got even worse and they got extreme. In the showers, they covered her with honey and feathers, reminding her of the supposed “Patriots” and the messengers who were covered in hot black tar and feathers.
Oh, but these girls where much worse. They had literally gotten Ray on her hands and knees as they beat her. By the time their fun was over, blood was splattered everywhere and Ray lay limp.
The teachers and administration did nothing and her parents didn’t know anything about it, something she preferred to keep in that manner.

It didn’t matter what they did to her, because Ray for some odd reason she had felt like something inside her had died and something else was re-born.

It had all happened around five years ago, when she had gone to the country side to visit her grandmother.
Young Ray was the age of ten at the time and was rather pure then. (Not that she wasn’t now, but she somehow felt more innocent back then) After that neighbor girl had died in that car accident, Ray wasn’t the same person.

She felt more depressed and she had less energy to do much anymore.
It had always made her curious why it was so.

One day, Ray went to her locker and found a note waiting for her.
It turned out to be a secret admirer who wanted to meet her Friday after school at the school benches.
She suspected something of it but decided to go nevertheless.
On that Friday, she dressed herself in a simple black dress and flats.
She let her hair down in long and thick black curls,
and didn’t bother trying to look nice but didn’t want to look the same as she would at school on a regular basis.

She left her home with the note in one hand and determination on her mind. She had no idea what waited for her once she hit the city streets.
She walked down countless streets and intersects, trying to kill time, seeing she was early.

She felt someone grab her arm and she instinctively turned back to find a tall and dark young man who was probably in his late teens-early twenties.
She could only stare in shock at the man as he spoke and didn’t let go of her arm. “Sorry, I got the wrong person.”

For some bizarre reason, her body reacted on its own and wrapped her arms around his waist.
A smile was printed on her face and tears strolled down her cheeks.
Ray didn’t understand what was happening and was truthfully terrified of what was going on.
What scared her the most; however, were the words that came out her mouth, “I’ve missed you.”

 

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Afterlife
My chance at life again has finally come. Dawn thought as she forced Ray’s body to follow her commands and she spoke the words “I’ve missed you.” She never thought that this child would lead her straight to her beloved Joe whom she ran away from not too long ago in fear. What was it she was afraid of anyway? Now that she thought about it, she felt rather zany for thinking things wouldn’t work out and react to it so roughly.

She can still remember waking up, not knowing where she was. She found herself in perfect condition and thought the kiss had been all but a terrible nightmare. However, she was bewildered to find that she was wrong. She wasn’t anywhere near home but in a small room that she didn’t recognize and she stared about. She was curious to know who brought her here but froze when she saw her body lying on the bed, looking pale as ever and there was no heart rate. The floor spun beneath her and she felt desolated and grim at the same time. What was going on? Why was her corpse laying before her in this hospital room? Everything before her eyes turned blurry then back to the pitch black darkness.

She awoke to the sound of a sweet tone. The pervasive girl seemed to be sparkling as she sung a small song that made all the chagrin in Dawn’s heart seem as if it had never been there in the first place. She walked up to the child and took her hand. The child didn’t look up but took her hand anyway. It was as if she knew Dawn was there all along. Innately, Dawn’s soul was attached to the girl both physically and mentally along with all the fears and pains from her memories. She was now a part of the small girl.
She soon learned that the girl’s name was Raven but preferred to be called Ray. She was there for everything, including her birthdays. She found the young girl to be simply remarkable by how much pain she could bear in silence. She knew this because half of the pain was cause by her from where she remembered that day, even when she tried so hard not to.
Ray would wake up in the middle of the night either gasping for breath or crying in pain and Dawn would cry to. She knew it was wrong for her to inflict this bitter and cynical chagrin to her. Ray had done absolutely no wrong. However, as soon as Ray entered high school, she began to forget Dawn’s nightmares from the living one she was in herself.

Ray was pervasive at school to avoid trouble yet those malicious children still did her wrong. Ray was always dubious on whether or not she should continued going to school and she did. It didn’t matter how barren she felt or how intense things got, Ray stayed. Dawn was always vigilant of her due to her decision and wondered if things would be alright. She was also inspired by how bold and strong she was, wishing she herself could have been like Ray. Because Ray was such a courageous girl, Dawn was left to lament in replacement of Ray but found it to be of no use. There was no end to the troubles of the average teenager now was there?

Dawn wasn’t used to this sort of thing because she was homeschooled on the countryside but Ray has always been this city girl and it was completely different from what she imagined it to be. She had always thought that people in the city had it easier because there was more socialization and no farm work. However she now knew she was wrong from the looks of the life of this young girl.

Even though she was only five years younger, she had much better understanding of everything around her than Dawn did when she was fifteen, herself. Of which, she was grateful for. She didn’t know what she would do, if she was still alive that it, if Ray had gotten hurt on the inside anymore than before.

One day, when ray received that letter from her “secret admirer”, Ray made the choice to go and see what it was about. Dawn was terrified for Ray and wanted to yell at her to stop, which was impossible because Ray couldn’t hear her.

When she walked down the streets, Dawn grew in a panic. No! What if you get hurt? Can you trust these people?! Ray!!! She wanted to scream but couldn’t. It scared her even more that she knew what she could do but didn’t know whether or not she should do it. There may not be any room in Ray’s mind for the both of them anymore.

But as soon as she heard Joe’s sweet lullaby-like voice, she knew everything was going to be fine and innately reacted to him, controlling every part of Ray’s body. “I’ve missed you.” Dawn said as the tears fell. She felt like she had just woken up from a terrible nightmare and was saved. Then she remembered Ray and knew that by staying in control for too long may end up getting rid of Ray altogether. She didn’t want that for Ray but she didn’t want to let go either. Then it hit her. She died for a reason and her part in this life was over and done with. Now it was time for the two people she felt close to begin a new chapter. One of which Dawn would not exist. All that mattered was that they were both alive and well. It was all she needed to move on.

“I’ve missed you and I love you…”Dawn began but was interrupted by Joe. “Dawn?! It really is you! I’ve missed you too, I’m –“ Dawn hushed Joe and calmly said, “However, my time is long gone and you don’t belong to me anymore. Take good care of Ray for me.” She smiled at him for the last time and waved goodbye.
The next things she was a bright light that called to her.

 

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A new Beginning
“I’ve missed you and I love you…”Joe interjected, ecstatic to see that her soul lived on. “Dawn?! It really is you! I’ve missed you too, I’m –“Dawn hushed Joe and calmly said, “However, my time is long gone and you don’t belong to me anymore. Take good care of Ray for me.” Joe could only stare as she waved goodbye with a smile and the girl’s body went limp. Joe caught her in time before she hit the ground. So her name’s Ray, huh? He thought to himself as he carried the body away from the intercept to his apartment to avoid confusion.
Joe carried the girl into his apartment and laid her on the couch. He walked off to the kitchen to give the girl time to wake up and thought about Dawn’s last words. What did she mean her time was long gone? Why wouldn’t he belong to her? He waited all this time to end up with nothing all over again. Was it way to rest her own soul? Then he remembered that she had mentioned she loved him. So did that mean she lamented leaving when she did and dying before replying?
Joe was so curious to know and had so many questions unanswered. If only he knew what she meant, then maybe he could be at peace. Of course, Dawn had always been the strange girl so it wasn’t to weird for her to tell him all this and leave him this girl. She must be at least three years younger than him. How was he supposed to take care of a teenage girl? He’s not even much of an adult himself!
Joe sighed as the girl began to wake and made his way back to the living room. Her eyes immediately landed on him as he walked in. He simply smiled and tried to be polite. “Hey, are you okay now?” The girl only stared in silence at him like he was the zany one.
“Listen kid, I‘ve got work to do so you can hang out here for a bit or something so I can give you a ride home.” Joe said as he grew impatient. “I can get home by myself.” She said her eyes frigid. “Sorry kiddo, I made a promise to take of you.” Joe said trying hard to be witty. “I don’t need your help.” Ray insisted. Joe simply shrugged her off and walked to his office to work on the new song.
Ray sat in the living room, looking about in the apartment, finding nothing of interest. Why was he doing this anyway? She had grown to do things on her own and now he’s saying she’s some sort of fresh meat? It infuriated her how he could be so impulsive. Then she had a sudden realization.
Some the feelings from before were gone and she felt lighter on the inside. She wasn’t as dubious as before and felt a lot more energetic than before. Hadn’t all that chagrin been a part of growing up? What was it? She was so curious to know what this strange guy knew and she didn’t. Then a face flashed in her mind.
The face was that of a girl, who looked exactly like her. No, her lips where a brighter shade of pink. There was something brilliant yet mysterious in her smile and tears. Was she smiling to hide the fact she was crying or was she just tearing from a good joke? Whatever it was, this must be the friend that guy was talking about.
That was when the guy came out of the office area and turned to her with a smile. “Let’s go.” She wasn’t sure what to think at this point but something inside told her to trust this guy.”Sure.” With that, a new chapter unfolded before them.

 

[Raizen357]

I have just finished reading the first one. You literary talents are indeed notable. I find your style of writing for this piece a bit morbid and depressing for my taste but I can not deny that is was indeed good. You have quite a mastery of sensory imagery and that is respectable. I can't wait to read the rest of them.  

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Why, thank you. Yes, I know it's pretty morbid and depressing at first but I felt it would be wrong of me to deny the reader a slight hint of reality. I think thst if I did start it off with butterflies and rainbows then it wouldn't be in the least bit interesting. And then there's also the fact that we were instructed to write with something far from the obvious introduction.  

[Rosey Lyndi]

You have a good story here, strong and really grabbing by the death in the intro. THAT'S a real reader-grabber. Perhaps though, it may be a bit better if you could build suspense...you have some there, but i get the feeling that maybe you can enhance upon that. Suspense can be a really powerful tool, and you have the perfect kind of plot for it too. Plenty of tension biggrin
Um, another thing is to indent when a new character speaks from the other. Otherwise, it's kinda jumbled. But that's just something small. Maybe you can also sort of describe more the feeling that Ray got when "she felt something die in her." Build on that, and that might bring out her character more a bit. Also, the scene in the beginning when Dawn ran away from Joe out into the rain seemed sorta rushed. Maybe a little bit more tension there might make it all the more dramatic, and SO many readers like drama. wink
Great story, and I hope to find out what happens next. Did anything come of it when you submitted it at school?
(sorry for the length!)