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 Posted: Tue Oct 14, 2008 7:49 am
Trying to get a handle on a situation, but I need to be clear on this issue. Ladies please give polite, and honest feedback. We are all adults here.
Say you dated a guy casually for about three months. You went out of state to school, and he got back together with his ex.
If you knew he was with his ex would you call him or text him at 11pm (his time), 2am your time. If you were just friends?
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Posted: Tue Oct 14, 2008 8:13 am
I would if I knew that he wouldn't be put off by it. For example I wouldn't want to get him in trouble with his ex by texting that late (incase they were together). It really depends on your friendship with him at this point. if that is considered normal, friend, behavior between the two of you then sure - I would.
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Posted: Tue Oct 14, 2008 9:54 am
If I knew it would be ok with him, and If I really needed someone to talk to I sure would. I would run it by him just to be sure its alright and wont cause any problems between him and his girlfriend. Even if its perfectly innocent, you know how girlfriends can be.
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Posted: Tue Oct 14, 2008 10:00 am
Ok I'm the girlfriend! He didn't tell me that he still talked to her to start off with. I was using his phone one day and notice that he was still in contact with her. I ask him to stop communication with her. Now if he had know her for a few years or something, but I was really uncomfortable with him talking to her after only knowing her for three months. I don't see how you can become that good of friends in such a short amount of time. He didn't stop. He erases the call history. Another important fact is that he lives with me. I don't think she know that he is with me. Help!!!
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Posted: Tue Oct 14, 2008 12:05 pm
I dunno, this guy sounds kind of suspicious to me. I suppose you could say that since she's out of state, the communication is harmless... but we all know that some men have a hard time making up their minds. I don't know the conditions of your breakup or the reasons you got back together with him, but knowing what I do, he seems to me to be one of those men. After all, if their dating was so casual, why is she contacting him at 2 a.m.? If these communications are really so innocent, why the hell didn't he tell you about them? And lastly, if she really doesn't know that the two of you are together again, then it could be that he didn't tell her because he's still pining after her.
I'm sorry, I know I'm making it sound like doom and gloom, but a girl's gotta look out for herself. These are just some things to consider, and my advice to you is that you sit your beau down and have a serious chat with him.
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Posted: Tue Oct 14, 2008 12:20 pm
See this only is validating my point from before.
I would only make that call if I knew it to be okay.
But since you knew nothing about it, and he seems to be attempting to hide all records of contact with this girl - it does not seem to be of a purely friendly nature.
If it were he would have told you outright that he is friends with this girl and not to be freaked out if she sometimes calls becuase their friends etc. etc. He could have gone so far as to offer to let you talk to this girl on the phone so there would be no secrets...
there should be no hidden secrets about a friendship - or defensiveness about the nature of the relationship. His actions suggest guilt on his part...
Hope this works out in your best interest.
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Posted: Tue Oct 14, 2008 3:34 pm
If it was me, I'd sneak off with his phone and send HER a text message from him that he's living now living with me, and suggest she call [my number] to chat about him.
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Posted: Tue Oct 14, 2008 7:18 pm
quite honestly, if my boyfriend went through my phone and then demanded that i stop all contact with a casual friend (especially one that was living out of state), i'd tell him that he was out of his mind. if it makes you uncomfortable that he has contact with this girl, you should just talk to him about it and explain why you feel that way and then give him a chance to give his side of the story. hell, my soon-to-be husband and i went bowling with a guy i dated casually for about the same amount of time (and yes, we became very good friends in that short time span), and it was a lot of fun with no awkwardness at all, so it can be done. unless the texts are sexual or you have reason to suspect that he is acutally being unfaithful (not just talking to another female) then i think you ought to cut him some slack.
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Posted: Tue Oct 14, 2008 8:32 pm
Depends on the guy. Has all his other habits shown that he's honest? Does he give an honest, I'm-completely-open-to-communication vibe all the time?
I just might be in your boyfriend's shoes, and will probably be there for many years to come....
You see, my ex has become one of my best friends. And my boyfriend is completely aware of this. And to put the cherry on top, we're in a semi-long distance relationship (2 hours by Greyhound). That said, my communication method is very different from your boyfriend's. I tell my boyfriend everything that affects our relationship, including the time when my ex confessed that he was still in love with me a year after we broke up.
While you should be suspicious, there is the possibility that your boyfriend's communication method is different (and rather ineffective) in the way that he's trying to lessen your pain and fear that he's not being committed to you.
I'm not too sure about making demands at this point, but you should make it crystal clear that you are uncomfortable with the fact that he isn't telling you that he's contacting his ex. If he respects you, he will explain the situation (and you shouldn't interrupt him or jump to conclusions when he's explaining) and possibly try to find a compromise. He might come up with a solution himself and ask you for your approval or he might ask you to come up with one. The latter doesn't mean he's not taking initiative in the relationship, just that he might be stuck but still wants to be committed to you.
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Posted: Thu Oct 16, 2008 1:54 am
Hopefully he would show you the respect as his "chosen one" to make it clear to the other girl that he's taken.
If he's made it clear, and she isn't getting the picture and being respectful of the relationship, then he should cut her out of the picture.
However, if it is an innocent thing, then he should be open with you about it.
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Posted: Thu Oct 16, 2008 3:53 pm
Yeah why not? Is it normal to text people that late? For me and my friends - it is. If I'm out with someone important enough, I won't answre my texts. Otherwise - why not?
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Posted: Thu Oct 16, 2008 5:34 pm
I would just go ahead and text him. You are his girlfriend, she is his ex. You have more of a right to do so and if he or his ex objects, then there is an issue.
And he should make it clear to his ex that you are his girlfriend. Something sounds suspicious though.
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Posted: Thu Oct 16, 2008 7:52 pm
I would only do that if I liked him and I was trying to break them up.
Otherwise, no.
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Posted: Thu Oct 16, 2008 9:19 pm
I would if I knew he was alright with it or if it was an actual emergency of some sort. If he started sounding vague or put off by it then there may be some concerns.
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Posted: Sat Oct 18, 2008 7:08 pm
You said that the ex went out of state to school, and the text was sent at 2am her time. It almost sounds to me that she is feeling alone being in a new area. The college party scene can be pretty hectic, especially when you are a freshman. I think that she may be trying to hold on to something familiar. Talk to your boyfriend about it. If he is commited to his relationship with you, he will be open and honest with you. And please remember to ask, not demand.
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