40k and fantasy stories

[Blood Raven777]

plz comment on this part of a story i am working on, the story is called Memoirs:

Just over the hill in the next clearing Lord General Jack Grundy was chatting and joking with the men when he heard something like shouting from the next clearing. He walked to the top of the hill and saw a sea of red, he saw demons, traitors and most importantly he saw astartes fighting, he saw a dust trail in the distance so he looked through his magnoculars and saw rhinos, razorbacks and escorting vehicles full of civilians, and they were defending the pass to allow the civilians to escape. He saw a few rocks on the ground so he picked them up and decided to have some fun, he threw one hitting a lesser demon on the head but it decided to hit another one instead of looking behind it, it began to fight with the other one, so he picked up his vox, “Cadians make ready for some action”, he heard the engines starting up, he looked back to see they were starting to make their way up when he stopped them with a hand signal, he threw the other stone which hit both the lesser demons head and they looked back, he waved and ran back over the hill when they gave chase. He ran to his men, “MAKE READY”, they came over the hill, “FIRE”, and streaks of las-shots went across the sky into the lesser demons. He walked to the top of the hill and watched again, there was shouting coming from the chaos army, they were shouting too much that they didn’t even hear the armour engines on top of the hill, he started to walk down the hill, stopped drawn out his sword and shouts “FOR THE EMPEROR”, all the men shouted the same and they charged down the hill shouting at the hip hitting traitor marines head on, sentinels strolling into battle while firing their weapons, thousands of las-weapons fired into the mass. The enemy now had two fights to deal with, the imperial guard and the loyal dogs, their forces in the rear turned to get las beams in their faces and they shot back taking down dozens of guardsmen, plasma shots from both sides were exchanged . Imperial tanks were at the top of the hill firing into the mass of traitors, their heavy bolters shells chewing up bodies, a rogue shot hit the sergeant next to the general and with one smooth motion he placed his bolter gun into his holster and grabbed the other sword, he was running next to the thirteenth squad who were firing their plasma shots, grenades and their multi-melters into the enemy  

[Caleidah]

Is it that hard to see the little subforum titled "Fiction"? Honestly. Also, this is a direct violation of Guild Rules. Don't post things on the front page again.

This will be moved to the Fiction Subforum in ten minutes time.  

[Blood Raven777]

sorry i didn't see it, i was just wondering  

[Caleidah]

Oh...oh wow...

I'm sorry, man, but that was just painful. If there were guardsmen that close to the front, they'd have been contacted and would have been pressganged into fighting. Seriously.

Why the hell are you, writing from an Imperial perspective, calling Space Marines "dogs"?  

[Blood Raven777]

its only a story, its different, the only time i have seen anything like that is from the tanith 1st books, i am trying to make it funny but serious at the same time  

[Vikki Stardust]

You really, really need to work on your punctuation. Trying to read that all in one breath is lethal. I tried reading this to my friend and nearly choked halfway through gonk

Work on the funny thing, it wasn't funny.

The ending is rather abrupt and sudden, which is probably good. You might want to work on your structure and flow a lot more.  

[Blood Raven777]

that is part of the story, i have 7 pages so far, haven't got to the planetfall yet in the story, i am working on it  

[Vikki Stardust]

You're not taking our criticism into account are you? confused  

[Caleidah]

I don't think he is. This one is fairly pigheaded stubborn from what I've seen in other threads.

At least, he doesn't see the main points that we're making.

The main point: It helps to not slaughter the English language. Take a bit more time with your writing and really focus on your sentence structure. This would benefit hugely from a second going through to clean up its punctuation and grammatical structure.  

[Vikki Stardust]

Careful now, rude comments like that will only scare people away confused  

[Caleidah]

Kaori Kapoigne

Careful now, rude comments like that will only scare people away confused

Comment has been fixed.  

[Vikki Stardust]

Caleidah

Kaori Kapoigne

Careful now, rude comments like that will only scare people away confused

Comment has been fixed.

We can't have any more monsters around here now can we? wink  

[Blood Raven777]

do u criticis everyone who puts parts of their stories on or just mine, ((sorry for the spelling must be my english))  

[Caleidah]

Blood Raven777

do u criticis everyone who puts parts of their stories on or just mine, ((sorry for the spelling must be my english))

I criticize the stories that I feel need the critique. Your story needed the critique. I can see what you're getting at with this story, but there are some things that need to be cleaned up and made a bit more fluffy. Like I said earlier, any local Guard regiments would have been inducted to fight for the Marines. By the very nature of their being, the Daemons would have not only attacked the Marines, but some would have poured over the hills to attack the surrounding areas.  

[Blood Raven777]

it can be edited in the future, it is different then what you can read in different stories, i have about 93 books and each is different