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 Posted: Mon Sep 01, 2008 6:29 am
Yeah, it's another topic on love.
So, I was in a four year long relationship until about November of last year when my loved one decided he was interested in some other girl and wound up cheating on me. Now I've been single for almost a year and I think I've been doing really well re-gathering who I am and so on, but I've found it difficult to trust others. Last night, I got into a discussion with a friend whom I have really strong feelings for (which he returned at one point and then decided we were getting too close and claimed he just wanted to be friends because every time he gets near me he gets scared) and we started discussing the topic of love. I brought up my grandparents who have been married for 50 some years and they still act like they're in love.. At that point he told me that that's not love anymore; that when you get to that age, it's just tolerance and probably really great sex..
What I want to know is, is that true? Or do you think it's possible to truly love someone with all your heart the rest of your life? Because I'm feeling that if what he said is true, then I'm better off staying alone, especially if a majority of men feel this way... Which I actually find really disheartening and depressing, because after what I went through, I so badly wanted to believe that yes, love still is out there and that someone some day will be able to give me what my ex could not for the rest of my life.
Feh. And now I just feel kind of awkward pouring my heart out here. sweatdrop Opinions, please?
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Posted: Mon Sep 01, 2008 8:02 am
Well, I must say I understand what you're going through. I was with the woman I loved for almost 4 years, a year and a half of that, we were actually married. I look at my grandparents, who have been married for 55 years now, and I think they truely still love each other. I know I can look at my parents, who have been married for over 30 years and know that they are still in love.
Although I have been hurt with my past relationship, I feel very strongly that if you find that right person, then yes, it's possible to love someone for the rest of your life. I hope that helps, I know it's a bit of me rambling.
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Posted: Mon Sep 01, 2008 8:30 am
I think what he was more referring to is the change from the "infatuation" stage of a relationship, to the "commitment" stage.
In the infatuation stage, all you can think about is each other. To touch, to kiss, to play, to fawn, to everything. You can't get enough of each other. But ofcourse, you don't get much of anything else done during that stage. so sooner or later it cools down. From a full on boil to a gentle simmer.
The thing is, a lot of people are misguided to think that a gentle simmer is "less" of a love than the boil. So they think, that when that fire has passed that the love's passed with it. This isn't the truth. What love allows you is to be in that commitment stage of a relationship and yet be able to spark a full on boiling rage every once in a while..
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Posted: Mon Sep 01, 2008 8:48 am
@Vincent: I don't mind rambling, I tend to have a habit of doing the same myself, although half the time none of it makes sense and I often just get the person I'm trying to talk to confused. sweatdrop Anywho, thank you for your input. I try to keep what you said in mind because it's been said to me before, but often times it's difficult to believe when you're sitting directly in front of someone else who is saying otherwise.
@Miniar: Actually, coming from him I don't think he meant what you mentioned. In all honesty, I think he's vaguely bitter and slightly jaded because at one point he was married himself, she cheated on him, end of relationship. The next relationship he was in lasted 3 and a half years and once again, ended badly with the girl cheating on him.. And with him pushing me away to a "comfortable distance", I think he's terrified that I could hurt him just as badly along with any other women he lets into his life at this point. After all, who wants to be loved or fall in love again when there's the chance you'll end up emotionally battered once again in the end of things? He told me that there is love, he won't deny that, he just doesn't believe it lasts forever and will eventually fizzle out and die as things move alongin the relationship. I mean, by all rights, everyone who has ever been hurt that badly by someone they loved and trusted has every right to try and deny love. I guess I'm just one that wants to believe that love lasts so I can move on, where as he says things like this to keep himself safe from harm. ... If any of that made sense.
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Posted: Mon Sep 01, 2008 9:06 am
Quote: After all, who wants to be loved or fall in love again when there's the chance you'll end up emotionally battered once again in the end of things? He told me that there is love, he won't deny that, he just doesn't believe it lasts forever and will eventually fizzle out and die as things move alongin the relationship. Well, maybe I am not so well experienced because I am only married for about one year, but I am in relationship for 9 years (which is a long time at the age of 23), but in my opinion the possibility THAT you might fail is what makes love so special. If it was natural to be a sure thing it would lose some worth. Because what makes you happy and feel special is that you can trust in the love of the other one, even if it is not natural that someone is that faithful. Still I think it is up to everyone if you keep "love" existing or let it become "being used to each other". A relationship is work that never ends. It's not like you gained a guarantee by putting on that ring. AND it does not have to last forever. Only until you die^^ (At that point the discussion about "afterlife" would come in, but I think that is too far from the topic).
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Posted: Mon Sep 01, 2008 9:09 am
Personally I think you can love someone forever.
I've been in some truely shitty relationships, my current partner was married and going through a messy divorce when we met. I knew the minute I saw him that he was different and 4 years and 2 kids later I am more in love with him than ever. He didn't hug when we met, he wasn't touchy feeley with anyone, his ex had properly screwed him over (and still is) But he's different with me. He proposed this summer and I'm thoroughly looking forward to being with him forever!
I know 4 years isn't long in the grand scheme of things but I've had longer relationships where I couldn't be more pleased to see the back of them when they finally left!
We've been through some crap together and had some great times and that's what real love is about. It's not tollerance, you tollerate people you work with, doesn't mean you want to curl up with them infront of the TV every night. lol, I tollerate the fact that he never rinses the bath out, and that I'm always falling over his shoes and that I rarely get out of making the coffee but if there wasn't more to it than that I'd have been off like a shot.
I'm sure when I've been married for 50 years I'll still love him as much, if not more than I do now. Lets face it, if you don't believe in love lasting forever then what's the point? Yes, it probably changes as you get older and after you've been together for a while but surely that's what makes it so wonderful?
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Posted: Mon Sep 01, 2008 9:18 am
@Shenyu: That's quite the long relationship to be in, especially with it having started while you were so young. I mean.. It's not odd to me when I hear about people much older than myself being a relationship for that long, but wow! Congrats on that. As for the love until death thing, that's actually what I almost told him last night while we were having this discussion and he said "It only ends anyways". I think my response was along the lines of "Well, duh. Everyone dies someday."
@Fairy: And thse are all things I try to keep in mind. I try looking at some of the people in relationships around me and have to keep in mind they're still together for a reason that's more than just financial stability or the need of just having someone there for them. Granted, the financial stability thing is vaguely silly because everyone I know is in the same boat as I am and poor. xP But hey! At least we know for a fact they're not together for the money at that point.
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Posted: Mon Sep 01, 2008 9:37 am
lol, well it's certainly not the money that keeps my relationship going, his ex wife still manages to mess up our financial situation every time we think we've got it sorted.
But that's the difference with this relationship to all the others, no matter what crud the world throws at us, we deal with it together and it makes us strong. We know we're always there for each other even when things get unbearable.
Your friend sounds like he's been hurt pretty badly in the past and it's understandable that he'd be cynical. Everyone has their own way of coping, his is obviously to look on the "glass half empty" side of things, that way he'll never be dissapointed. It keeps him safe but it wont make him happy.
Life is all about risks. If you hide away forever you'll probably never get hurt, but will you have lived?
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Posted: Mon Sep 01, 2008 10:16 am
I'll keep this short because really I have no talent for fancy speeches. From my first impressions, it's just that he's scared. You're a good friend, and what if this all goes to pot? That, or you're a good friend and he doesn't want to hurt your feelings by confessing that he's no into you.
As for that disturbing comment on love. I believe that love is love, family and lovers included. The same love that I've had for my sisters for 18 and 16 years is the same that I'll have for another 50. I don't think you can turn it on or off, or have it fade. My own grandparents told me that it's the experiences you start to share, good and terrible, that can bring you closer.
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Posted: Mon Sep 01, 2008 10:57 am
I have been with my husband for fourteen years and its not just sex or putting up with each other, it's being able to see him and still get butterflies in my stomach. heart I know that he will be there no matter what happens. I just don't have to worry about it. I know he loves me very much and would do anything for me or the children. He is a good provider and we have some of the best times together. He is my best friend. We also fight, but its usually over somethign stupid. My husband's parents have been together 35 years and his mom is wheel-chair bound now. That man takes care of her with such care, tenderness and devotion...as she took care of him and the family before that. He takes her to the store with him, to get her hair done once a week, and to church every Sunday. He never complains. That to me is true love. heart
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Posted: Mon Sep 01, 2008 11:16 am
@Fairy: I told him at one point that life is about risks and if you don't take them, you're not really living.. I told him I wasn't ready for a serious relationship either, but when it came to him, he was a risk a I was willing to take and that's when he came back with "But that's the thing. I don't want any risks right now. I want to be single, not to go out to find other people, but just to be alone..." I've been told to wait and see how it plays out. He's told me he believes that relationships that start out as friendships last the longest and then he throws this curve ball at me. I'm not sure what to make of him anymore because things he says and does confuse the hell out of me.
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Posted: Mon Sep 01, 2008 11:28 am
@Vaihingen: See, confusing part of that is he went from liking me a lot to just holing it up. Whenever something serious is brought up on my part, he immediately changes the topic... The other night he spent the night with me and somehow I wound up just a tad (and god, do I hate admitting this) drunk and that's when he started asking me serious questions and let me ask him a serious question as well. I think he's only comfortable telling me "serious" things when he thinks I won't remember them the next day.
As for the love thing, I agree with that, but family is completely different than finding yourself in love with someone who isn't related by blood.. There's different kinds of love.. I love my friends a bit differently than I love my family and I love my lovers/partners/whatever differently than I love my friends and family.
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Posted: Mon Sep 01, 2008 1:21 pm
Door Au Revoir @ Fairy: I told him at one point that life is about risks and if you don't take them, you're not really living.. I told him I wasn't ready for a serious relationship either, but when it came to him, he was a risk a I was willing to take and that's when he came back with "But that's the thing. I don't want any risks right now. I want to be single, not to go out to find other people, but just to be alone..." I've been told to wait and see how it plays out. He's told me he believes that relationships that start out as friendships last the longest and then he throws this curve ball at me. I'm not sure what to make of him anymore because things he says and does confuse the hell out of me.
It's true that we're from opposite ends of the galaxy and that's what makes it interesting. Don't make men your life's work, there are far better things to ponder; why are all the tasty things fattening, why can't someone invent chocolate flavored rice-cakes, why are sexy shoes so bloody uncomfortable, why can't you buy banana jam......(can you tell I spend a lot of time on my own?!?!) Don't put your life on hold for this. Go out as mates, have a laugh together, stop worrying about the serious stuff and E N J O Y yourselves!
If it's meant to be then in time that's what will happen. That's how it happened with me and my man. Neither of us wanted a relationshit (no that's not a typo) but the more time we spent as friends the more our feelings grew.
If you guys really mean that much to each other as friends then that's probably the best way to keep it right now. You know from experience how hard it is to get yourself back on track after you've been hurt. Some people just take longer to sort it out than others.
And at the end of the day, if he doesn't ever take that extra step you still have a fantastic friend who you can talk to about anything. There's not many guys out there who'd discuss their emotions that readily, and that in itself is something to treasure.
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Posted: Mon Sep 01, 2008 3:42 pm
I've been married for 28 years to the same man. We met at college when we were 18, married at 19, and have been together except for when he was in basic training and stationed in Korea for a year. We have been best friends since we started getting to know each other and still love each other very much. Every year, he says to me that he wants another 20, 23, or however many more years with me - a feat which becomes more impossible the more time we spend together. wink
Any long term relationship has cooling stages as well as heating stages. It's not a matter of the love fading so much as life can interfere. Money problems, relatives, kids, all sorts of things can create problems that cool things off for a bit. But, when you get through the problems and "rediscover" each other, it deepens the love, deepens the relationship even more. He's still a sexy guy who surprises and intrigues me, and yet we've been together long enough that I'm more comfortable with him than anyone else on the planet. I hope we will have another 28 years together.
When I was a teen, I watched my Mom and Dad playing footsie under the table, chasing each other around a Dairy Queen, kissing in public, and more. I grew up expecting families to express love and always wanted that. Now, we embarrass our kids with similar expressions of how much we still enjoy each other's company. We play together and go through pain together, whatever life throws at us. If that's not love, it still makes me a pretty happy person.
Good luck!
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Posted: Mon Sep 01, 2008 3:56 pm
You can be in love forever. It just takes the right person and a LOT of hard work.
Sadly, sometimes the other person just isn't capable of that work. I got married the first time when I was 19. I wasn't pregnant, just stupid. And I mean that, sincerely. It took me waaaay too long to see that he was a real waste of flesh and of my life.
Now I'm on #2 after waiting nearly 20 years with only a couple of fleeting relationship-like dalliances in between. I had a son to raise on my own, a career to build, etc... We've been married 7 years now and I firmly believe we get through our challenges because we're best friends and basically respectful of each other and humanity in general. And people still joke that we need to "get a room." lol.
@Caither -- you epitomize what I'm talking about! My younger sister has been married for 11 years to the guy she dated for 11 years before that! They met when he was 15 and she was 16 and except for 3 months at one point in their early 20s, have been together ever since.
@Door -- this guy does not sound like longterm material, sad to say. I would let him go, grieve, and move on. Because it really is like death letting a relationship go, but we can and do survive. If you're strong enough and clear-eyed enough to discuss this publicly like this, you will get through it.
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