Renegade's Story

[RoyalRenegade]

I pushed away the thick jungle foilage as I continued to run, completly un-aware of the danger I had gotten myself into. I remembered the screams that day. They echoed through my head. I couldn't shake them out of my head. As I ran, a few gunshots were heard. I hoped to god they don't know where I am. Finally I found a clearing. I should not remain here too long, or they could find me. Flashbacks of that day continued to go through my head, and I shuddered at the thought of it ever happening again. As I ran further into the jungle, the plants grew thicker. Carefully, I pulled out my machete, and threw many swift slashes, to send the plants to the ground. I knew I couldn't keep this up, so I need find a place to rest. I found a very sturdy looking tree, and decided to climb it, and rest for a few minutes. I do not remember what I had done to deserve this, and why they chased me, but I knew I had to stay away from they and not get caught. Slowly, I closed my eyes, and fell into a deep, deep slumber.

END OF PART 1  

[Penciled C o o k i e]

[cookie.]

Very nice, very nice.
But I do have a pointer for you:
-You keep slipping in and out of past tense,
such as "I hoped to god they don't know where I am.
-The sentence should read "I hoped to god that they didn't know where I was.

[cookie.]

 

[Ayersi]

8D
-thumbs up-

 

[iFlashRog]

Penciled it write but, also you should touch it up a bit too one thing people like in a book is its style and texture. Change the font to small lettering and space it up a bit. Like divide it into paragraphs ya know?  

[RoyalRenegade]

Penciled C o o k i e

[cookie.]

Very nice, very nice.
But I do have a pointer for you:
-You keep slipping in and out of past tense,
such as "I hoped to god they don't know where I am.
-The sentence should read "I hoped to god that they didn't know where I was.

[cookie.]

I know, I tend to do that alot.
I'll fix the next part before I submit it.

@iFlashRog: I'll do that for the next part.
I was just to eager to write, as the idea was fresh in my head.

I should probably write it down in a notebook, look over it and edit, then submit it. Part 2 should come tomorrow morning or afternoon
Be sure to read it!  

[Meiazure]

Twinkle twinkle little star,
How I wonder what you are!
Up above the world so high,

Hmmm. biggrin Yes, I see. Cookie's got a point.

However, I think you're onto something... and it could turn out into a great story!

My impression is that your type of story starts in the middle of a plot, and will later explain to the reader what supposedly happened during the beginning with the flashback technique.

Great work! *awaiting your further development*

3nodding

Like a diamond in the sky,
Twinkle twinkle little star,
How I wonder what you are!

 

[RoyalRenegade]

I thank you all for supporting me.
Sorry it's been taking a while.
The reason is because i've no good continuation ideas yet and i've been taking in the sights and smells of summer.
Part 2 shall be in by the end of the week, or sooner.  

[RoyalRenegade]

I've finally finished it!
Please don't point out any errors you see
I am going to send the whole story to him when I'm done writing it, and he'll edit the entire thing.
Then I'll post the revised story as a whole.

The story shall have 5 parts.
Look forward to it!  

[RoyalRenegade]

The dark clouds covered the entire sky, and meteors rained. The world was dying. People would flee as fast as they could, none to prevail. A wave of lava engulfed many buildings and the heat was unbearable. A small group of people and me decided to hide, fearing the death of the world. As I looked out the window, I saw a wave of lava coming towards us, and all I could do was scream.

Heavily breathing, I awoke from that terrible nightmare. My heart was pounding in my chest, and I couldn’t calm down. I jumped from the tree I rested on, and decided to continue running, though for some reason, I had a strange feeling, like someone was watching me. I ignored this feeling, as it probably was my paranoid mind overreacting.

Leaving the tree, I ran to find some cover. Being spotted was not an option. I thought in my mind that he was trying to find me, and hunt me down. I ran quickly, like an animal being hunted, because at this time, I’m the animal, and he's the hunter.


END OF PART 2