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Well I've finally created a topic so I can tell you guys about this and YOU can help me deal with it, or give me advice....something.
So......the first school I ever went to was a religious private school where I got detention every other week, failed everything, and constantly was messed with. Let's just say something happened there for those years up until 4th grade when I left it made me need to go to therapy for many many years....and still need to go now 6 1/2 years after that....Their religiousness combined with their ignorance and intolerance has given me many pains, frustrations, and has done more harm then good. The school and my family are like that....I'm not a religious person, and I don't beleive in any creating force but I can't say for certain there isn't one, so I just put up with them sending me to religious school where I'm constantly insulted by everyone there for various reasons, largley because I don't beleive something we have no proof of other than someone's word who lived thousands of years ago is credible. I think we should be open minded about it and see other possibilites, and I'm constantly told I'm wrong. Then whenever discuss things, anything, they try to insult me with stereotypes and call me stupid with sly and under the radar remarks. If I ever have something to say, they act like it's not heard and refuse to open to other possibilities. Every time I'm sent there for services, I get these flashbacks of what happened to me at the first school I told you about, and I get nervous and a little paranoid. I start twitching around the place and highten my gaurd up to a ridiculous level, but I can't control it at all. I go into a mental mess. When this doesn't happen, I become very....wrathful and sulry in attitude and think of everything constructive I could be doing involing my brain, which everyone there REFUSES to use. Then they're these obsolete rules my family forces me into when I'm in their presence, and it makes me laugh to think that I actually follow them when they're not around. These so-called religious "rules" in reality make my life 50 times more difficult then it already is, and the other rules that are "traditions" for my family or are followed "just because" are old fashioned, obsolete, slow, and ineffective and unessesary. I come up with other ways, often proven to be better, and I get punished for my innovative efforts. When they aren't around, the school and them, everything is much better. If my family ever knew of my true feelings toward them and the school, I'd get disowned in half a hearbeat, and beaten and verbally abused. None of my ideas or thoughts are excepted around them, sometimes my bi-polar mother screams at me and calls me a stupid b***h and making threats as my 60 year old father locks himself in his room reading medical books and my younger sister with the mind of a two year old goes off on another mood swing brought about by her various mental disorders which she has to take daily medication for, whilst my little brother cries and hides in some corner from all the chaos. I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!! I don't want anymore to do with them or their school or religion or have any association with anything even remoltely connected with them! I go through this for the most part calmly, but seething inside and forcing myself towards patience because I only have a few more years of this bullcrap left if I can quickly gain financial independance.
Then my parents have susceeded in making my life miserable and boring by forcing me to take hours of college classes in the summer, winter, autumn, and spring so I have no time for what I really want to do. While I'm taking biology classes for college, I'm also trying to improve on my drawing, photography, programming/design knowledge, and work on various film productions with my friends which I find extremely difficult because I have no time to actually pursue those things. Even worse is that my mother cancelled my guitar lessons, so now I have barely have the time to play, and those are the only things that keep me sane. The only reason I can be on here as much as I am is because I work on the computer a lot, working on screenplays and reports simultaneously as I think of how I must somehow aquire a tripod for my personal use so I don't have to share with my friend for whom I'm busy creating a production logo as she and her partner give me feedback every tuesday.
How do I deal with all of this without becoming the insane sadistic stoner/alchoholic that's stamped into my genetic code?
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