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 Posted: Sat Feb 02, 2008 2:45 pm
Okay, I don't know where to start on this one. This is difficult to even talk about.
So for the past, oh, year or so I ended up pulled into one of those scenarios. You know, dimensions and possessions and drama queens all around that think they're here to save the world.
So I have/had this small group. Two friends, my boyfriend, and myself. Occasionally other people that aren't involved drift in and out of the picture.
One day, I was asked if I believed in supernatural things. Of course I said yes. They asked if I believed in the possibility of the body having a kind of energy- again, yes. They seemed overjoyed, really. Souls being reborn? Sure why not. The astral? Well I experienced it a few times and I'm interested, ok.
This is where I stand before all of this:
I believed in a goddess and a god- I didn't know their names or faces. But they were there somewhere. The 8 times of year on the wheel made sense to me and felt right, but I didn't celebrate anything because I didn't know how or feel like I could do so without doing serious research on why things should be done a certain way or why I would even have a reason to celebrate anything. "It feels right" can only carry you so far.
I "Go into my mind" sometimes. Mostly to think and explore my thoughts when I needed time away from all of the craziness in life. it takes on the form of a maze, with lots of doors and strange things that I don't really understand. But I guess I'm not ready to face them yet?
Every now and then I catch glimpses of color with people, or percieve them to be a certain color. Like someone , I might percieve them to be a very "yellow" person. Someone that would give me a massive headache to be around. It's not one of those every day things, but it's interesting because it tends to be accurate.
When I was about 7 and onwards, I would put energy out to help soothe pain
Later on I applied this to clouds, the wind, fire, and the ocean.
Clouds could be broken up. Wind can be increased or decreased. A flame can go higher and brighter, or lower and burn out. The waves in the ocean closer to the shore became possible to predict and influence.
I'm not really sure of the hows and whys of these things... mostly it was just concentrate on it and put everything you can towards it.
But they probably provided a lot of material for the rest of the group to play with.
Here's my role in this mess: basically I'm one of the four chosen by God to keep the peace on Earth. I was considered pure light, and Earth element.
Four people- four elements, blah blah. Two pure "darkness" One pure "light" and the other pure "chaos." I never really gained an understanding of this, but I don't think they understood it themselves. Regardless, elements and energy became two of the most important things, liek EVAR zomg.
Everyone else-
A self proclaimed vampire, claimed to host an ancient vampire and several other beings.
The source of information #1, claimed to host a dragon
Source of information #2, also claimed to host demons and summon them as well.
Fast forward a little: I'm told that I'm chosen by God to fight for the world when Hell and all it's demons literally break loose and destroy the world as we know it. Most of the present "fights" were taking place by means of "astral battles." According to them, there were a few leaks here and there in Hell and the "other dimensions" which caused the baddies to be able to be in this dimension in astral form.
Usually these "battles" lasted under 20 minutes, which is total crap. It always took me longer than that to come close to being out-of-body. They closed their eyes, and poof!
There was also talk of a "coven" that was out for our lives. Apparently they take astral form and hide in the clouds. How convenient, right? I was used as a lookout, to get rid of any unusual-looking clouds.
It's somewhat repetitive from here on out. Random "battles" and new bits of "information" that keeps the "plot" from being at a complete standstill.
There were random attempts at killing me- I actually did end up physically injured because bad guys "took over" their bodies. Knife wounds and attempts at strangling me in my sleep = not fun.
A little further on: I'm "in my mind." By that I mean I close my eyes, quiet that inner voice, and search. It's basically a maze in there- tunnels, doors. It's very vivid when it happens. I take a path, deeper and further into my mind. I want to note that at the time I was an emotional wreck, which is probably why this incident happened. But I took a dark tunnel that I percieved to be very deep in my "mind" and opened another door. Something was there and it woke up. I jerked out of the the state I was in and felt strange. It felt like something had woken up inside of me. I felt a lot more at peace than I had in months, like there was someone watching over me.
My thought at first was that it was the result of being such a mess for so long. I would "re-arrange" my mind at times to try and push it all back. All the while I was begging for help to get through a very difficult time, unrelated to all of the crazy things I'd been dragged into.
I thought maybe the god or goddess had heard me and was trying to give me a sign.
I went to my boyfriend on that one- big mistake. They gave that something a past, a world, a story, an existence in another "dimension". And oh so conveniently it fit right into ours.
So for a while I was running around with this idea that I had this immensely powerful being that was thousands of years old using my body to save this world. Queen of the universe. Predictably, my boyfriend had the "king" residing in him. They were childhood friends, eventually lovers, and separated by war for thousands of years until they found us. So their story goes.
There's a lot more to the entire story, but this gets the idea across.
I really feel manipulated and used by these people and I'm avoiding them as much as possible My guy is totally understanding about this, because he's had his fair share of doubt. I'm trying to help him let go of all this and see it for what it is- Coincidences, bad acting, crappy wannabe Final Fantasy stories, and the need to feel important.
Everything became so distorted when we were introduced to these things. He was brought into these things the way I was- by these two delusional "friends" of ours.
Basically, I feel lost and I'm looking for advice. My beliefs were so mangled by the time I realized what was going on that I had to put everything aside and start as fresh as possible.
I don't know where to go and this group seems to be the one with the most going on upstairs. I know this is really messy and badly organized, but there has been so much going on in the past year that I don't know how to summarize it coherently.
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Posted: Sat Feb 02, 2008 3:13 pm
I would say avoid this little group as much as possible, cutting off ties as completely as you can. Then, if it's faith you want, begin studying. There are a number of links here about pagan faiths, and there are numerous resources on the 'net on the bigger religions (the Abrahamic faiths, Buddhism, etc.). Look there first, and ground yourself in knowledge of the "real" faiths. Then you can look at fringe groups and organizations, and can make more informed decisions about them. The group you talk about sounds like teenagers grasping at something that makes them special. It sounds fairly unhealthy, and I would avoid it altogether.
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Posted: Sun Feb 03, 2008 7:50 am
Insanehi Kari, I've been in a similar situation. The group was somewhat larger, and I was more on the fringes of the mess than in the middle. Thankfully there was no physical danger to myself. SO I have some idea of what it feels like to be in your position.
One of the driving forces of our group was someone who was very gifted magically, but incredibly unstable mentally (Years on she has had help and looks at the whole thing as madness). and a couple of drama queens who egged everything on. I enjoyed the story and the sense of magic being real. This passed when I realised what was real.
This original group eventually diffused, people grew up and became embarressed about it, treating it as a childish game. I have since met people who started out with similar worldviews and have kept them as they grew up. They tend to be quite disfunctional.
My first piece of advice is to echo Tagra Nar; Avoid them. This is not healthy.
If you are in physical danger from them they are not your friends, and they are not safe to be around - whatever the justification. I might even go so far as to suggest mentioning it to an authority, if you're at school for example, tell a counsellor. If they are making it up and being violent, then they probably need help mentally. If they aren't making it up and are overly suseptible to these things (Which I highly doubt, but you may need to give them justification that fits in with their beliefs if they bug you, or you can just refuse to talk to them.) then medical/psychiactric help can balance them out so it is not possible for them to be taken over.
The short story is, even if they are telling the truth, and it is actually real (not likely) they still need professional help! And you need to be as far away as possible. It is not your job to help them yourself, so don't try, just let someone who can help know that it needs looking at.
If you want to pm me to talk more privately you are welcome to. Please keep in touch whatever though, either in this thread or via pm or something.
I, again, agree with Tagra Nar, finding an already established structure to follow can help you organise your own beliefs. And might lead you to people who can help you out in a more personal way.
Please be careful.
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Posted: Sun Feb 03, 2008 1:20 pm
Sounds like you got yourself mixed in with some attention whores. Avoid like the plague.
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Posted: Sun Feb 03, 2008 6:03 pm
sounds to me like very active role playing. I've had friends like that in the past. I too wasn't in the middle of it but on the outer edge. Allthough we were like 11-13....still kids. Basicly, since they hurt you under the pretence of being "posesed," they need help. It would be very good for you to avoid them and treat what they told you as an extremly fancifull role playing game. As for its effect on your beliefs, it might take some time, but after a wile you'll be able to tell what you really believe and what they wanted you to believe.
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Posted: Sun Feb 03, 2008 6:54 pm
When we use the term Mr. Dark- this is what we are talking about.
Physically harming people is not okay. If it ever happens again- call the cops!
But one better than that- don't let it happen by removing yourself from the situation. This is one example as to why testing spiritual understandings can be so important.
Myself- I say don't feed it.
The other thing you might want to do is look into different styles of understanding deity. A better understanding of how you view deity and solidifying your position on the nature of the universe will help you impliment your bullshit detector.
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Posted: Sat Feb 09, 2008 12:28 pm
Eck, lost connection for a little while here. sweatdrop Sorry.
Aha, that's the term I was looking for! Mr. Dark. I came here because I knew people here were in this type of situation before.
I remember you. I was talking to you when I was still trying to hold on to this. ~__~; Things have calmed down a lot in recent months. Conveniently, once we're separated things aren't violent, nobody's called me with news of a psychic attack or astral battle, or dragons possessing anyone. whee Eheh... Hopefully nobody shows up at my door so it'll stay that way.
Been hanging around here since then, questioning myself and reading as much as possible.
I've been basically removed from the situation for months, having "lost" contact with these people. My boyfriend is actually removed from the situation, having temporarily moved out of state and lacking a cellphone for the rest to contact him with. He's going the same way I was, analyzing it from the outside. I think he'll be fine once he sees it... but I'm worried because religion-wise, I know it's gotta suck thinking you're damned for being what he thinks he is. He was totally content with Christianity, so I don't want him to leave the in the midst of this because a bunch of lamers have him convinced he's a vampire destined to hell.
Another guy very loosely involved says he practices a form of paganism known as "Shadowism." I don't know what it is, but somehow he's involved and he mentions Shadowism every now at then... Google kept pointing me to a nonexistent site.The Black Order of Azazel:
Everything led there, which didn't help. But it was a point of interest since I'm trying to find out who is completely full of it.
This is my problem- what of this was based in reality. What of this did they take and destroy with this fantasy? The talk of energy has some sort of base, I know. Feeling contacted I think has some sort of basis.
But I watch people calling themselves Christians and Pagans throw out what they believe in, mix it together with some role-play, and come out with a big lump of mess.
I'm still holding on to my initial ideas. There's a balance between a god and goddess. I don't consider either to be dark/light or good/evil because I think those are more human created characteristics. The idea of dark and light is something I want to drop completely, considering the group's obsession with it.
Energy, yes it's there and it's not quite as earth-shatteringly powerful as they had me believe, but it's still useful to some extent. Education and practice are my only options right now.
I'm still sure that there's a place the soul goes to rest afterwards. A happy place to reunite with loved ones. I'm not sure about being reborn afterwards yet. Umm...
Eh.. trying to throw things out there. It helps me organize thoughts.
A question I'd like to throw out is whether it's okay to call yourself a learning eclectic kind of person? Minus the Wiccan part that a lot of people I know seem to tag on to "eclectic". I mean- a person looking at as many things as possible, and maybe in the future putting something together in a way that doesn't rape 25 different cultures or religions? I know I'm not ready to dedicate myself to anything, but just reading about something is never enough. I think a way to find out if something is really for you is to try it and see if it works.
It's like going to a bunch of different churches and finding where you fit best, or finding that you don't fit completely anywhere and work with what you have on your own. Or even finding out you're in the totally wrong department and going elsewhere.
That's how I see it at least... stay open to things when you're not sure.
Ack. I have a habit of posting a lot at once. >>; But I'm looking for guidance here as I lack it outside of internet...
Surrounded by a few crazy people, people that prefer not to touch on religions other than their own, people that I'm absolutely NOT asking because I don't trust their information (People with a gazillion sparkly pentacle and "blessed be" images on their myspace page, saying Wicca and necromancy goes back at least 10 generations in their family, while claiming to host several demons and have the ability to open 10 gates of Hell... they tend to get a raised eyebrow from me >.>; )
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Posted: Sat Feb 09, 2008 5:28 pm
insanehikari A question I'd like to throw out is whether it's okay to call yourself a learning eclectic kind of person? Minus the Wiccan part that a lot of people I know seem to tag on to "eclectic". I mean- a person looking at as many things as possible, and maybe in the future putting something together in a way that doesn't rape 25 different cultures or religions? I know I'm not ready to dedicate myself to anything, but just reading about something is never enough. I think a way to find out if something is really for you is to try it and see if it works.
It's like going to a bunch of different churches and finding where you fit best, or finding that you don't fit completely anywhere and work with what you have on your own. Or even finding out you're in the totally wrong department and going elsewhere.
That's how I see it at least... stay open to things when you're not sure.
) If you're still looking around and trying things out, and avoiding culture rape, it's not only okay to say you're eclectic and learning, it's probably best. There's no reason to try and mash yourself into a particular religion's label when you aren't even sure that label fits yet.
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Posted: Sat Feb 09, 2008 7:44 pm
insanehikari Eh.. trying to throw things out there. It helps me organize thoughts. Thought of making a pathways thread? It could provide a central place for you to put your thoughts to paper as it were, and a place for folks to ask questions which could lead you to develop your ideas further. I mean, you seem to have a base idea- but there are a bunch of subtle concepts that could be further defined if the right questions were asked. Quote: A question I'd like to throw out is whether it's okay to call yourself a learning eclectic kind of person? Indeed it is. Ethics need to be applied to making decisions about what is incorporated, but eclecticism unto itself isn't a bad thing. Quote: But I'm looking for guidance here as I lack it outside of internet... Reading quality sources is a good start as well. There are some books online that one can read for free- such as things published on Sacred Texts. You sound like you're tuning your BS detector. Keep up the good work.
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