Orion's Legion :the diary of an imperial guard

[screaming_hawk]

its just the rough draft fo the Prologue but here goes hell:

Prologue



The snow was thickening into a blizzard and buffeted us as we tramped down the rubble strew roads of the destroyed Chaos tainted city. Its not like the city had a real name, if it did, it was cast in the wind, it was only known as The Damned, a city overflowing with a chaotic taint that even the most weak minded civilian could taste in the air. Sacrifices lay in smoldering heaps and stakes grilled in the ground. The scent of blood gave a red haze to the snow around us. I could hear the Crusader’s turret turn as the searchlight scouted ahead of the troop, not that it did much good, only reaching a couple yards ahead.
I glanced over at the man next to me, his frostbitten face and white uniform glowing in the snow. The Crusader stopped and zeroed on a corner of a blown building about 10 yards ahead and the commissar in front of ordered us to stop… we waited for the anticipated rustle of a stray cat or blasphemous heretic skittering around. A deep thrumming that I hadn’t noticed earlier got louder and louder and louder until it seemed that it was just beyond the line of sight of the searchlight. Lucky guess.
The large shape of a horned walker was thickening and thickening into a solid form as it thumped towards us. Oh hell no I thought as I recognized the wretched being that lay in front of us, staring into the heart of a Defiler.
The Crusader fired away with its bolters and the familiar red flashes of our laser rifles glowed in the growing storm. We all ducked for cover as the Defiler’s assault cannon and lascannon blasted away at us. The… what would I call it, a Thing? Ok, the Thing turned for the building that we were hidden behind after demolishing the Land Raider without so much as a scratch on it. My heart started pounding and I ducked just in time as the lifeblood of the men around me splashed over me and a thunderous roar of satisfaction echoed from the heart of the demon. I heard the muffled thud of boots as a horned helmet appeared over my head, staring down over our lifeless bodies.
“FOR THE EMPEROR!!!” I cried as I unpinned three grenades, two flash grenades and a frag from my vest and blindly threw them in the air and made a beeline for the crumbling wall at the back of the building. I heard gunfire a split second before the grenades went off, the satisfying “piff” of the flashes and the boom from the frag. As I throw myself through the opening a gunshot rang out and a pain like being stung by a bee as an infant pulsed through my rib and I crumpled on the ground.
I managed to lurch up and run the way we came, relaying my coordinates and the Chaos force back to the encampment a couple miles from The Damned.  

[screaming_hawk]

just so u know this took me like, 45 minuted to type so i dont want to hear craap like "it sux i hate it" cuz i know it sux and you hate  

[Hoxtalicious]

You could've edited it into something more readable and enjoyable on a later occasion, or just type this into a word document instead of directly into Gaia.

Since when do Guardsmen have access to a Land Raider Crusader?

I like the idea of this being a gritty first person narration, but you could do so much better with some minor tweaks and proper structuring.