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The Nintendo World-Please read!

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GeorgeStow
Crew

PostPosted: Sat May 19, 2007 1:31 pm
I'm coming up with this story-although the first few chapters don't actually have anything to dom with nintendo, don't worry, they will come!(unless i die or something) It looks better in word but hey, there you go.
Quote:
The Nintendo World

Chapter 1

This story is most probably unlike any story you have read before, in that it has…well you’re going to have to read it to find out, I guess. Because I’m not telling you now! Seriously though, carry on reading. It’ll be good…I should hope.
We begin our story at Rartenburg School, Rartenburg, UK. It is just like any other secondary school, nothing special here. Well besides that this place teaches the two hero’s of the story. We’ll find one in Room 18, South Block. It is the last day of the summer term- doesn’t that just make a story so much better, now you know there will be practically no school involved at all! That always is kind of a drag. Anyway, in Room 18 we find Mrs Gravell talking to the class about the summer holidays.
“Now, some people might not be on their summer holidays and may not expect a load of kids playing in the streets or wherever. You should always be careful. Okay?”
“Yes miss” droned an utterly bored class, including one of our hero’s, Pete. In year 8 and can’t wait for the holiday- I mean finally, no school! Let me tell you a bit about Pete- he is a bit over the average height for his age, brown hair, is about 8 stone and his birthday is 26th July- 6 days away from now! Work it out-that makes today the 20th July. Also, he has blue eyes.
If we move down the hall three classrooms, we will find our second hero, John. John is Pete’s younger brother, at 11 years. Again, here is a description, John is almost bang on average height, just a little over, has brown hair is 7stone, 5 pounds, has blue eyes and his birthday is the 10th of August.
They both stare at the clocks in their rooms, counting down to the end of the year. 5, 4, 3, 2, 1…RIIIIING! The bell goes off signalling the time to go. John and Pete are out of there before you could read this sentence. Down the hall, turn right, out the doors, go out of the site and then remember…what’s the point in running? The bus doesn’t come for another 10 minutes! They sit at the bus stop and wait.
They just talked about stuff, as you do; while the 15 minutes passed (you can never expect a bus to be on time, can you?). Eventually the boarded the bus and went home. Because school finished early, they made it home just in time for lunch. Cheese and ham sandwiches. End of term, a great day for all of kid-kind and what do you get for lunch? Plain old cheese and ham sandwiches. Well, what else are you going to have, I guess? They both sat down at the table with their mum, Laura, and just talked and ate for a while. Their mum seemed to be trying to contain something and so eventually, out of the blue, she cried out to them “Guess what? You’re father and I finally saved up enough money and we’re going on a cruise this summer!”
“When?” the boys said back, excitement in their voice and food in their mouths.
“Two days time. Isn’t it exciting?” Laura cried back. So naturally, they carried on talking about it all day and you probably don’t want to read all that so I’ll just skip ahead.
 
PostPosted: Sun May 20, 2007 1:35 am
not bad!
i liked it when you mentioned the bus being late, great attention to detail!
i liked the chatty-ness!
more please!
mATTZ razz  

mattzere


GeorgeStow
Crew

PostPosted: Sun May 20, 2007 2:51 am
Next entry!
Quote:
Chapter 2

Ahhh…the day of the boarding, 7am and the house is in shambles, with everyone running around, doing last minute jobs.
“Hurry up!” shouts their dad, Jack, as he puts his things into the back of their blue Ford Galaxy. “I wasn’t born yesterday!”
“Are you sure that isn’t meant to be ‘I wasn’t born tomorrow!’?” Pete replied.
“I don’t know, I’m not even sure if anyone actually knows what it means any more!”
I probably shouldn’t have included that part above, but hey, it takes up room. Back to the point. Finally they were all ready and in the car, well not quite. The boys had forgotten the Nintendo DS chargers, and Laura was putting on some last minute make-up (god knows why!). Finally at 8:30 they were all in the car and ready to go. They set off, turned on to the M25, and got stuck in traffic. This happens every time, doesn’t it? Anyway, finally, at 11:45 they boarded the ferry to cross the Atlantic.
That night while their parents were talking and smooching because apparently it is so romantic (I wouldn’t know, I’ve never been), Pete and John went exploring the ship…and soon got lost. They opened one door and it looked exactly like the room behind them, big ship, isn’t it? After much searching they somehow found their way to the captain’s cabin. They looked inside and realised that something was very wrong…the captain was asleep on the control panel! The boat started turning the wrong way and went at full speed into, well, just water. Pete was pretty good at reading maps and found a map and looked at it for a short while, after which he stated:
“Don’t worry, there isn’t anything in our way, but we better wake up the captain.”
The two boys pushed and shoved at the captain for ages but he still would not wake up. What seemed like and eternity later, the ship stopped with a THUD. You just know that something’s gone wrong when that happens don’t you? Some people ran into the captains cabin and saw the two boys there.
“Oy, what are you doing here?” one of them asked.
“Erm, well, we got lost and…” Pete stammered.
“I don’t want to hear you’re excuses, it is obvious what has happened here, these two boys were committing mutiny!” the sailor shouted back at them.
“What? No! We got lost, wound up here, found the captain asleep, tried to wake him and then we hit this uncharted island!” John shouted back.
“No, you put him to sle- what? Uncharted island? That can’t be right!”
“Well then where are we?” shouted another sailor.
The first sailor looked worried and puzzled before just crying out, “It doesn’t matter, these two were committing mutiny and should therefore be marooned!”
There was some mumbling between them but before anyone had any time to make their point, the first sailor had grabbed the two boys by their collars and thrown them off the ship (well not literally thrown but you know…).
At this point you may think this to be very mean of them and such but if this didn’t happen there wouldn’t be much of a decent storyline, would there? You may also be wondering about what their parent’s thought about this. That question is neither here nor there and so does not need to be answered. Okay? OK. The boat set off again 10 minutes later, leaving our two hero’s behind. Excited yet? I should hope so. Read on to find out what happens next to our hero’s, John and Pete.
 
PostPosted: Wed May 30, 2007 6:40 am
It's interesting - I like the style where you talk not in the main characters' points of view, but, your own as the creator. It's cute. Your writing just needs to be a little neater and I think it would be better if you just say "mom" and "dad" for some reason.

The names are a little boring so I often forget them. You should maybe spice them up a little. Some pauses in the sentences with Enter would be nice, too, but, besides that, I like it.

Keep going with this, I'll be reading.
I hope to see a third piece soon.  

Primrose Moon
Captain


GeorgeStow
Crew

PostPosted: Fri Jun 01, 2007 4:38 am
I understand, but I'll do all that if I do anotyher story, because I can't change the stuff now, can I?
Quote:

Chapter 3

As they watched the boat leave in the distance they thought about what would become of them. Would they have to try and survive on this island, or would a ship come along and rescue them? They didn’t know. Bit of a problem, isn’t it? As it was getting dark they scoured the island for food. Both Pete and John were scouts and knew what they could eat and what was dangerous. They found two coconuts and tried to open them. They smashed, hammered and whacked until eventually they opened. They drank the coconut water and ate the edible stuff. I could probably look up what it’s called on the internet but I can’t be bothered.
After beating they got together and drew up a plan. It probably wouldn’t work in the long run but it would do for the meanwhile. They decided the first thing to do right now was to build a shelter, then get fire and then they would go to sleep. In the morning they were to gather food and build a new shelter for the food. After having breakfast they were going to use rocks to create words in the sand at the edges of the island, saying things like ‘Help!’ ‘SOS’ and other junk.
As I said, they were supposed to do all that, but didn’t. Well, they did some, but not the rest. Read on to see what I mean. That night they built a shelter and managed to create fire using some matches John had.
When questioned as to why he had them, he replied “I dunno, they were bound to come in handy sometime” and left it at that. They settled down to sleep, with the fire burning bright. If there was one thing they knew it was that they had to keep the fire burning. If it stopped they would be cold and in the dark. Even during day they had to keep it alight, otherwise they would be cold at night. Even so, they were asleep…
The next day they woke up steadily and got more wood for the fire. Pete went off to find food and John set about finding wood for the extra shelter. It took them an hour to find just a few pieces of fruit and about enough wood to make half a shelter. They decided to go together to the other end of the island to search for food and wood. Hey, I just realised, all this time I’ve been typing food and wood and didn’t notice they had the same endings! Am I stupid or what? As they ventured further and further they heard a kind of weird, alien noise. They went closer and closer until they eventually found, a large swirling disc. It had every colour in it you could imagine, and more! The disc was about the size of the two boys to step through side by side.
Being the boy that they were they stepped right in. And what they found there! It looked like something out of Zelda. The grass was almost all the same colour and the trees looked like the leaves and everything was stuck together. But then it had elements of practically every Nintendo game you could imagine, there were patches of long grass with Pokemon in them, large pipe sticking out of the ground from which occasionally a large plant would appear. A castle which looked like it could be from Fire Emblem and large platforms from Kirby. Anything and everything Nintendo. That’s enough to make anyone feel faint. The atmosphere was very different to the one of the island, but let’s not waste our time on that, as the island shouldn’t be mentioned again until quite near the end. This story has barely started
 
PostPosted: Tue Aug 14, 2007 10:30 am
Cool! Survival time!! 3nodding

When is the next chapter coming? ^_^  

Snow the Wanderer


nurrgle

PostPosted: Tue May 06, 2008 7:40 am
Nice! If this were a book, I'd buy it! mrgreen  
PostPosted: Sun Aug 10, 2008 7:24 am
you have been gifted with writing! 3nodding  

Fairy Alchemist 96


Zapatorf
Crew

PostPosted: Wed Nov 19, 2008 10:11 pm
Not bad, not bad at all. I hang out with some serious writers, so I would know. I like your style of writing, but for some reason it seems a bit... raw. It needs to be edited, mostly for punctuation. It makes a good start for a story though. I'm looking forward to hearing more.
And don't be offended. Like I said, I hang out with people who write *constantly* so they've rubbed off on me. XD  
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