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Posted: Wed Dec 13, 2006 8:13 pm
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I've been in a serious relationship with my boyfriend for some time and ive come to the relization that he is indeed, anti counter culter. Hes replused by tattoos, percings, black clothes and dyed hair.
Yet somehow still manages to be attracted to me. Throughout the relationship we've maded compermises, such as henna tattoos instead of real ones, modest body pearcings and clever dye jobs that could be considered natural.
Yet i feel as though hes trying to change me, His snided remarks about my friends clothings, my collection of photos and tastes in music are starting to weight heavly on my heart.
He is several years older, and regards this as a phase. When I am old enough to know that it is not.
My heart weighs ill with the thought of leaving him, yet at the same time I cant bear lying to myself. Theses compermises i settle for satisfy him more then me, and i feel as if my integrity is being tainted.
does this quailfy as an abusive relationship?
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Posted: Wed Dec 13, 2006 11:55 pm
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-Resurrected Writer- Crew
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Posted: Thu Dec 14, 2006 3:11 pm
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Posted: Thu Dec 14, 2006 3:59 pm
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Posted: Thu Dec 14, 2006 4:06 pm
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Nyed I've been in a serious relationship with my boyfriend for some time and ive come to the relization that he is indeed, anti counter culter. Hes replused by tattoos, percings, black clothes and dyed hair.
Yet somehow still manages to be attracted to me. Throughout the relationship we've maded compermises, such as henna tattoos instead of real ones, modest body pearcings and clever dye jobs that could be considered natural.
Yet i feel as though hes trying to change me, His snided remarks about my friends clothings, my collection of photos and tastes in music are starting to weight heavly on my heart.
He is several years older, and regards this as a phase. When I am old enough to know that it is not.
My heart weighs ill with the thought of leaving him, yet at the same time I cant bear lying to myself. Theses compermises i settle for satisfy him more then me, and i feel as if my integrity is being tainted.
does this quailfy as an abusive relationship? That is a hard one......
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Posted: Thu Dec 14, 2006 8:38 pm
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Posted: Fri Dec 15, 2006 1:38 pm
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Posted: Fri Dec 15, 2006 4:54 pm
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lurichan There are really two courses of action you can take. You can tell him "this is who I am, and if you don't like it too bad", or you can let him slowly change you and let the spark that makes you happy slowly fade away until you no longer feel like you know yourself any longer. It partially depends on do you really truely love him enough to be willing to give up some of your self for him? Are you willing to change what makes you who you are in order to placiate his sensabilities? Do you truely feel happy when you are around him, or does it feel more like you are being controled?
Though I think you had some very good advice in your post, I'd just like to point out that you're assuming that it's the tattooes, piercings, clothing and music that make a person who they are. I agree with you that such things are a reflection thereof and can be a lot of fun (hell, I have my hair dyed with red streaks because it's a good expression of myself), but I don't think that an appearance/material possessions make a person - not at all. You should be fully capable of being you with or without your things. That's buying into the idea of a material soul, and... ::shrug:: I don't know. It just seems so fake to me. Again, I know that appearance is an expression of self (and a good one), but it shouldn't be the one you rely upon. : )
Just a little schemantic thing and, I suppose, not very important to the current discussion, but something I find to be important nonetheless.
Quote: hes on the same level as me intellegntly, we both shair the same career paths, have the same sense of humor and generally i find him physcally attractive.
Is that the only reason you're with him? Because if so, no where on there do I see "personality", and that's a bit of a problem. Even if he is smart and funny and headed in the same direction as you, that's not enough to build a relationship out of. You need to like him for *who he is* and he, likewise, should like you for who YOU are. If he doesn't, there's an intrinsic problem in the relationship.
Keep in mind that a lasting relationship is all about compromise. You can't act as though you're the only one your life effects when you're seriously dating someone, because the decisions you make start to matter to other people as well. No relationship lasts without compromise. That said, though, you two should be basically close enough that there isn't a need to compromise on every little thing.
I would say, given what you've told me, that you should talk to him, tell him exactly what you're telling us and tell him that you can't compromise on every little thing anymore - at least not to this extent. Try to get him to bend a little bit towards you. Maybe get a small tattoo on your ankle to start with. Hell, even ask him to help you pick the pattern so that you'll both enjoy it. He might even like it, in the end.
You shouldn't be the only one changing, here. He ought to be making some concessions for you as well. It's all part of the give and take that a relationship needs.
I know that that was a pretty badly ordered post, but I'll hope that you can get something out of it. : ) Good luck with your boy!
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Posted: Fri Dec 15, 2006 5:38 pm
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Posted: Fri Dec 15, 2006 5:40 pm
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Posted: Fri Dec 15, 2006 8:12 pm
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Nyed I've been in a serious relationship with my boyfriend for some time and ive come to the relization that he is indeed, anti counter culter. Hes replused by tattoos, percings, black clothes and dyed hair.
Yet somehow still manages to be attracted to me. Throughout the relationship we've maded compermises, such as henna tattoos instead of real ones, modest body pearcings and clever dye jobs that could be considered natural.
Yet i feel as though hes trying to change me, His snided remarks about my friends clothings, my collection of photos and tastes in music are starting to weight heavly on my heart.
He is several years older, and regards this as a phase. When I am old enough to know that it is not.
My heart weighs ill with the thought of leaving him, yet at the same time I cant bear lying to myself. Theses compermises i settle for satisfy him more then me, and i feel as if my integrity is being tainted.
does this quailfy as an abusive relationship?
I don't think it qualifies as abusive, you two just don't sound very compatible. Have you actually told him that this is who you are, and it's not changing?
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Posted: Fri Dec 15, 2006 9:20 pm
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Posted: Fri Dec 15, 2006 10:45 pm
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Posted: Sat Dec 16, 2006 8:37 am
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Posted: Sat Dec 16, 2006 12:11 pm
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If you're not happy, you need to tell him that. Tell him that you want this to work, but he has to accept youfor who you are. He needs to stop criticizing you, stop trying to change you, and if he has a problem with who you are, that's not your problem. If he leaves, good riddance to him. If he doesn't stop, you really should leave him for some who accepts you and loves you for who you are!
I was in a situation like this once, where my (now ex) boyfriend couldn't accept who I was and was getting a little abusive, just like yours is. I couldn't take it anymore, and when he was away I wrote a blog entry on how no one owns me, no one can tell me what to do, and if someone doesn't like it, they're free to leave. He left, and basically dumped me in a comment on the blog entry, so needless to say I was not upset that he left.
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