[Po] Poem

[iRTsuki]

the theme speaks for itself i feel it is not limited to just christianity, but regardless id like to know what you think you can either post here (prefered) or on my deviant page.

The Wings Which Grew

The Wings Which Grew

a free bird can only fly if it has wings....today those wing grew
not only did they grow but they emerged out of my back from which they were hidden.
the pain so great and unbearable that i cry from it all
yet when they burst from my flesh the blood splatters all over
leaving stains behind
Once i have rested
and my wounds have healed
i then can clean myself off and let my wings dry...
As they become soft i reach them out past my fingers
and adore their color
so beautiful
so wonderful i cannot begin to describe it
i then push my muscles in my back and move each feather
to create a cold wind
calm and refreshing
it begins to push me off the ground
i then fight for each lift
i then fight for myself
i begin to pull at the chain which holds me down at my feet
and i pull
each pull the chain begins to weaken
and i pull
untill it breaks
once broken... i fly free
crying again not at pain
but for the freedom which i have brought upon me
i .. am free  

[Fushigi na Butterfly]

For some reason the link doesn't work for me. Not sure if it's just the school's computer of if the link is broken. If it's not too long, do you think you would be able to just post it in the thread?  

[iRTsuki]

not a problem look up ^_^  

[Fushigi na Butterfly]

I like it alot! Similar to a poem I've written, which I might post. May I offer some constructive criticism??

I would eliminate the second line completely, because it seems a bit redundant, and change "yet" to "and" or just get rid of it altogether. Either way works I think.

There is something about "push" and "muscles" that doesn't quite fit with the rest of the poem. I'm not sure I can think of any alternatives, but I had a hard time fitting it together with the image I was forming in my head.

Other than that I think the poem is great and you did a wonderful job. 3nodding  

[RoXyRoSiE]

yes i agree with Fushigi. i dont like the second line at all, but the rest of the poem is fantastic! biggrin keep up the good work, coz this is awesome exclaim  

[Dagger_17]

Its very beautiful