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 Posted: Thu Nov 30, 2017 9:29 pm
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Posted: Fri Dec 01, 2017 1:44 am
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Seeing Bee was both a kindness and a cruelty. The immense visceral relief at seeing Bee, at hearing that familiar hum of wings and cheery concerned clicks, made him realize he may be far more stressed than he realized anymore. It was like the mounting pressure had it a plateau, or well, more like Nictor himself had a plateau but the problems were managed to build higher and higher where he could not reach them. And while the sight of Bee brought a comfort he had desperately craved and missed, but hadn’t thought about, it also gave room for the pressure to try and take the space that was alleviated by the dispersal of current concerns. Not enough to break free, somehow still distant, somehow his brain maybe understood that he can’t, he just cannot deal with this right now, but his beloved lusus being there brought tears to his eyes.
It was just a short delivery, Bee couldn’t stay for too long without possible trouble, but the worry warmed Nictor’s chest in a pleasant way and pulled a rare breathy laugh. He was just, so happy to see Beehemoth.But when he went to embrace his lusus he felt his mind warp for a second, some unspoken, unknown something made him hesitate. He had this distinct feeling of don’t, you don’t get to, don’t deserve it-
The thought was cut off before it could finish when Beehemoth, wonderful Bee, dragging Nictor in for a fluffy embracing hug and he laughed a little more, tears leaking down his cheeks unbidden, feeling the the soothing hums and clicks Bee made vibrating through him. He clung tightly, heedless of the stings and aches from tightly bound injuries, this was worth every second of it.
Nictor wanted to stay right there but he knew, he knew any longer could lead to something. He wasn’t sure what that something was but he felt it was probably not good to happen here. So reluctantly he pried himself off Bee and they hummed and chatted and Nictor tried to assuage Beehemoth’s worries without revealing too much and without lying but eventually it had to end.
Nictor swayed a little in place, clutching the crate of goodies Beehemoth had delivered while watching said lusus fly away. Nictor watched and watched until he was gone, and stood there a little longer after, a tremulous hope that was refusing to back down saying he’d some back. Bee would turn around and come back and take him back home and Nictor could curl with a blanket and a fluffy lusus and be safe and comfortable. He kept watching even though he knew it wouldn't happen and watched some more until sinking emptiness opened up in his stomach and the shaking hope had turned into an insistent desperate plea which he then had to put away somewhere very deep.
He’d have to make to with that brief respite to tide him over until he could go home.
Even then he stood there, holding the crate to his chest and stare into the distant sky. He kind of wanted to keep crying but it was like the emotion had been balmed over, covered up so he still knew it was there but couldn’t see it, much like a lot of his thought were tending to be. It seemed to be the state his mind had settled into and it, well, it was keeping him from thinking too deeply on the ships, but how long would that last?
Hugging the crate tighter and tighter, the achy stab of pain from arm injuries woke him from his daze long enough to start shuffling back to his bunk. Though something to drink would be nice perhaps? He change route a little to go to the cafeteria, being sure to keep especially aware of where he was walking and how. He had precious cargo.
Wait he hadn’t even looked at it yet.
Nictor nearly stopped in the middle of walking into the mess hall, but jolted when another troll brushed past him and shuffled off to the side to inspect his loot. It was a crate he used around the hive to carry jars and books in usually, but this time it was packed with goodies. Some assorted jars of honey and bee bread, a couple boxes of crackers, a can of nuts, and a beautiful wildflower. How long had it taken Bee to carefully retrieve the leftover Bloodfest stock and place it in? How long had it taken to carefully, carefully, maneuver to get the dried goods from the kitchen? And the flower. He felt like he might choke up again for a second, but the notion was quickly hushed to a whisper, the same way other too loud thoughts were right now. The little warm bubble came back looking at the care package. It was incredibly touching and special to have this right now. He felt like he’d desperately needed this pick me up.
The thought of this most recent kindness reminded Nictor of the last, not too long past. The redblood, Tevini, who he’d just been on a team with, had been kind to him. Pangs of raw fear echoed down his nerves remembering the situation, the reason he hadn’t truly been able to stop and let it sink in but the gesture had been deeply touching, at least for Nictor.
In the midst of panic and fighting, a cacophony of too much and everything being bad, Tevini had taken a moment to help him. She gave him back the only thing that he had to defend himself with on those ships and she tried to make him feel better. Soft and supportive words, an assurance to be there and help him in that nightmare. It had. It had really meant a lot to him. Nictor hugged the box close, feeling a sensation of guilt and a desire to do something. But what?
Nictor looked up across the hall, blinking big eyes, trying to focus on what he saw and sensed and not just the ever at war and ever overbearing emotions and thoughts he bore. The internal conflict of gentle tentative hopeful gratitude warring with shameful guilt and energy to try, try, try something, was put on standby for a second because his eyes had caught something interesting.
There over at a table, with not too many trolls between him and her was Tevini, seated seemingly on her own and he was shyly approaching before he could think any different. He approached from the other end of the table, wondering waht she was doing on her own. Nictor usually ate on his own, but that’s because he wasn’t exactly considered good company by many and trolls made him nervous. Would it be the same for her? He sorta doubted it, he never expected trolls to react as severly as he did, but then how would she react? Was this a terrible idea?
Of course it was, what was he even doing here?
His brain drew up a big blank at that. He just, he wanted so badly to thank her, but now that he was here, the idea seemed woefully inadequate. So he just stood there, looking like he wanted to say something, hugging his crate. Awkwardly.
The pain kept him grounded, sort of. Kept him here and now and not floating away.
“I-uh, ah, h-hey,” He managed a little weakly. That was really not what he wanted to say but apparently that’s what he got oh man. He could feel the exhausted anxiety that dogged him perk up tiredly at the notion of social interaction, but the same fervor to the worry was increasingly hard to muster and he was left feeling strangely blank.
[quote="Doutei]
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Posted: Sun Dec 03, 2017 12:47 am
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Tevini ate her sandwich quietly, mostly observing the mess hall around her. She was alone, still unsure of where her friends and partner had disappeared to. It was a little scary to be in the midst of the military like this and not be able to keep track of the other rebels. She knew she should be able to handle this much at at least, so she would. But she didn't like it.
Footsteps came and went as they do in crowds like this, so she didn't pay them much mind. The redblood became aware of a presence, however, at the other end of the table. Glancing up as the shadow fell on her and waited. It was... that yellowblood from earlier. She placed her food back on the plate and waited for him to speak for a moment, not wanting to interrupt him. He looked like he had something he wanted to say.
"Hey." She replied as he stuttered out a greeting. She recognized the anxious look in his eyes, she had felt that many times as well. Tevini didn't think she'd ever be completely comfortable with social expectations but hoped that she was improving ever since Cerpin had entered her life. She figured that wasn't all Nictor wanted to say but that he needed a moment to feel comfortable before speaking for real. So she nodded to the spot at the table in front of her.
"Looking for a seat? You're welcome to join me." She offered, attempting a small friendly smile. It didn't come naturally to her but was sincere.
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Posted: Mon Dec 04, 2017 4:24 pm
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The starting spiral of concerns was derailed when Tevini spoke up.
Oh.
He hadn’t expected the offer to join her. To be fair, he hadn’t expected anything but a long awkward silence and feeling silly and awkward and worried. Instead he was feeling silly and awkward and strangely free of worry for a second.
She was being nice still. She didn’t have too on the ship and she didn’t have to now either but she was.
Nictor returned his own small and shaky smile but it was heartfelt. The warm bubble in his chest squeezed, but in a good way, not how the emptiness or overwhelming clamor pressed in.
“I uh, ahm, th---anks,” Nictor said, a little soft and a little too genuine maybe. It was such a small thing, but it, it meant a lot to him. Maybe it really didn’t mean anything but right now, it was something he sort of needed. He was left feeling a little raw, a little like he could break, but it made him feel better, pulled him out of that deep darkness creeping in his head.
He waffled for a second, squeezing the crate a bit tighter before setting it down on the bench and managing to sit down without banging himself on anything.
A Christmas miracle.
Right. Now what. He wasn’t really planning on sitting down to join her, he hadn’t had a plan at all, but here he was. Sitting with a troll that made his bo staff float back into his hands as he stared at the sandwich in her hands because he felt weird staring at her face while he tried to come up with some sort of explanation. Well, okay, he would try at least, and dragged his eyes up to meet her own. Oh man.
“I, uhm, I-I w---anted t-to, uh, “ He started, but stopped, swallowing hard and eyes skittering away from her face at the second thoughts. He felt bad that he had nothing else to offer but, but that didn’t mean he shouldn’t still say thank you. One of his hands idly picked at one of the jar lids in the crate next to him. His voice grew a little softer, a little shier, as he looked back. “I w-wanted t---o th-thank you. F-for, uh, for o-on the sh---ip. I, uhm, I…”
He trailed off, drawing a blank. He wanted to say more, he really really did, but was else was there? His fingers fidgeted more and he glanced down with a grimace until he flinched suddenly, having pulled his nail back a little too much in messing with the honey jar.
...oh.
“D-do you l--ike h-honey?”
Well. That question was out before he could really think about it. Alright then.
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