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First, before I get into this, the contents of this post may be triggering to some readers. Read at your own risk!
I'm a little nervous to post this, but here goes. So this is about my emotionally and sexually abusive ex, and I'm really just getting this nightmare off my chest. Hopefully talking about it with strangers will give me some perspective or reassurance that I did the right thing. That said, let's get into some story-rant!
I met this guy back when I was 14 and a high school freshman. For reference, I'm 22 now. We didn't have any classes together, but we liked a lot of similar things and hung out with a lot of the same people. We weren't especially close for a long time, partly because he was a couple of years older than me so our schedules were different.
That changed after I graduated. Lots of friends went their separate ways, and this guy and I started talking more, mostly online and sometimes texting. He sometimes flirted with me, but I was shy and always awkwardly laughed it off, thinking he wasn't serious. Until he asked me out.
To be fair, I politely turned him down the first time. He'd never done anything bad, but I just wasn't interested in him that way. I told him this and said I was glad to stay friends but didn't want a relationship, and he said he was okay with that. Except he wasn't--he spent the next year trying to win me over, to convince me he was boyfriend material.
In retrospect, that should have been a major red flag. But I was too polite, too trusting to tell him to knock it off. After that year, when I was 19, I finally gave in and started dating him.
And then he changed.
It was gradual, at first. Sometimes I forgot to reply to a text or to call back if he called while I was busy, and he got upset. That much is understandable. But at some point he got it into his head that I was "his", that I was less of a person and more of a prize to be won. I was expected to give him updates for everything--where I was, who I was with, what I was doing. He tried to stop me from hanging out alone with any of my male friends. And even if he knew exactly where I was, with who, and what we were up to, he demanded updates every 10-20 minutes. And he shouted at me and launched wild accusations at me if I didn't, until I apologized. The same went for my eating, sleeping, and shower habits. If I didn't tell him when I was going to bed or taking a shower, I got yelled at. And if I mentioned I was getting food, he demanded to know what I was eating and how much. It was all control, and many times I was afraid he'd get physically violent with me. He also borrowed some games from me and refused to give them back, even over a year after he was finished with them.
He also touched me inappropriately when I asked him not to or told him I didn't want him to. He kept doing it, and I shut my mouth because I feared his anger. He was bigger and stronger than me, and could really hurt me if I upset him. To be fair, he did try to control his anger after I confessed that I was afraid of him. But that didn't stop the touching, even after I said no. The touching escalated into him forcing me to send him photos whenever we were apart. Photos of my body. If I protested or outright refused, he either accused me of not loving him, cheating, or begged for "just one" until he got what he wanted. And he tried to dictate what I wore. If I went out in public while wearing anything that might get even a glance of attention from a man, he told me to change. When I went clothes shopping, I had to run all of my possible purchases by him, and asked if he liked certain looks or styles. And if I wore anything even slightly revealing around him, that was all he could talk about. That, and my facial expressions when I was working. He would video chat me while I was in the middle of my work at university so he could watch me... And make comments about my face or my cleavage while I was trying to get important work done. And that wasn't just for work. There would be times I had time to myself and I'd play games... Only for the dreaded video request to come so he could ogle me while I was trying to have fun. And then he'd demand I pause my game and show my body for him on camera. And if I refused or ended the call, more yelling and accusations.
He also openly confessed to... stuff with other women, and expected me to forgive and forget.
And that's to say nothing of his rampant homophobia, transphobia, sexism, and his undying need to jam his religion down others' throats.
I finally ended it back in May, cut absolutely all contact, and I've just been sitting on this story for the past couple of months. I can't believe I let myself be treated that way for three years. I actually thought I'd end up marrying him... Because I was too afraid to leave him. I've been ashamed to tell anyone. He used my trust, and later my fear, to get what he wanted from me. I never meant anything to him except as a plaything.
So, ladies, that's my story. And, perhaps, a cautionary tale about emotional and sexual abuse. It's a subtle form of control, but sick. If you or someone you know may be struggling with emotional or sexual abuse, get help. Getting help is scary, but what's scarier is being trapped in a toxic relationship.
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