Been off and on from the site since dealing with my own inner demons. I'm really sorry I didn't see this sooner. I don't have the same or similar problems that you're going through so I don't know what to say or if I can or should....but I'm going to try to say...something.
You seem like a really cool person like quite a few in this guild. I've heard that those that are suicidal and 'are' successful in ending their lives have no control over it or it happens suddenly and so a wrong choice is made in desperation. ..really scary stuff. I don't want you to get to this point...you can stand against it and rise above. Mental disorders of all kinds ******** suck. I think we touched on that briefly during the guild movie night as well. heart
My own thoughts of offing myself happened a few times but I thankfully was unable to get too far into making it happen. I do still have the rare "high times" of incredible inner misery that ends up making my mind go blank for undetermined amounts of time and don't know what I'm doing at those points only to find myself completely confused and don't know where I am ( I wander out somewhere and have walked into traffic a few times when I was little when it happened ).
My little sisters were unfortunate enough to see one of their uncles hang himself in the barn when they were very young. ...a memory they still have now and then from what I was told. ...to just walk in and see someone hanging there. The family said it looked like he struggled to get out of it soon as he jumped, realizing he shouldn't have done so ( he swore up and down that he would kill himself if he kept choosing drugs over his children...so this is where it took him. He didn't want to put them through that misery...but ended up making them even more miserable because he was no longer with them and therefore unable to keep fighting his addictions ).
At times I've been very low, I thought about my sisters and what they would think..and why I must live to make sure they know they have more choices in life to fight their demons and they have been through a lot as I have.
I've never done drugs and only got drunk once in my life ( so swore off alcohol all together until I can trust myself again...which means getting better at controlling my problems ). My biological dad was an alcoholic for a lot of years and ended up swearing off it after a time when he drove into a ditch. But in doing so, his own inner demons came out to hurt him ( bi-polar schizophrenic ). He was drinking to get away from them and hated his medicines because they made him sleep all the time. ...we found out that that's the only way to take care of someone that is schizophrenic because there is no cure or better way to help them. ..so making them sleep so they can't cause harm to anyone or anything around them is...sadly the only thing to do. So I don't blame him for hating it....and why he refused to take his medicines most of the time.
....but this is all I can really share in showing some extremes in my life. I've never had a child taken from me because I don't have any. I've had to rely on having pets to keep myself going each day because they depend on me to care for them. So it keeps me going and so I've been slowly improving because of them.
Sometimes we just don't have enough strength and trust in ourselves to want to keep going, so we have to find something or someone to stay alive for, to want to fight for. My main strength is seeing myself being able to tell my friends and family that we 'can' fight these problems and we 'can' win. A lot of my family on my dad's side is very depressed and a lot of them have given up and just stay depressed all the time. I can't do this. I don't want to and I want to be able to show my sisters that it is possible though will still be hard to live for....but possible to stay alive and help ourselves. We don't have to let these mental issues rule us.
This is what keeps me going.
Many hugs to you and really sorry you're going through so much s**t. I wish I could say more but I'm rooting for you and your daughter.
