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 Posted: Wed Apr 30, 2014 5:03 pm
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Name: Upryam Supers (Upryamyy- Russian: Bullheaded; Superstes- Latin: survivor)
Blood colour: ███ Yellow: #AAAD4C
Gender: Male
Symbol:
Personality: Upryam is somewhat of a loner by nature, yet he craves the (indirect) company of other trolls. Some would call it spying on others, but to him, it's just a way to fill that need.. When confronted Upryam would say that it's because he tries to emulate the others mannerisms and makes it his duty to mock them in the privacy of his own hive. His super secret that even Wingmom doesn't know, is that he wishes to join the ranks of torturers or laughsassins when he grows up. He's a bit squeamish when it comes to blood (mainly his own), but if he works hard at it, he feels like he could overcome that obstacle.
When he's not making a giant fool of himself where only his Wingmom can see, Upryam is tending to his garden in the giant glass greenhive that sits on top if his hive. Pleasant signs have been painstakingly added that request visitors not try to enter his hive through the greenhive, mostly because of the voracious plant matter that dwell in it. Wingmom only eats meat eating plants or plants that have giant thorns on it. Or the occasional lost Troll.
Upryam sees his greenhive as a sort of workout slash game room, the end game is that all the plants have been cared for and enough fodder collected to satisfy Wingmom for another day. If you couldn't tell Upryam is also into Live Action Roleplay of the more moderate variety. One where permanent disfigurement has only a slight chance at happening rather than almost guaranteed. That said his character is named Shadowed Tamril and clawed gloves are his most well known weapon. He would use the other serrated weapons, like daggers, but he feels like that would be cheating. It's not fun to assassinate someone if you aren't up close and personal.
When he's not FLARPing or tending to Wingmom and his garden, Upryam can be found flitting from shadow to shadow in the places where trolls mostly hang out. That is, in places where he doesn't have to travel vast distances to peek at them. Wingmom gets antsy whenever she realizes that he's even thinking about lefting the desert without her.
Usually he'll sit and watch as others interact before tentatively joining in, or attempting to. He usually suffers from 'Foot In Mouth' disease with his blunt honesty and uncaring attitude towards the hemospectrum. Who cares what sort of sludge is in your veins, everyone bleeds when cut and dies when decapitated. The only real difference is those who'd live longer (and thus have the longer memories and grudges to hold onto) or those who have powers. It's the ones with the powers that make him jittery. Who knows what sort of majjiks they'd do to an honest troll.
But even then, they aren't safe from his loving attempts to make them all bleed. It's only his way of saying hello after all.
Strengths:
* Stamina and Flexibility: Run for miles without getting winded? Caress his horns with his toes? He can do that. It comes from being able to duck and dodge fifty different types of plants that all have sorts of defense mechanism that would a cocky troll incapacitated.
* Stealthy: Upryam likes to think he's stealthy. The kid has to sneak by a Lusus that has two heads, one of which never sleeps, as well as to not set off some of the thorn throwing creeper vines that likes to decorate the outside doors to his Hive. He doesn't know that she indulges this fantasy of his and always appears right outside, waiting for him, right when he thinks he's victorious.
*
*
Flaws:
* Stalker: There's nothing more off putting then seeing the fly on the wall. Or in this case, the troll observing you with those ridiculous goggles. Many of the reasons why Upryam is reduced to a bloody mess is because he was caught feeding his need to troll watch.
* Unsympathetic: He just doesn't care about the problems of others. While he will listen to someone going off on a tangent, he won't offer much advice to them, if he offers any at all. Their issues are their own and they need to figure it out themselves.
*
*
Weapon: Serrated claw gloves. Retractable of course.
Appearance: Upryam is a Troll that doesn't really care about fashion, as one could notice by how simple his clothing is. Gray pants and shirt with his symbol in black right in the middle of the tee shirt. A black long sleeved shirt sits under the tee and boring old work boots completes his ensemble. He likes to wear his hair in a messy braid, just to keep the long locks out of his face. Wingmom gets mad at him if he cuts it, because she likes to 'groom' him when he's been good. Which is...all the time in her opinion. Except when he came home with the gold rings in his ears. She wouldn't talk to him for a week after that.
Home: Desert
Lusus:
Wingmom. Part desert cat, scorpion, tailbeast, and bat. 100% Omnivore with an affection for all things poisonous or prickly.
Growing up with Wingmom was interesting, because at first she took care of him. She taught him how to hunt and in effect forced upon him most of the immunities he now has. Most of the things Wingmom consumed was poisonous or held properties that a young still growing troll shouldn't have in vast quantities. It was rather much like the stories he'd heard, of trolls eating the slime from their recuprecons. He wondered if he was ever that foolish, and probably was. Sometimes he has to take a book to Wingmom to stop her from dunking her head in there and eating it too.
Wingmom's Tailmouth regurgitates a special sort of liquid that is sweet of scent and tastes similar to honey. A small amount of it is enough to give Upryam an energy boost that amounts to a sugar high, complete with fatal nap inducing crash. He saves only a little of this, and uses the rest to fertilize the plants in the Glasshive because this liquid is, technically, Wingmom's excrement.
But other than her hidden agenda of being a dumb wingbeast, Wingmom is very adventurous and the more dangerous something is, the happier she gets. She enjoys prowling around their hive and exploring the dunes and caves that dot the desert, and in effect, dragging Upryam along with her. Upryam learned a lot from her, mostly in the form of 'DO NOT DO if Wingmom likes this'.
Power: None
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Posted: Sat May 03, 2014 10:46 am
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Posted: Sat May 03, 2014 12:13 pm
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Hello Lirende! Great to see a new face around, and Upryam’s looking interesting! Time for a Sypon crit.
((Nitpicky thing here:
“Trolls” -> trolls (undercase); think of it like the word “human”.)))
Personality:
Overall, I’m not getting a full sense of Upryam from what you have written currently. I am only able to infer who he is from his spying, and I am currently a confused as to his motivations behind why he loves observing others from a distance (not to mention mocking them) so much.
Let’s take this apart a little bit:
“he craves the ability to observe” – when worded this way, it seems that Upryam is not actually able to observe trolls, which seems odd. I went ahead and assumed you meant that he has an obsession that is contrary to his personality, but if this isn’t the case could you describe when Upryam does not have the ability to observe others?
As far as his reasoning for his spying goes, it seems a little circular. You ask “why do you spy on
people?” and answer it with “it’s a need to spy on people”. What about trolls interacting really hooks him on spying, and why does he choose to try to mock their voices? Is it the tones of their voice that he tries to emulate, or what’s going on in their conversations? A visual thing, auditory, both? Does he crave a need to understand trolls more, or just find them hilarious enough to mock, or something else? There’s a lot of possibilities and motives as to why someone could be interested in observation. Right now I’m not sold that if he were asked he would say that it’s “his duty to mock them”. If Upryam is alone in his hive when he mocks others, it seems as though he’s just doing it for his own entertainment, whereas a duty refers to a moral or legal obligation.
I really like the concept for his hive, and would play/hate that level in a video game smile
Note that while Upryam is a loner, he’ll need to interact with trolls outside of his hive. So, while you’ve written a lot on how he acts in the comfort of his own hive, where only his lusus can see, you should consider how he interacts with other trolls. Additionally, what does he think about the hemospectrum, and how does it apply to him in his daily life?
His hobbies look good!
Strengths/Flaws:
Alchemist. I’m always iffy about “profession” strengths in quests, particular for the child stage. In addition, consider how this would affect him on a daily basis– if it’s not a readily recognizable trait regularly, then you may consider replacing it or expanding on how his interest in herbs and concoctions helps his other traits.
Stalker: I’d call this more of a “creepy” trait (stalking isn’t inherently a flaw), but again I’m not super clear on how Upryam acts when he’s stalking others. Also, how does Upryam escape from these situations? If he gets caught does he try to talk out of it, fight, run?
Monotone: This isn’t a convincing flaw just yet. Having a poker face can be a HUGE advantage, and right now it’s written very neutrally. How does it detract from him or hinder him regularly?
Appearance: You mention his clothes and goggles in the application, but his appearance is just a headshot. If you could be more specific about the styling, this would help with the art process! This is just a nitpicky thing as far as this crit is concerned.
Lusus: A lusus is a troll’s guardian, and considering troll kids are required to have their lusii with them in kid RPs, it’s important that we have some background on her! I’d like to know how Upryam and Wingmom get along, what her personality is, and how she has shaped his personality or affected him in his young life.
That's all I got! Let me know if you have any questions about my crit and put him back up when you'd like another round. c:
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Posted: Sat May 03, 2014 9:51 pm
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Posted: Sat May 10, 2014 3:17 am
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Helloo Lirende! Green Bean Machine here! I saw your post in the submission thread and figured I'd take a peek.
There's a couple of things that could use a bit more work. First off, I know Sypon had mentioned it in the previous critique but I'm a still little confused as to why Upryam spies on other trolls. I seem to be getting that he's lonely, but does not like to interact on a personal level. If he's not lonely, then what is it? Does he like to observe other trolls because he looks down on them and likes to watch the maggots squirm to boost his ego? Is he in fact socially awkward and hopes to glean some knowledge of how to interact by observation?
You mention in the second paragraph of his personality that Upryam makes a "giant fool of himself". I see no other mention of this however! It sounds interesting and I would love to see you elaborate on it!
This next note is a bit of a nitpick. His reason for not using daggers seems... odd. First off, how are using daggers considered cheating? It's one thing to bring a crossbow to a sword duel, but clawed gloves and daggers seem very similar. Also, a clawed glove is not any more "up-close and personal" than a dagger. All in all, I think this is an unnecessary justification. Just say he uses claws because that's what he likes to use.
Why does Upryam have to "flit from shadow to shadow" as you put it? Does his lusus not like him socialising? Or is it that he is going some place he shouldn't be? On a similar vein, it would be nice to see what places he goes to observe other trolls. Does he hang out in parks, restaurants, clubs...?
Your last paragraph introduces a whole new aspect of Upryam! Generally lower blooded trolls are not as prone to violence as those higher on the spectrum. Having Upryam be more violent than his fellow mustardbloods is fine, but I feel like it deserves a little explanation. You can really go a dozen different directions with this!
I would also like to note that in the first part of his personality you mentioned that Upryam is squeamish about blood. This contradicts the last paragraph so you might want to consider which you want to keep and which to ditch.
Strengths and weaknesses... Maybe this is just me but generally I like for strengths and weaknesses to be on the same plane. Clarification: right now you have his strengths as purely physical, and his weaknesses as personality. While I think it's fine to use both, try to spread the personality and physical attributes evenly across strengths and weaknesses, so that he has some physical weaknesses, and some physical strengths, as well as some personality weaknesses and some personality strengths. Regardless, I think it would be a good idea to focus in on personality for flaws/strengths. Having defined personality strengths and weaknesses makes it a little bit easier for people to plot for RP, as it gives an idea of how characters might bounce off each other.
Moving along, as Sypon already said the "stalker" trait does not seem like much of a weakness to me. It can get him into trouble sure, but that is largely dependent on the troll he is spying on. I'm going to be a wee bit bold here and suggest some alternatives based on what I've seen from Upryam so far. I could be completely off the mark, so just take them as a kick start: arrogant, temperamental, impulsive...
The first paragraph (excluding the physical description) of Wingmom was a little confusing. Watch your pronouns. It took me a couple reads through to figure out that you were talking about Wingmom dunking her head into the sopor slime.
Finally... I just want to be sure I'm understanding this correctly...
"Wingmom's Tailmouth regurgitates a special sort of liquid that is sweet of scent and tastes similar to honey[...] this liquid is, technically, Wingmom's excrement."
She poops out of the mouth on her tail? And Upryam eats her poop? (I can't think of a classier way to put that.)
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Posted: Sat Jun 28, 2014 12:09 am
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Hallo! Next crit coming your way. I apologize for the wait. I'm going to be committing to a quota for crits from now on, so I won't let the lengthy waits be this egregious. Let's begin.
Green made a very good post concerning Upryam's profile! Please read through it and address his points; I agree with 100% of them. I am concerned about the, um.... Eating of the... The stuff. It's rather confusing and strange, even by troll standards.
I'm still not getting an idea of WHY he likes to spy. Green said this, so I'll be brief. For a lot of his personality traits and hobbies, actually... Just ask "WHY"! What about his personality draws him to these things?
1. Spying
2. Mocking (dutiful mocking, no less. I've mentioned this before; you need to address this because it still isn't clear to me)
3. Torture/Assassination
4. Gardening (is it purely due to his lusus? Does he dislike the garden, like it?)
5. LARPing
6. His... Love? Of blood? This is very confusing overall - he likes getting up close and be an assassin, and make people bleed. You do mention that he doesn't like his OWN blood particularly, so there's something to look back at
typo: "lefting the desert" -> leaving the desert?
In the second to last paragraph of the personality section, you comment that he attempts to join in with others' conversations. I'm rather confused as to why he would do such a thing when there appears to be no need for him to do so if he only cares about spying on them. While I'd prefer he be consistent, you must note that if you change this trait he'll NEED to get outside of the hive and be able to interact with others to play in the shop.
His fear of powered trolls is actually interesting -- particularly the phrasing "honest troll." This has a lot of personality in it, considering he puts stock in honesty or at least sees himself as one. Maybe this was just something that came out of the application, but it gives an insight into what he thinks of HIMSELF, and that is something you'll want to look into.
Also, the edgy last two sentences are fairly out of the blue. You've mentioned that he's squeamish with blood, AND that he tries to tentatively join into conversations he's observing and has a rather honest approach to social situations. I'm getting two different trolls here: The creepy yet harmless spy who is a rather lighthearted but blunt, and the rogue-ish, sociopathic killer-in-training.
As far as his relationship with Wingmom, I don't get what he thinks of her. He takes care of her and comes back to the hive so she doesn't worry, but there's no sense of purpose to this. Does he do it because he cares for her? Is he begrudging? Reluctant? Too afraid to leave her? This, I think, will also inform some of those blank spaces and lack of connectivity within his personality currently.
--
I am completely in agreement with Green on the strengths/flaws spread.
The fact that Upryam's strengths are both physical says nothing about his personality (which is problematic in that that's the most unclear part about his application right now). I would take Green's suggestion and reconsider this.
Stalker is still not completely reading as a flaw, as Green pointed out. It needs to affect him regularly, and while he may frequently stalk others it is not going to be an obstacle for him when he is not doing that particular task.
Unsympathetic -- this is a personality trait that came out of the blue! It's something that should be in his personality, and should be better connected with his other traits.
Lusus:
--> recuprecon -> "recuperacoon"
Be careful with the sugar high of the... Tailmouth. It should not be a "power" of sorts. It's reading a little close to that right now, so you may want to look at that. Also, the poop bit is disturbing.
That's what I've got so far! Please make sure you take note of Green's crit as well as this one. Don't hesitate to ask if you have any questions!
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