I feel like I might have a mental illness

[reshi xx]

This is the first time I've expressed my feelings about this to anyone. I have this constant fear that if I actually tell this to anybody I know, they'll just leave. And I'm really afraid of that. So, with my fear of telling anybody that I actually know, here I am.

In short, I feel like I have some sort of mental disorder. I'm not completely sure which one. I'm not very well educated in this sort of thing, and I haven't really scratched the surface in the knowledge of just the different kinds of mental disorders there are. Despite this, I feel like I exhibit a lot of the symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder, but, again, I'm not an expert.

I'm not going to self-diagnose myself; that's idiotic. I just feel like it's possible. Maybe. I have this constant fear that everyone I love will leave me. I think that all my friends hate me, and that my family doesn't care for me much. You see, in short, I just feel like people deal with me. Like, nobody actually likes me, but they just keep me there, because if they didn't, nobody else would. And I really, really hate that feeling. It's shitty. Also, I have these spurts, only a few hours, usually at night, that I'm incredibly sad. They never last that long, and only really happen if I leave myself to my own thoughts. Earlier in the year, they were more common, but I've been distracting myself with sitcoms as of late, so they haven't been happening much now. During these spurts, I just feel so hurt and empty and scared, like I'm sitting at the bottom of a well, crying and slowly dying, thought I've already accepted my fate. I can't describe the feeling other than that, but I'm sure somebody out there can relate. Other than this, though, I'm a generally happy person. I laugh, and smile, the lot. I'm sure I don't have depression, because of this normal feeling that I always have. I don't feel depressed all the time, only during these few hours at night. Though, I do feel like, when I leave large groups of people, I get significantly sadder (which is ironic, because I'm an introvert). Maybe it's the presence of people that keep my going, I'm not sure. Maybe it's my fear of abandonment. Who knows.

I'm going to tell a story for a little. I think, at the time of this, I was in, maybe 3rd or 4th grade. Maybe even earlier. I don't really specifically remember. Basically, my older brother and I were arguing for whatever reason. Since we were both young and stupid, it eventually evolved into fighting. We were home alone, by the way. Anyway, I'm not completely sure what actually went down, other than that I hit him, and he was actually hurt. Immediately, I felt all guilty. I, alone, had hurt him. It made me feel horrible. I just remember feeling like a pile of s**t that was left along the side of a long forgotten road. I felt like the world would be better off without me. The next thing I remember, I was sitting on the stairs, sobbing my eyes out, and yelling something along the lines of "I don't deserve to live, I'm a horrible person, blah blah." But, you see, the creepier thing is that I clearly remember saying that I should go into the kitchen, grab a knife, and plunge it through my chest. And, you know, that feeling really hasn't gone away.
I wonder if my brother remembers that.

Though I have all these feelings, I'm really afraid to tell... anyone. I'm afraid that anyone that I know, even my family, will just leave me or brush me off if I tell them how I feel. I'm afraid that they'll all just say, "Oh, Sophia, you're fifteen, this is normal." I'm afraid that they won't care. It's funny, really, that I feel like this. My dad was depressed for a while, and he once told me that if I ever, ever felt depressed, that I could, and should, talk to him. Yet, I'm still afraid. Even though I rationally know that I should tell someone, and that it would probably benefit me if I would tell someone, I'm terrified of the thought.

I'm not sure what I want to gain from posting this. Advice? No, I know what you'll all tell me. You'll all tell me to tell them because it's what's best for me, and I'll get better. Maybe I'm looking for words of support. Maybe, deep down, I need someone to know how I feel. Maybe I just had to say it. I don't know. To be honest, I don't really know anything that's going on with me right now.  

[Rushed xx]

reshi xx

Im going to tell you something that may or may not help you. But i have listened to your problem so dont think you're alone, because atleast i am here, listening & trying to help or just give some advice & company.

EVERYONE, i dont care who they are, has something "wrong with them." this is called a flaw. or flaws. & its only natural to have random spurts of sadness or joy at times because if youre a teen to mature adult age of around 30, we still have hormone rushes & changes which are basically our 'emotion juices.'

Stress can also build up, or pent up rage. emotional distress in any form can turn into something physical like crying or anger issues. but they can easily be debunked, even that guilt you feel from the incident with your brother.

it wont happen overnight, but if you have trust in it, it will come, I promise you.
Go on walks.
play dancing games.
Food can even change it, i swear to god.
Music you listen to can alter your mood so be careful what you listen to as well.

remember that saying "laughter is the best medicine?"
its not completely wrong...

not just laughter, but every moment you spend being happy, will fade the negativity, it may take awhile depending on how dark & existent its been, but it will be forced out . Not by faking though.
actually go out, go to dances, talk to people, joke around, go on a rad trip.

depression is real & there are natural ways to eventually make it fade, i do not trecommend pills but thats a personal opinion.

if you want anymore of my thoughts on what i think will help, by all means talk to me.  

[Nikia]

You are human, yes. Do not allow yourself to be driven into a definition that others will create for you. Stop allowing yourself to think that you have to figure out how to deal with "you" on your own as the ONLY logical thing. You were born into a diverse society, filled with the knowledge of good and evil.
From your story of hurting a family member and feeling a ton of quilt. Realize that you had to feel that type of quilt, at that time, to know not to repeat or do an action that would lead to hurting someone where that type of quilt would make a reappearance. The experience helped you grow. And it should not hinder your ability to leave that experience in the past and take the lesson learnt with you, presently.
Depression. Eh, personally I do not buy into the emotion. I know at times I feel the "symptoms" of depression. As I study my faith I recognize the taunting symptoms before they consume my whole day. I acknowledge them one by one and I suppress them with this fact: As out of place I may feel or I may want to feel, I will never be abandon. I trust God to correct me. I know the correction may at times be uncomfortable and may be harsh. I have faith that what I experience will lead me to be where God ordained me to be. I am a sinner by nature. I know right from wrong. I often will be convicted because I call on Christ Jesus to lead me in righteous paths. I am aware that I will be forever accused as I walk this earth because the prince of this world does not want me to be apart of God's Kingdom. I willingly know I must repent and reduce my repeated sins. I must also know that praying for everything means just that, and that prayer must be done consistently.
What I am sharing is not religion. What I shared above is to invite you to think of this simple truth: You are here for a reason. You cannot write yourself out of the plan of life. You will be conspired to write yourself off within your own thoughts and,sadly, indirectly by others--not to leave out the ones that are bold to try you directly--( You mentioned a certain times at night ... my moments happen randomly throughout a 24 hour day. However, at night and when I am alone it's pretty loud.)
Just today, I had to fake a smile in public. Have you ever tried doing this? Its a strange feeling. I honestly had a quick thought of my attempted smile appearing as the exaggerated-cartoon-smile of the Joker , Batman's villain.(and no, I have not came across a human being with a natural ability to recreate the Joker's smile, though, the actor, Jack Nicholson's smile would be highly considered). I knew I did not want to have what I was feeling to rub off on others and I did not want to have a sit down and chat with them about it. I also wanted dearly to convince myself that I was being attacked and the best thing to do is SMILE. Smile because in an hour or so I will be writing this to a stranger who at times experience things like I do and did. Smile because the sun and the clouds still make summer bearable. Smile because the air is still functioning in my lungs. Smile because I am not alone (even when I am alone physically). I start looking and taking accord of all the things I am grateful for...like people. I know right?! The good , the bad , the ugly... I am glad to see the age difference, level of class difference, and the type of life they are leading by just the expressions on their faces. Have you ever noticed when someone looks sad, happy, mischievous, mad... haahah I know you must of heard people gossiping about some type of issue they are dealing with ...randomness. pure randomness ...

and here you are in the mist of this .

Is it madness?
Can there be a cure with no side effects?
Would you want to keep this in, not telling someone you trust? Why bury your feelings? Well, yes some feelings need to be thought out before expressing or sharing. Seriously, evil exists. If by chance you share something, without much thought, evil (properties of a noun) can twist it and turn your thought into poor action. Knowing when to share and how to analysis the response of your share is a key to unlocking a door meant to prosper you. It's an art I would like to prefect. I am gaining new years and still yearning to perfect it. Over time, interesting enough, I did learn from the art of analyzing the response. And the responses (reactions) are always changing, but a person's character remains consistent. You must have heard by now that a person's character can be developed, but how often do you hear about it being reconstructed? So, it takes experience and time to get to know someone well enough to see the consistent nature of their character. I keep good people around me. I weed out the weeds with care, I do not burn bridges. I give people the benefit of the doubt, however I do my best to avoid people that are not good for me. I learnt my loved ones reactions to the point that there is no surprise; if the advice or the comments that follow happen to be off base, or way off base, or a home run ... I understand their intentions and that it's their opinion. Truthfully, when a loved one does not get it at first it sucks. The amount of time it takes to muster the confidence to share and to get a response that seems unhelpful, it hurts the pride. YOU CAN'T LET IT. Simply put, our pride ...can be stressful, that is why we are told to be humble. Humility is a trait that saves time from being unproductive. I also like hearing myself talk out the situation when I am talking to a loved one. At times I will talk to myself out loud. When things get too crowd in my mind, I have to bounce those thoughts in a sincere fashion to the ones I love.
Your attitude is key to how people will perceive you.
At your age you have to understand how cool you really are. And how cool of an adult you want to be ... and if you really want to know the : how will I know if it is a sin, or why am I being attacked in my own mind, or why are others so demanding, or the why to anything...I recommend you start studying to find out. I am sharing the Truth. The Holy Bible has a lot of facts in it. If the religious section did not exist in the modern bookstores, the Holy Bible would be in the Non-Fiction section. There are other good translations like NKJV, MSG, AMP, NIV, ESV... and make it more simple (Bibles are expensive if not free) download the smartphone app: The Bible by YouVersion or surf http://www.lifechurch.tv

emotion_bigheart Thanks for sharing here! emotion_hug Keep your head above water, thread back towards the shoreline and once you get to at least knee deep waters ...then walk or run your way out from the rip tides and find some shade. It does matter , so wear sunblock; waterproof preferred if you plan to get wet. ...pure randomness


 

[Mimu-lou]

reshi xx

In short, I feel like I have some sort of mental disorder. I'm not completely sure which one. I'm not very well educated in this sort of thing, and I haven't really scratched the surface in the knowledge of just the different kinds of mental disorders there are. Despite this, I feel like I exhibit a lot of the symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder, but, again, I'm not an expert.

Reshi, My best friend has Borderline Personality Disorder, and she's been struggling with it for years. Right now, she has a BA degree a great job, and friends that would literally do anything for her. This could be you in the future, mental illness doesn't have to be a death sentence, it's just something to overcome. I have also been diagnosed with a mental disorder, and several members of my family as well. I can promise you that you've already taken a step to making things better by coming to someone about this, even if it's just the internet. We will listen to you. I think your family would too.

BPD typically comes from being ignored and "invalidated" as a child. Since you are so young, you are in a vital part of your mental development. Both me and my sister had signs of Mental Disorder when we were your age, she got help and I buried it deeper, now she is living a normal life and I'm still being tormented by my own mind. Trust me when I say that getting help NOW is the best thing you could possibly do.

I swear to you though, If you do have some sort of Mental Disorder it's not the end of the world. Yes, I am sad a lot. yes, it's hard as hell to get past it. But I have a loving husband, a family that hugs me despite the fact they know it won't help the pain, and they don't want me to leave them. No matter how messed up I am. Your family loves you, they want you, they do not want you to hurt yourself and they want you to get better.

You can do it.

Message me if you wanna talk or anything. I've got a ton of experience with this sort of thing.  

[Cadenza of the Heart]

You are not alone, I have these same exact feelings! Everything you've described I am feeling too, all the time, for at least a year and a half now.
I haven't gone to talk to anyone about it either though, but I think I should and I've been meaning to. If you talk to a doctor and get a diagnosis, I'd like to hear what it is.