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Hey Foxfire! So sorry for the wait. Glad to see you back up and running with applications! Thanks much to Gal for taking initiative to crit.
Much of what Gal said still needs addressing. I didn’t see the Sarcastic or Greasy traits in there so I’m assuming you made SOME fixes, but I would revisit her crit and address everything she said (all were valid points!) so that I do not have to restate it here.
Alright, let’s get down to business. (To defeat the Huns.)
“When you first take a look at Viddle you would consider him just another no good rust blood in New Hemisect city feeding off the trash of the high bloods..”
This, and the # business that you refer to later when insinuating that Viddle is called by a # instead of a name, is confusing. In the canon of Hivestuck, lowblood trolls are not well off for sure, but I wouldn’t go so far to say that they all live in dystopian slave conditions. Certainly there may be trolls living like this, but it’s not the majority.
“He’s in the city to help other rust bloods live a tad bit better then their current situation. Viddle believes money and power is the best way to change things for the good. This is where he began his gambling habits, which prove to be more helpful then most would think. Thanks to his natural need to try and be better then people he doesn’t like, he’ll often go and raise the steaks putting everything on the line to intimidate his opponent.”
A major thing that I’d like to know about Viddle is his motivation between a) helping others and b) treating highbloods with contempt. Sometimes it sounds like Viddle does things for his own self-interest, and other times out of the goodness of his heart. However, this is so back and forth that I’m not getting a good read on who he is as a character. I recommend choosing one or the other. If he has both within him, you need to be clear on the exceptions when he IS greedy vs. charitable. As far as his hatred for highbloods, where did this originate? What does he feel about the hemospectrum as a whole, and how does he interact with others because of this? I also don’t get a solid idea of how he behaves normally, because one moment he’s sweet-talking, another he’s “putting everything on the line to intimidate his opponent”, and then you have to deal with his prejudice as well. He’s pretty contradictory right now. Commit to those choices!
“Sometimes this doesn’t work and he gets called out for it causing his more unattractive side to slip out. Viddle can’t deal with guards and large groups of high bloods so he’ll usually try pinning the blame on someone else to save his nook.”
OKAY. What does Viddle’s unattractive side look like? There are plenty of ways to be an unappealing person or show your nastiness. Is he aggressive? Spiteful? Sleazy? Think about how when his charisma fails what lies underneath.
Additionally, stating he can’t deal with guards and large groups of opposition is sort of a given. Basically all trolls can’t single-handedly deal with this! However, I do like the trait that he pins blame on others: perhaps you could revisit this to other situations, like when dealing with smaller conflicts that happen more frequently? Again, you’ll have to balance this with the rest of his personality when you commit to his choices.
“He hopes to one day join or create a group of trolls and make everyone equals. Until that day comes of course he doesn’t mind staying in the slumps helping other rust bloods out one day at a time.”
The idea that Viddle wants to join OR create a group of trolls is a new one and an important one, I feel! You mention just after that he doesn’t mind staying in the slums until then, though, so is he just too lazy to consider creating one or joining one until the opportunity comes about? He seems pretty ambitious, so I would think he’d be more involved with this train of thought. If not, how did these thoughts come about and what motivates him to pursue this train of thought?
As far as other things to consider for Viddle’s personality, I don’t get the sense of what Viddle’s hobbies or other interests are. His core motives are clear, but what if he’s not interacting in situations where his main interests come into play? (Mid-bloods?)
And finally – this is important – Viddle will start out at kid stage. His personality should reflect that. This is a reiteration of what Gal said, but I think it is the most prominent issue to address FIRST before addressing anything else.
Strengths/Flaws:
Moxy:
This is a good example of where he’s written as a teen (see: weapon) rather than a kid.
Envious:
This is a really redundant paragraph, as well as two traits mixed with one. In the beginning you talk about his envy, but then digress into a trait closer to being contrary. First thing’s first, I’m not sure how either of these inhibits him. Envy can sometimes be a motivator! How does his envy negatively affect him? I think his obsessive ranting is an interesting flaw, but should be separated and expanded upon if you choose to keep it.
Fraudulent:
This is written as a strength. His ability to swindle others is great for him! It’s also not fraudulent, as it is immoral. However, the last line does apply to this flaw. Being untrustworthy is a reasonable flaw.
Prejudiced*:
The issue with this flaw lies in the last line. If he were truly prejudiced, he wouldn’t associate with high bloods or even seek out their assistance. If he is able to, as you have said, then it really works for him as a strength, not a flaw.
Appearance:
I’m kind of confused as to what his weasel-tail-horns look like. Are they just… Tubes? Weasel tails are kind of tubey. I guess I just don’t know what the END of one refers to, if not the fluffy black tuft. This is a weird crit. Consider sketching them for reference?
As far as his appearance, overall physique and health and other distinguishing features would be useful to know!
Home:
Not much here, but a couple of clarifying comments: Did weasel-mom choose to have a sewer-manhole in the hive? Also, refer to the Alternian dictionary for the correct phrases for parts of the hive and other fun things! Bedroom = respiteblock, and so on.
Lusus:
Lots of work to do here. We need to know Weasel-mom’s personality, as well as the relationship between her and Viddle. How does she affect him as he grows up? Remember that she is effectively his parent, and that he is a child at this stage. She WILL have an impact on him, for better or for worse. He will also need to have her present in his child roleplays, so consider how they interact with each other. Additionally, refer to Gal’s crit.
Overall, great start! I have a lot to say as always, but you really have a good concept going here and I’m excited to see where you take it.
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