Just looking to sort out my thoughts.

[Farzine]

I'm not looking for anyone's input, just need to get what's in my head out.

I'm pretty sure I'm suffering from depression. I used to have it real bad back in middle school and throughout most of high school. I started self harming in 10th-11th grade (Cutting, starving myself, and sleep deprivation), but thankfully made a change for the better my senior year of high school. I was doing good. I was happier. I made a few friends, very few, and I felt welcomed by society.

Last summer (2012), I moved from my parents household back to my hometown. I live with my grandparents, which is nice financially, but ******** they're annoying. I can't be myself here, I can't do what I want, and I can't even walk around with friends after dark without my grandmother calling 10+ times to tell me she doesn't want me out after dark. I mean come the ******** on. I'm an adult. They're openly against gays. I'm a lesbian. They don't like cursing. All my friends and I curse. They're all about church and good deeds, which is great, I'm a Christian I love God and I love helping people, but I'm not the kind of Christian to judge others nor shove my beliefs down others throats like they are. So basically, I can't have friends over, I can't go out with friends after dark (which sucks because most of my friends work till later in the evening), and I can't be myself. I'm being suffocated! I felt this way back at my dads and now I feel it even more here. At least at my dads I was accepted as being gay. -.-

This past month as been bad. I've felt the depression sneaking up on me slowly, and last night I just broke down. I cried for hours. I ended up cursing myself out and started cutting my arm again. I told myself I would never do that... ever, but I couldn't help it. I've even thought about overdosing on my sleep meds, but the fact that they would probably only make me puke keeps me from doing so. My grandfather has guns I could use, which scares me, because it'd be so easy just to kill myself. I know someone who tried that, shot herself right in the head, she survived and now has a fake eye. -.- I don't want to survive.

And to add on to this pressure, I can't even get a ******** job! I have no way of getting out of here! I'm stuck. I'm ******** stuck and there's nothing I can do. I'm helpless. I've applied to so many places and I've gotten called in to two open interviews, both of which my anxiety ******** up for me. I HATE THIS. I HATE EVERYONE. AND I JUST WANT TO LEAVE.  

[Rainbow_Dash18]

heart It sounds like you just had a setback..I know its tough to deal with right now, but you dont need me to tell you that things get much easier to handle, as you've already found that out for yourself. I know its bad, and it's even worse when people judge or tell you what you're feeling is wrong. I know it's hard to hide your true self from people who're supposed to accept you no matter what. I can't give you any structured advice as to how to help you, but if you ever need to vent feel free to Pm me anytime heart  

[Farzine]

Rainbow_Dash18

heart It sounds like you just had a setback..I know its tough to deal with right now, but you dont need me to tell you that things get much easier to handle, as you've already found that out for yourself. I know its bad, and it's even worse when people judge or tell you what you're feeling is wrong. I know it's hard to hide your true self from people who're supposed to accept you no matter what. I can't give you any structured advice as to how to help you, but if you ever need to vent feel free to Pm me anytime heart

That's what I told myself to get out of my depression a few years ago, "It'll get better... It'll get better... It HAS to get better..." Eventually it did, but hell, it's only been a couple years and I already feel bad again. I feel like I can't breathe and I just want out - out of this world, out of this house, and out of my conscious.

I just don't care anymore.

Anyway, thanks for your support. I am grateful - still bleh though. ._.