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Posted: Wed Jul 25, 2012 11:49 am
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Back in February I made this thread. And you have no idea how much I wish I never had.
February was the start of my "diet." It started out as the normal "eating less and eating healthy" thing for about a month. Then, I don't know what went wrong, it went from "I'm dieting to lose 3 pounds" to "I can't eat this, this, this, any of that, and oh my god I am so ******** fat I hate myself I want to die oh my god I'm so hungry what am I doing."
This 'diet' of mine, whatever it is, has brought so many problems along with it. I hate myself. I will start crying in the middle of a store and beg to leave because I hate trying on clothes so much. I'll refuse to go out with friends or to the pool just because I don't want people to see how fat I am. I've started cutting myself again as a result of this- I was SO PROUD of myself for not self injuring at all during 2011, but then as soon as this started I've found more reasons to be upset and to hate myself. I want this to go away. I'm tired of my life being defined by a nutrition label. I'm tired of calories. Calories. Calories. Calories. I hate that stupid ******** word.
And the worst part is I fear I've let this get out of hand because of how in denial I was about it for so long.
I’m struggling. Everyone always says things like “Oh you’re so healthy” when they see me eat a salad with no dressing while they eat burgers and candy and junk. I’m so healthy? Why? For eating the amount of calories that a 3 year old girl needs? People consider that healthy? The problem is, people seem to think that eating a small amount of calories means being healthy. It’s not healthy. I’m miserable.
My period is no longer 7 days like it was last year. IT’S ONE DAY LONG, if it even comes at all. So far I haven't gotten it this month. I'm weak, and even if I sleep for 10 hours I'm still tired. My head literally always hurts, there is not a moment that I do not have a dizzy headache. My mom says my eyes and skin look lethargic. I tell her it's just because I stayed up too late the night before. But all of this is okay because people think I’m “healthy.”
My mind… is in even worse of a state than my body. Ten PM, I’m hungry, but oh, too bad, I used all my calories.No food for me.
Eating a cupcake or something equally as ‘unhealthy’? Don’t even think of it. I’ll spend the rest of the day crying or wanting to die and so I just don’t do it, unless it’s very rarely, like on my birthday or with friends.
Every night I go to bed wishing morning would hurry up and come just so I can eat again. Start over fresh with a new day with a new amount of calories. Because I’m hungry. And I’m miserable. And I don’t know where I’m going to be this time next year if I keep going like this…
People don’t realize what a problem this is. I’m not 90 pounds so they don’t know what’s going on. I’m small, yes, at my school people say things like “Oh you’re so skinny!” but it’s a healthy looking kind of skinny. No one would ever know there was a problem.
So that's where it gets difficult. How do you ask for help when you seem to be perfectly fine? This ... thing.. I don't even know what it is. Is it an eating disorder? I have literally all of the mental symptoms of EDNOS (eating disorder not otherwise specified), but because I do allow myself to eat SOME... I feel like I'm just another stupid teenager on a diet. Maybe I don't have a problem. Maybe I'm just being overdramatic.
I've lost 17 pounds since I made that thread... the weight loss was very rapid at first and now my body refuses to lose more than 1 or 2 pounds a month, even though my habits are only getting more and more disordered.
I’ve been in this hell for 5 months. I wish I could go back to February and say to myself, “Don’t “diet."" I hate this and I honestly, truly, in every meaning of the phrase, am "at a loss" for what to do.
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Posted: Wed Jul 25, 2012 12:05 pm
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It still classifies as anorexia nervosa. You have a distorted self image and are restricting your food and caloric intake to extreme levels. That's anorexia nervosa.
The lack of more weight loss is because your body thinks that it's in a famine. Your metabolism is crawling now, trying to cling to every last bit of weight (energy) that it can, because it has no idea when the next shipment of food for it will arrive. If you start noticing a peach-fuzz-like thin down of hair growing on your skin, that's another sign; your body is losing all of its fat and can't keep itself warm.
You do have a problem. You do need to talk to someone about it. Really. Mention it to your mother; DON'T mention it to your friends at this point. Teenage girls will simply be jealous of your "conviction" or whatever, they won't realize how much harm it's doing to your body. It's a rough suggestion, but try to go to a therapist for self-image counseling. It helps. Really.
Really, I'd do anything for your figure; I'm not fat by any means (I'm 5'9, 147 lbs), but you are stick thin compared to that. I have had eating disorder issues too. It's summer now, and I barely eat at all. Maybe one meal a day, two on weekends because my boyfriend picks me up around lunchtime and knows I probably haven't eaten yet. The thing is, I'm not hungry most of the time (maybe because I sleep in), but I know I should eat more. I love fatty foods though. I love burgers, I love chips, I love cake and other sweets. I can't really turn them down. So, on weekends I eat as many calories as a normal person. I can tell I've lost weight over the summer (my waist has shrunk, but my thighs still exist in all their non-glory), but it doesn't feel like enough. Even so, I eat when I want to.
I'm not consciously focusing on weight loss or not eating. You are. That's half the problem. Just relax. Maybe start by slowly increasing your calories you're allowed every day or few days. Add in a treat like a piece of chocolate. Slowly work your way up. Do research and look up healthy weights. Try to convince yourself that you are not being healthy.
Feel free to PM me about this if you want.
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Posted: Wed Jul 25, 2012 12:08 pm
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Posted: Wed Jul 25, 2012 1:12 pm
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Posted: Wed Jul 25, 2012 1:18 pm
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Posted: Wed Jul 25, 2012 1:24 pm
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THE_FAIRY_EMPRESS Vice Captain
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Posted: Wed Jul 25, 2012 11:14 pm
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Posted: Wed Jul 25, 2012 11:47 pm
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i cannot stress this enough. go. see. your. doctor. as soon as you can, and tell them exactly what's going on. not eating much to start with, always being hungry, the mental idea that you can't eat something that isn't viewed as healthy, fear of gaining any weight, and your period practically non-existant are signs of anorexia. you're absolutely right, eating nothing but very small portions is not healthy, even if they're healthy foods. the body needs a certian amount of colories every day in order to function proporly, and store extra energy for times when for whatever reason you are unable to find food. you should go and get help for this rather than just try and deal with it on your own, or even worse, continue to barely eat anything. your doctor can tell you what you should do and can suggest what you may want to consider.
keep in mind, getting back to eating regular portion sizes and getting your body used to it will be rough. that's normal. but you need to tell someone that you're having this problem. tell your mom to get you in to see the doctor, telling her what's happening to you may be enough for her to decide to do it without you asking. but yes, this is a disorder and you really should go and seek help for it, from whoever you can that is a medical professional. i really, really hope that you get better, stuff like this isn't easy to go through, and i wish you the absolute best with all of this
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