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 Posted: Thu Jun 28, 2012 12:17 pm
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Hi so, just in forewarning here, this is gonna be a wall of text.
Ok so a year ago I met my boyfriend Josh. My friend Rini, (one of the only two friends I have now) set us up and we've been together ever since. I wanted him to meet my friends so I took with me as a 'date' to my then best friend Kelly's surprise birthday party me and my then friend John had planned. He got along with everyone and it seemed everyone liked him. Except Kelly and my other then best friend Alina. Alina and Josh we're sort of friends in high school so she knew a little about him. She pulled me aside and told me that he wasn't a good pick at all. That he was "clingy". I tried to think if I had seen or picked up on any fact that he was like that and had found that to be false. Kelly went along siding with Alina and that's when our drift started.
I've known Alina since 6th grade and from the moment I thought she was a scary 8th grader and asked if I was in the right spot, we were friends. She's been there with me through so much and I really miss hanging out with her and our other friends I met through her. I even skipped out on a church service to go to her grad party because I found out it was mostly family and only a couple of friends. Even Kelly skipped out and went to church! Anyway, the three of us had been together for a lot and I really miss that.
Kelly and I met through Alina on a band trip to Disney. We really clicked and had such a great time together. Eventually we got to know each other a bit more and when a huge event in my life occured, she was there to help me through it. And a huge break-up with my ex that turned his feelings towards her. He was our inside joke. Kelly is one of the most trustworthy people I know and I really miss going to hang out with her at her house or at the mall and we just have our "girl talks". I miss our sleepovers and our epic mancala and war battles.
These girls we're my best friends all through high school and I thought we'd be best friends for life. But when Josh came into the picture, they started telling me that he wasn't right for me. "He's not christian." To be honest, (and i'm sorry if I offend anyone religious) I've kinda looked at christianity and for me, things just don't add up. Anyway, even then I thought that it was odd how someone who claims they're christian was suddenly judging someone just because he wasn't of our religion. He's atheist and I'm, well, i'm sure what I am.
In the beginning of our relationship we had our little arguments as all couples do. Me being just an emotional person, was really hurt from time to time and when I would run to my friends to vent, they would start bad mouthing him and tell me that I had to break up with him. Eventually I got tired of them bad mouthing him and lied to everyone, telling them all I did break up with him. They all thought I was crying and so upset from the break up, it was really from the guilt and realization that my friends just didn't accept him or my happiness with him. I finally confessed and they got really really mad at me. Whenever I tried to tell them that he was actually treating me right, they started just saying "ok" and that was it. Then they just flat out told me that they didn't want to hear anything about him.
Kelly was the first to go, I was trying to tell her about how Josh had surprised me with a trip to Busch Gardens and all the fun we had. She acted aloof and just uninterested. I felt that we had drifted so far apart not just from this but due to college as well, and that we weren't the same friends we used to be. A couple months ago, I contacted her through a fake facebook account. I just couldn't face her myself. I said that "my friend" wanted me to pass it on to her. I wrote a short note stating how I missed our friendship and all the good times. I wasn't saying I wanted her to accept me as a friend again. I felt and still kind of feel unworthy of that. I was just feeling lost without my best friend and I wanted her to know that I did miss her. She didn't reply for about a week and I thought that she'd read it and deleted it. But then, I got a really long message back from her. I'm gonna post it here, because I just cant' sum it up.
" I do miss you as my friend, I miss how we used to hang out together, and how we could laugh easily, but there’s nothing I can do to change what’s happened. You chose him. Despite our history, I didn’t matter as much, and you chose the boy who’s manipulated you and lied to you since you began dating. And, in turn, you lied to me. Multiple times, even after I warned you in the parking lot that I can’t have friends that lie to me. That tore me apart. I can’t begin to tell you how much that hurt, and still does. You’ve made foolish decisions when it comes to him, and by doing that you’ve pushed away everyone who cares about you. By the end, I felt like I was talking to a brick wall and all I could do was seemingly watch as you made those decisions. I miss you, but I feel that nothing has changed since the day that you blocked me – and then deleted me. You never even replied to what I said to you. Just silence when I told you that I honestly couldn’t support you, and then a few hours later, your unfriending on facebook. You’re still with him, I know. I don’t know if you’re happy with him- I still don’t see how you can be with the way he treats you. His apologies don’t erase what he’s done. I just hope you realize that you are a loveable person, and there’s someone out there who will love you for who you are. When you feel like there’s no one else who could love you besides him, that’s not real love. You have to love yourself before you can really love someone else, and be healthy. You deserve so much more. I honestly don’t know what you want from me. To turn back the clock? Kris, you’re the one who shoved me away. My position hasn’t changed: I won’t support your relationship with him. I agree: this was a completely dumb thing to break up our friendship – I said that back then, and it holds true now, but I won’t support something that I see hurts you. Beyond that, it’s the lies that hurt most of all. It would honestly take something huge to get back what we had – I don’t even know what. That’s all I really have to say. I do miss you, Kris, and yes, I do still pray for you. I hope things get better for you and that you can become stronger and grab what you truly want. What you do at this point is really up to you. There’s nothing else I can say."
After I read this I sat in my chair at work and cried my eyes out. Just re-reading it now is causing me to cry. Basically, because of my anger and stupidity at the time when she states I blocked and deleted her, I lost my best friend. I know it's my fault and shouldn't have acted so irrational but I felt so betrayed that my best friend didn't want to hear about the now biggest part of my life. In because of this, Alina told me that she "wasn't going to take sides". I told her that I wasn't asking her too, I just wanted her friendship. Whenever I tried talking to her, it was one or a couple worded replies and that's it. I eventually asked her if we were still friends. She said she didn't know and this is what she told me:
"I was never supportive of your relationship with Josh, Kristen. I never was. I don't know what led you to believe that I was. I warned you about him from the very beginning. I know how he is (or was, I'm not sure anymore). I see the way he treats you sometimes...or don't you remember the times when you called Kelly or me crying because of something he did?! Don't tell me that that doesn't matter, because it does. We, as your so-called "friends", are supposed to protect you from that sort of thing. But the thing is--you are doing that to yourself, albeit somewhat willingly because you have recieved several warnings from both Kelly and I. There is nothing we can do if you are being naive and willingly taking his s**t with open arms. And the fact that you lied to one of us (Kelly mostly) and expect that both of us won't talk about it amongst ourselves sooner or later is really, really stupid of you. Putting more trust on me than Kelly is an immediate turn off for me, Kristen. Don't expect that any longer...I noticed you had deleted her a friend here on Facebook. I won't stand for being between the two of you. You were my oldest friend, Kristen, but she has also become one of my best friends too. I just can't be in the middle."
Again, my anger got the better of me and I told her that I was never asking her to be in the middle nor was I expecting her to be. I told her that her and Kel didn't need to worry about me anymore and that I hoped their lives were good. And that maybe in the future we could become friends again. Our friendships ended in December. Here I am almost a later and I'm missing them so much my subconscious decides to weave them into my dreams where they're my friends again and they've forgiven me. I'm seriously not sure what to do. I know what I did was horrible and stupid and just immature. But now that my relationship with Josh is pretty strong and we've been through so much together. How can I have them see him for the person I know he is? How do I know if I reach out to them, that they won't just throw everything in my face and continue to be absent from my life. I wonder if they even truly miss me. I know I can't go to Josh because he was the blunt reason for everything and though he's supposed to be there for me, he's gonna say something against them because of what they said about him. I miss my friends. Out of all the friends I made with and through them, I have two. None of which were from that circle of friends. I just feel so alone without them and I feel that because of what happened I lost all those other friends because maybe they really weren't my friends? I know Kel and Ali are in town now for the summer and I just want to somehow run into them and see what they'd do. Would they ask me how I am and talk to me? Or would they pretend they didn't know me? Kel works as a cashier somewhere and I was thinking about stopping there and getting something small and see what'd she do. But I feel that that would be cornering her into an awkward corner and I don't want to do that. If you read this entire thing, my hat's off to you. I'm so sorry for the giant wall of text but I felt everything had to be laid out and explained.
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Posted: Thu Jun 28, 2012 7:32 pm
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Well... if you really want them back, maybe you could start by finding out what exactly Alina knew about Josh that made her and Kelly against him. Maybe there was just this misunderstanding between you three or some words that were never really delivered properly. Then you'd be able to understand them better.. and even your situation now. Did they ever tell you what they don't really like about him or did they just state it in general terms? Coz if not, maybe the truth will hurt more and they don't you to be hurt anymore than how they saw you already.
The best thing to do would be just kind of bump into them accidentally. No need to push yourself into their midst, particularly if they are a bit annoyed with you. Don't act as if you never fought. Just a little Hi there the first meeting would do. It would show that you still consider them friends, even if not best friends. It would also give them time to adjust to the fact that you're around them again. Maybe, you could drop in the store where Kelly works every now and then and buy stuffs there? If it's a grocery store, then you could do your shopping there everyday or what-not. Take things one step at a time, don't rush it. Some people shrink away if you're too pushy, and it's not like those two are complete strangers. Take note though, don't befriend them in Facebook immediately after the first encounter. Wait until you're in the stage where you guys are having a normal conversation (as in, without the tension and the awkwardness). And lastly, don't mention Josh at all costs, unless they're the ones who brought it up. And if they ever do, change the subject subtly, don't dwell on it too much. Focus on being friends with them when you're talking to them.
If they still don't approve of your relationship with Josh, even if you're friends now, then maybe it's time for you to just move on. As friends, it might be their "duty" to ensure your happiness and that you're safe, but if they can't support you in what you want, then they're not your friends. You could still be friends with them, but I doubt you can bring back how it was before because no matter what you do, the stain's there to stay. Even if they've approved of your relationship, and you manage to bring back the way it was before, it will never be the same again, especially to them.
Oh, and I don't think it would be bad for Josh to find out what you're going through right now. If you say that your relationship is stronger than ever, then maybe he could help you out in this situation. If you trust him completely, then you can tell him your secrets and burdens. Although we can give as much support and advice, it's still not personal. There's this virtual world that separates us, and what you need right now is someone who is physically there to support you.
I hope this helps. You can do it, just take that courage to take a step forward. Good luck!!
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Posted: Fri Jun 29, 2012 6:39 am
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Bumblebear319 Well, I think Alina was just trying to tell me about his past which I eventually learned through him telling me on his own and what really happened vs. what was seen and speculated. They mainly just didn't like the stuff he said when we had our arguments. What I don't understand is that, everyone has their arguments and knows that things are said that aren't really meant. I guess when I was trying to go to my friends to vent and reassurance that every couple fights/argues, they saw it as something more? I don't know. And tomorrow I have to go get some stuff from the grocery store so I might swing the one she works at and pick up dinner there. It wouldn't be too much if I politely/casually asked how things in her life were going right? I just don't want to push too much.
Hmm... you're right, maybe they thought he was this really bad guy and that he's only play-acting now. And you're in a much better position than them to judge him, so maybe they were at fault in not giving him a chance. Maybe they were being a little overprotective of you. Or they might be jealous of him because they thought Josh might take you away from them. It's not nice, but it's a possibility that you might consider when you're rebuilding your relationship with them.
Yes, you could go and do your shopping there. If it's possible, you could pass by her counter before you enter and say Hi to her. It'd be easier for you to strike conversation once you're paying since then both of you are aware of each other's presence in the store. But if it's not possible, then I guess some small chit-chat in the end will do. Ask something about college, not some shared hobby or something.
Good luck, you can do it!!
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Posted: Fri Jun 29, 2012 4:09 pm
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Louisa Iris Bumblebear319 Well, I think Alina was just trying to tell me about his past which I eventually learned through him telling me on his own and what really happened vs. what was seen and speculated. They mainly just didn't like the stuff he said when we had our arguments. What I don't understand is that, everyone has their arguments and knows that things are said that aren't really meant. I guess when I was trying to go to my friends to vent and reassurance that every couple fights/argues, they saw it as something more? I don't know. And tomorrow I have to go get some stuff from the grocery store so I might swing the one she works at and pick up dinner there. It wouldn't be too much if I politely/casually asked how things in her life were going right? I just don't want to push too much.
Hmm... you're right, maybe they thought he was this really bad guy and that he's only play-acting now. And you're in a much better position than them to judge him, so maybe they were at fault in not giving him a chance. Maybe they were being a little overprotective of you. Or they might be jealous of him because they thought Josh might take you away from them. It's not nice, but it's a possibility that you might consider when you're rebuilding your relationship with them.
Yes, you could go and do your shopping there. If it's possible, you could pass by her counter before you enter and say Hi to her. It'd be easier for you to strike conversation once you're paying since then both of you are aware of each other's presence in the store. But if it's not possible, then I guess some small chit-chat in the end will do. Ask something about college, not some shared hobby or something.
Good luck, you can do it!!
I messaged Ali on facebook last night and haven't gotten a response yet. I went to where Kel works and she wasn't there. I got up the immense courage and got her a birthday card for tomorrow. In it I explained how sorry I was and how I felt. I even went to her house to deliver it, but no one was home. I left it under the welcome mat so I know that someone will see the bright yellow envelope under the mat and make sure it gets to her. I felt like an adult dealing in this way. Instead of just sitting back and feeling sorry for myself, I reached out. They at least have to accept that I'm trying right? At least have the curtosy (sp?) to respond to me? |
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Posted: Fri Jun 29, 2012 4:31 pm
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Posted: Fri Jun 29, 2012 4:31 pm
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Posted: Fri Jun 29, 2012 4:37 pm
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Posted: Fri Jun 29, 2012 5:50 pm
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Posted: Fri Jun 29, 2012 5:54 pm
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Gigi Deveraux Aristocrat In Pink  Your friends say things such as he keeps apologising to you and that he hurts you. Why would they say that?
Is it not possible they see this and you don't?
He definitely ISNT treating you badly, is he? Aristocrat makes a good point here. Sometimes we're so enamored we can't - or don't want to - see the warning signs our friends do. Has he treated you in any way that was less than kind? At all? Rules of thumb: If your friends don't like your guy, you might want to reconsider the relationship. If your parents don't like your guy, definitely reconsider the relationship. If your dog or cat don't like your guy... end the relationship. My cat is smarter than I am, and he can see right through people.
Lol most of my friends did/do like him. Rini set us up and I've known her since first grade. My other friend Codie likes him too. The three of us actually met us at Busch Gardens recently and had a blast together! It made me so happy to see my best guy friend and my boyfriend get along so well, it gave me hope. and my gay dog bruiser LOVED Josh. He followed him all around the house when he was there and sat on his lap, if I moved him or put him down he'd jump right back up to Josh. |
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Posted: Fri Jun 29, 2012 11:43 pm
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Posted: Sat Jun 30, 2012 12:06 am
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Posted: Sat Jun 30, 2012 11:12 am
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Posted: Sat Jun 30, 2012 12:01 pm
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