Solo Lan hated the way things were going. For one thing, she was now considered of the ‘old order’ and had no way to do what she really needed to do. Nobility in name only? No- she’d not stand for it. She needed to be able to do as required. To have completed everything only to be second class? Lan laughed at the idea. She was proud. Pride was the kingdom that she’d been called to by another of her clan wasn’t it? Her arrogance might have been just that, arrogance, but Lan did think she should be allowed it. The second to have ever risen to elder since the fall of the clans. The first to have done so many things since they had been forced to live in squalor. Okay perhaps that part wasn’t a matter of pride and more a matter of fact and not at all that impressive.
Her clothes were still of the finest silks. Her home was still lavish and well- overall Lan hadn’t seen much of a change in physical matters. But the knowledge? The knowledge is what killed her. She was supposed to be in charge. Now without the power to back up her claim how was it that she’d lead or be even seen as worthy to lead? It wasn’t a problem before- not really. At worst she just had to wave her hand and find someone else to help her. They were bound by years of tradition and even she was. Bow this way, not that way. Eat only in this manner. Speak but never like that. Walk but not that quickly, never that slowly. She was supposed to be trained to be a member for the court, to have one been a wife to a higher family, (or rather, to one that was lower but that never bothered her given her change in fiancés).
Her test was days away, scheduled, set and ready. She had to prepare and ready herself for the trial, for the rigorous pain that would be her test. She was sort of ready. Mentally, yet also not. She was refusing the idea of failure, the notion that somehow, she might come up sort. It was so far flung from her mind it wasn’t even an option, a reality she could never conceive even in the furthest reaches of her mind. Lan was perfect, and in being so perfect, she would pass and gain a perfect score. Naturally.
As she failed yet again, Lan started to worry. She had gotten so close and then was killed. Reforming just outside at the start. Again, folly, her head taken by a single mistake. A harsh reality that was possible and reflective of chance and taking calculated risks but the very fact she had failed. Failed not just once or twice, not even three times, but six- six times a failure. Six times having gotten far then to make a single mistake and die for it. Mistake after mistake after mistake. Lan kept failing. Her hands shook, her eyes watered as she ran forward again, trying to take the path that had gotten her so near the end only to die once more. Her breathing became labored as the panic rose, her gold eyes wide in horror as the reality of what was happening began to sink in.
She was failing, and in doing so, she was being seen unfit. She was being known to lack the skill needed to be nobility. Licking her lips she tried again. She failed again. Her world spun as they told her they had seen enough. Others had to be tested, she had taken too much time. She could return later but for now, she was not of the true nobility.
Words had never cut her deeper. Anger, shame, disgrace, humiliation- failure had never been in her mind. She had never prepared herself to deal with such a fate, such a cold harsh reality, possibility. Lan had lived pampered, she had lived respected, she had lived, demanding loyalty, trust, giving it in turn. Brat and childish she might have been, but she did feel she cared, that she wanted what was best for those who supported her, those who rallied under her family’s name and banner.
Walking back to her home, devoid of servants, devoid of soldiers, Lan didn’t know what to do with herself. Her world had been torn out from under her, her life run backwards. She was nobility. It had been her identity, her rank, her birthright.
It was with an odd calmness that she moved to her bedroom, that she undressed and changed into her sleeping gown. Sitting on her bed, nothing felt different. It all felt the same. So why was it, that when she lay down to sleep, she could no longer dream of her future.
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