I'll Always Be Here ((Would Like some Critique!))

[Pearly Mahmood]

Chapter 1- Safe...?

"Damn you," Beatrice muttered under her breath as she flicked her desk lamp. It had belonged to her for seven years, given to her by her grandmother for her eleventh birthday. No amount of new light bulbs seemed to help it to shine as bright as it used to. "I think it's time you get a new lamp," said a deep, heavilly dutch accented voice coming from the speakers of her laptop. "No way! This is my baby!" She argued playfully back. "Oh? Competition for me, is it?" Beatrice smiled at her screen. She couldn't take her eyes off of the man who stared right back at her from a thousand miles away. "Hey, Jeff?" She asked, breaking the silence. "Hm?" He replied curiously. She hesitated for a moment before asking her question. "How do you imagine us meeting?" There was another silence as she watched him ponder the question. His blue eyes squinted, he sat back in his chair and rested his arm on his chin as if in deep thought. Beatrice blushed as his wavy, dark brown hair blew in the breeze that was carried in through his bedroom window. His webcam never gave his sexy features too much of a chance to wow her, which disappointed Beatrice. "Hmmmmm~" He teased. "I'm serious!" Beatrice complained, her bottom lip pulling down in a pout. "Alright, alright. I'd imagine..." Hearing a sudden knock on the door, Beatrice cut him off by exiting out of the Skype tab and closing her laptop. "Come in!" She called, trying not to let the nervousness show in her voice and expression as her mother entered the room carrying an elephant plushie. The sight of that doll never ceased to ruin any kind of happy feeling in Beatrice's heart and mind, no matter how many time she'd seen it. "Wh-what is it?" Beatrice asked, her eyes finally breaking away from the doll as she looked up at her mother. "He's gone... Did you know? He died." Was all she replied. There was no emotion, no life in her mother's voice anymore. After Beatrice's six year old brother died two months ago, her mother blamed it on Beatrice for not being there to protect him from the cars while he was crossing the street. After the funeral, her mother seemed like this walking corpse, or a zombie, you could say. Although Beatrice secretly wondered whether or not her mother enjoyed saying things like this to Beatrice to make her think it was actually her fault. "I know he's gone," Beatrice mumbled, eyeing the woman cautiously and with fear. One of two things would happen next. Her mother would break down crying, or she'd go on a rampage, throwing everything and hurting Beatrice in some way. She chose to do the second this time. Throwing the elephant doll to the ground, Beatrice's mother rushed over, swiftly wrapping her strong hands around her daughter's neck. "It's your fault!!!" She screamed. Beatrice clutched her mother's hands, trying her best to rip it off. She began to see black blotches covering her vision. Please hear the screaming, please hear the screaming!!! Beatrice's mind shouted. She would've called out for help, but for some reason her voice wouldn't come out. All of a sudden the pressure around Beatrice's neck was released and she fell out of her chair, lying still as she caught her breath.

"Beatrice... Beatrice!" She heard a woman call. She felt a few taps on her face before she opened her eyes, noticing a woman sitting over her. She was stroking Beatrice's hair, a terrified look on her face. Beatrice could hear her mother's voice fading away as she was taken out of the house. "The police are coming, dear. My husband, Joe. Do you remember him? He's taking your mother away from you for now. She won't be able to hurt you anymore..." A single tear spilled out of Beatrice's eye before the rest of her emotions rushed in and she began to sob, clutching her neighbor's hand. "Please don't let go! Please don't let go!" She cried.

"No. You can't stay there." Jeff demanded. Beatrice could tell he was staring at her neck the whole time. The hand prints hadn't disappeared from her neck from those three days ago. "I don't know how I'll be able to afford Holland, Jeff." Beatrice would be crying now if there were any tears left in her from the past few days. Silence. Jeff's eyebrows were scrunched together in deep thought before they suddenly elevated. He'd figured something out. "You don't need to, Beatrice," He replied. "Wait for me..." Beatrice was about to say something when the screen went blank. "Idiot!" She cried. He'd signed out suddenly, and Beatrice knew why. He was going to pay for it, and Beatrice would've argued for him not to. She shut off her computer, dragging herself into bed. "Come and get me..." She pleaded quietly as if Jeff were next to her. And with that, Beatrice fell asleep for the first time in three days.



It doesn't seem much like a horror yet, but the story will build! This isn't the ending of the first chapter, though! I just don't have enough time to type it out now. The rest of the chapter will be added in another post on this topic! Please comment! Have tips that you think will help? Please add^-^ Thanks!  

[xX Ducky Squadron Xx]

I think this is a really great start to what might be a really amazing story. I love the depth and feel of the first chapter, all it needs is more of a background to the story, and little less sudden intro of the additional charaters. Other than that I complelely love it!! <3 I just hope that you keep on going! ^-^ 4laugh  

[Pearly Mahmood]

Thanks for the advice! And here we are with chapter two!


"Now if you need anything you can call us. Yu know that, right?" Sara asked, brushing a stray hair out of Beatrice's face. "Joe and I will be here for you always." Beatrice sighed, nodding as she wrapped her arms around Sara's slim waist. "Thank you... Thank you so, so much, Sara. I don't know what I would've done if you and Joe hadn't stepped in..." Sara returned her hg with one of comfort. "Don't you worry about a thing, kiddo," Joe said, interrupting the short silence that'd followed my words. And then he smiled that smile... The same cold smile that would, for some odd reason, care Beatrice. It could be a repelant if he'd ever wanted it too. Paying no mind to it, Beatrice nodded and tried her best to smile back. "Thanks, Joe." They said their farewells and the elderly couple left soon after. Beatrice paced the floors impatiently as she waited for Jeff's plane to arrive. "The first time... The first time that I'm meeting him," she thought aloud, excited at the thought, yet somewhat disappointed that they had to meet because of something like this. "Someone's nervous," she heard from behind. She froze, her fingers twitching. She felt strong, yet gentle arms wrap themselves around her. "Beatrice..." came a murmur. Beatrice turned to see those deep blue eyes staring down at her. Finally, without the crappy quality of a webcam, she was able t see the eyes that'd caught the stars, and the person that'd stolen her heart. "Jeff," she whimpered. The floodgates suddenly opened again, and Beatrice hurried her exhausted face into jeff's chest, trying her best to stiffle a sob. "You don't have to hide it... Cry all you want, Beatrice. You're safe now." Her chest heaved as a cry escaped her lips. They stood there in the middle of the airport for a while as Beatrice relieved herself of another sob.

The ride