I need you

[cheapscake]

You 10/23/11

The ground is shaking
And my heart, it’s aching
I don’t know what to do
It’s as if my perseverance flew
Out of my heart, and distraught is me
I can’t take this anymore, my love for he
This is simple-minded,
depressed is more like it
My puzzle just doesn’t fit
I don’t get it, what are we to do
in this world, I need you.

Short and sweet
Straight to the point

What doth thou think?

 

[DrksStoryteller9000]

hmmmm i dont know wht i think of this poem, its leaning either way for me  

[cheapscake]

DLT15dragonlord

I think so too
//nod

..But
I'm too private to show my best work
I'm sowwy D;

 

[DrksStoryteller9000]

its completely fine SMILES. im the same way, but i wouldnt really know if its my best work, no one has really read it  

[cheapscake]

Well, I put too much feelings into my poems..
So I'm kind of conscious about my work too
:C

 

[Gnomes-san]

This is from an entirely layman's point of view, as poetry is anything but my strong suit. But, speaking as a musician, what really caught me about this poem is that, when you read it out loud, its very strong natural rhythm. Add on to that its simple but strong articulation...

have you tried songwriting? Its almost identical, really, but the natural flow of this is superb.

I liked it a lot, I guess I'm saying.  

[DrksStoryteller9000]

Pikachure

Well, I put too much feelings into my poems..
So I'm kind of conscious about my work too
:C

[/qu

i put way toooo much emotion in my writing as well, but ive come to the point were i feel as though my writing is the only way of expressing myself. im finding that it is sort of helping me....its funny how things change

 

[His Majesty Satan]

I agree with Gnomes, and I do respect your insecurity, but I'll tell you one thing. I made this guild so that people could receive constructive criticism on their pieces of writing. Don't worry, because the second I see criticism that is just for fun, that is for the benefit of only the critic, I'll ban them without batting an eye.

Also, this poem is great! These would be great song lyrics, but if it were made into a song, I would change the "doth thou think" part. Other then that, it is an energetic work of literary art, and I'm glad I read it.