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Posted: Sun Jan 15, 2012 3:15 pm
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Posted: Sun Jan 15, 2012 5:42 pm
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Posted: Sun Jan 15, 2012 6:59 pm
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Posted: Mon Jan 16, 2012 7:35 am
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Dark poetry does tend to be prevalent, but I am such a fan of it when it's well written. As it is here. (I really do wish I could write like you!) This time, since I've slept, I'm going to attempt a critique.
I think I'll start, again, with what lines I absolutely loved. "A restraining order against sanity" That was quite clever. I haven't heard that before. Saint Misery has died once again, Even the Devil would brace for impact. " I can't even state what those lines do. They tie it all together and leave me shell-shocked. I can't move for a few moments. heart
Now I'll say some things I personally didn't enjoy as much. Take these for what they're worth.
"You're heart is a nuke bomb;" should actually be "Your heart is a nuke bomb;" ..."and made a form of lust we call a knife." For me, personally, the first line and the second line didn't flow together as well. The second line, I think, feels a little staccato when I read it. (I'm awful at critiquing, I apologize. Take everything with a grain of salt.) One last thing is "You cut the cradle made up of your arms." It may work just as well with "You cut the cradle made of your arms."
Overall, though, I think you did a wonderful job. You write well and keep so much emotion. You also walk the line with things that could become awful cliches if you let it, but you turn them around on their heads. You are good. I appreciate you sharing. heart
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Posted: Mon Jan 16, 2012 12:11 pm
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Posted: Mon Jan 16, 2012 2:36 pm
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Posted: Fri Feb 24, 2012 5:33 pm
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Jessa Hazel Dark poetry does tend to be prevalent, but I am such a fan of it when it's well written. As it is here. (I really do wish I could write like you!) This time, since I've slept, I'm going to attempt a critique. I think I'll start, again, with what lines I absolutely loved. "A restraining order against sanity" That was quite clever. I haven't heard that before. Saint Misery has died once again, Even the Devil would brace for impact. " I can't even state what those lines do. They tie it all together and leave me shell-shocked. I can't move for a few moments. heart Now I'll say some things I personally didn't enjoy as much. Take these for what they're worth. "You're heart is a nuke bomb;" should actually be "Your heart is a nuke bomb;" ..."and made a form of lust we call a knife." For me, personally, the first line and the second line didn't flow together as well. The second line, I think, feels a little staccato when I read it. (I'm awful at critiquing, I apologize. Take everything with a grain of salt.) One last thing is "You cut the cradle made up of your arms." It may work just as well with "You cut the cradle made of your arms." Overall, though, I think you did a wonderful job. You write well and keep so much emotion. You also walk the line with things that could become awful cliches if you let it, but you turn them around on their heads. You are good. I appreciate you sharing. heart I half assed this one. I wanted to use the line "You cut the cradle made up of your arms"(or something like that) in a poem. Definitly not as good as "Faceless"(another creation of mine). I appreciate that grammar advice though smile
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Posted: Fri Feb 24, 2012 6:25 pm
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