Choke

[GhostlyMark]

i've tried to breath every time
our eyes greet at a crossroads.
But unknown hands grip
the simple neck, no mercy.

But every odd day,
I enter a room without oxygen.
Swimming to my seat while I
wait for the lessons.

I watch the door to either pray
or curse the footsteps of her.
Confused at the fact whether I
desire her existence or to look away.

When she walks in, my eyes stalk
her movement. Her very aspect imprinted
in my pupils. As I continue to faint over the
lack of oxygen, she saves me with an honest "hello!"

Not really my thing to talk about anything love-related  

[Gnomes-san]

The last line, after the comma, I think is perfect. It's a topic we obviously all can relate to and probably most of us have something to say on the matter. I admit I had some trouble with the meter, but I think your level of articulation is excellent.  

[GhostlyMark]

Gnomes-san

The last line, after the comma, I think is perfect. It's a topic we obviously all can relate to and probably most of us have something to say on the matter. I admit I had some trouble with the meter, but I think your level of articulation is excellent.

i wasnt focusing on the poem having a meter(im not knowledgeable about poetry but i don't think that free verse poetry needs a meter or rhythm) but it was more into feeling, like how some can't talk or "choke" when seeing their crush or trying to converse with them..or at least how i see it. Oh and in the second stanza, first line, when i saw "But every odd day" i mean that in high school(and some middle schools) they separate classes

Ex: Periods 1, 3, and 5 on Mondays and Wednesday
Periods 2. 4 and 6 on Tuesdays and Thursday
Alternate on Fridays

thanks anyways  

[Gnomes-san]

Oh, yeah, my HS had that exact schedule. It always bugged me in months that had 31 days that we had the same classes back to back.  

[GhostlyMark]

Gnomes-san

Oh, yeah, my HS had that exact schedule. It always bugged me in months that had 31 days that we had the same classes back to back.

if i wanna post another piece, do i make another thread or should i keep posting them here  

[Gnomes-san]

GhostlyMark

Gnomes-san

Oh, yeah, my HS had that exact schedule. It always bugged me in months that had 31 days that we had the same classes back to back.

if i wanna post another piece, do i make another thread or should i keep posting them here

Another piece? cool. I would recommend making a separate thread.  

[XMa_kemehx]

I thought you were done with her
I thought you really loved her
I thought you cared about her
I can see it in your eyes,
Your just another lie
You said you wouldn't leave her
Now it's like you can't see her
Now your all alone
Maybe you should of believed her
Maybe you should of thought of her
Instead of leaving her out in the cold
Like she's a old game
You don't play anymore
Now she lives in shame
Behind that door
But you didn't believe
Of what she had seen
When you left the room
To go clean
The room you strewned blood everywhere
Then she cried
When you lied
Of how you tried
To deny
Everything
Your just another lie  

[GhostlyMark]

XMa_kemehx

I thought you were done with her
I thought you really loved her
I thought you cared about her
I can see it in your eyes,
Your just another lie
You said you wouldn't leave her
Now it's like you can't see her
Now your all alone
Maybe you should of believed her
Maybe you should of thought of her
Instead of leaving her out in the cold
Like she's a old game
You don't play anymore
Now she lives in shame
Behind that door
But you didn't believe
Of what she had seen
When you left the room
To go clean
The room you strewned blood everywhere
Then she cried
When you lied
Of how you tried
To deny
Everything
Your just another lie

umm why post this here?