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His Majesty Satan Captain
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 Posted: Fri Dec 16, 2011 8:43 pm
God gave us his heart and soul,
Pouring it into the molds of our minds.
Thy Adam, Thy Eve, come down to us,
Grant us the second coming, can you be kind?
Revelations talked of death,
Talked of sorrow, talked of war,
But God has given us a chance,
To save our world, so deathly poor.
Lucifer, in his darkness,
Cast a spell on the left behind.
They who were not holy enough,
Were left to die, not to shine.
But just as evil rises from Hell,
Light shall fall from the clouded skies.
Five men dawn unto us,
A chance to survive.
Their weapons made from Heaven’s rock,
Their souls bound to love none,
They only felt kindness, passion, selflessness,
God carved these heroes, the chosen ones.
Their task in sin, baked in death,
Though the cause is so unsure,
If they succeed, for two thousand years,
In Hell will lye Lucifer.
But there is one costly price
That only chosen can give,
If they succeed, Lucifer falls,
Then only one may live.
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Posted: Fri Dec 16, 2011 8:58 pm
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His Majesty Satan Captain
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Posted: Fri Dec 16, 2011 8:59 pm
Thank you. I don't think it's extremely good, mostly because I wrote it off the top of my head.
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Posted: Sat Dec 17, 2011 8:31 am
That's the thing with poetry. You may have to go back and maybe correct typos or change a word or two in order to fit in a meter you want, but unless you're T.S. Eliot it's almost always better coming right out of the stream of consciousness onto the page. At least, that is the method that most of my favorite poets ascribed to.
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Posted: Sat Dec 31, 2011 12:21 pm
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Posted: Mon Jan 16, 2012 12:24 pm
The third stanza is accomplished so well. I really enjoyed it. heart (see the last comment of this post)
Gnomes-san mentioned meter, so I'll try not to repeat him, but I wanted to warn you to look out for meter when working with rhyming poetry. If you aren't careful, the lines will sound forced in your need rhyme ending words, and your meter could take a hit.
For example:
"God gave us his heart and soul,
Pouring it into the molds of our minds.
Thy Adam, Thy Eve, come down to us,
Grant us the second coming, can you be kind?"
Just looking at the first stanza, "Pouring it into the molds of our minds" and "Grant us the second coming, can you be kind?" have different stressed and unstressed syllables in the meter which makes it sound a little forced. That generally happens in rhyming poetry, unless, like Gnomes-san said, you tweak one or two words to fit the meter, which may compromise the impact of your wording and overall meaning.
You did an excellent job, though. I always love religious-themed anything of any kind, and you didn't disappoint.
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His Majesty Satan Captain
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Posted: Mon Jan 16, 2012 7:08 pm
ThatGirlWhoWrites The third stanza is accomplished so well. I really enjoyed it. heart (see the last comment of this post) Gnomes-san mentioned meter, so I'll try not to repeat him, but I wanted to warn you to look out for meter when working with rhyming poetry. If you aren't careful, the lines will sound forced in your need rhyme ending words, and your meter could take a hit. For example: "God gave us his heart and soul, Pouring it into the molds of our minds. Thy Adam, Thy Eve, come down to us, Grant us the second coming, can you be kind?" Just looking at the first stanza, "Pouring it into the molds of our minds" and "Grant us the second coming, can you be kind?" have different stressed and unstressed syllables in the meter which makes it sound a little forced. That generally happens in rhyming poetry, unless, like Gnomes-san said, you tweak one or two words to fit the meter, which may compromise the impact of your wording and overall meaning. You did an excellent job, though. I always love religious-themed anything of any kind, and you didn't disappoint. I thank you very much for the constructive criticism. I was rushed on that first line, and wrote the poem in around five minutes. These are supposed to be the first excerpts of a lost book of the bible in a story I'm writing. If you'd like to me to go more in depth on its plot, I could, but I won't unless I'm asked.
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