Constructionism (Under Construction) with AvalonAuggie

[AvalonAuggie]

Different, still cheesy thread title.

Updates:
7th Sep 2010: Starting this thread!
1st Jun 2011: Having coming across the great big labeling hullabaloo on Patheos and The Wild Hunt, it really forced me to look at how I view my spirituality, and how perhaps my methodologies are not the most effective. Notably, I find I can agree with people on both sides of the pagan versus not pagan debate, and I realize that some (okay, a lot) of my objections to mainstream "Wiccan"ate Paganism are due to embarassment on my part from having been that type of person in the past, and also various social trauma conditioning from grade school. All the drama makes me want to stick my head in the sand and avoid communicating with anyone in the Pagan (or Pagan and Polytheist) internet world, but I need to get a handle on how I think, first, and how I approach the long, ongoing, and sometimes very annoying process of building my own spiritual path. So a revamp of this thread is in order. hooray!

Table of Contents
Animism Overview
Bio and Labeling
Cosmological Worldview
Genealogy and the Importance of Ancestors
The Big Two Or Three
Holidays
Hooray For Ethics!
Foodie Kitchen Witchery
Arts and Crafts and Craft
Tools for Spiritual Growth
Sans "K" --Magic and Why I Generally Do Not Bother
Death and the (Moral) Compass
Questions and Comments
Bibliography/Linklist  

[AvalonAuggie]

Animism Overview

In General:
Animism is one of those things that is found in so many disparate cultures that it almost doesn't need explanation, but for the sake of clarity, here you go:
An animist worldview holds that every part of the universe, animate or inanimate, has a soul/is divine/contains Spirit. Different cultures and individuals vary in their views of the nature of spirit, the definition of soul if Deity exists as a separate entity from this system, what-have-you, but in general, the view is separate from pantheism, where you get a more unified concept of the same Spirit infusing everything. Animism tends to differentiate between spirits as distinct entities.
Shinto, for example, is a highly structured animist spirituality dealing with various types of kami, some of whom are Deity-level entities. Other kami exist on a smaller scale than the polytheistic pantheon, but the general effect is that spirits are everywhere.

In My Experience:
Having moved from pseudo-Wicca to general eclecticism, I've drastically altered my concept of Deity, at least in how I worship. I could describe myself as an agnostic polytheist, given that I fully believe in the capacity for different gods to exist, but I've never had any encounters or experiences that I could study, look back on, and definitively classify as deities. Labeling my beliefs as animist is, for now, a generally good way to mesh my philosophical views about the universe and my experiences with various spirits.

I definitely go through periods where I get irrationally jealous of other Pagans for having fulfilling, personal relationships with Deities that have names and historical traditions and everything, and I wonder why, if there are Gods, they don’t seem to want me or care if I worship them. On the other hand, my ancestors have been consistently willing to help me out in troubling situations, so I don’t feel that bad that I don’t have a nice neat pantheon to work with.  

[AvalonAuggie]

Bio and Labeling

So here's me: a biracial bisexual-leaning-towards-just-Queer eclectic foodie pagan knitter. That’s about as simple as I can get with the labels.

Ancient History
I grew up in a city populated with a lot of ex-hippies, various ethnic minorities, and Jews ranging from very very orthodox to so reform they use the UU building for their meetings and play tambourines and John Lennon songs for mitzvahs. My parents had both grown up questioning their strict-ish religious upbringing (Lutheran for my mom, Roman Catholic for my dad), so they didn't want to force any faith on me but enrolled me in the local Presbyterian Sunday school (I was never baptized, though) and went to the church because they had friends there and it was a nice welcoming congregation.

And that was fine, until an incident I recall when I was about...four, say, where us toddlers had a playtime activity wherein we were to march or dance along in a circle and sing along to that perennial classic, "Jesus Loves Me This I Know." Which is an awful grating song that gets stuck in my head to this day whenever I think about it. Now, maybe I was just fussy that day and would rather we had storytime instead of singing this stupid song, or maybe I was just remarkably astute for my age, but the one thing that stands out to me about that day was that I really, really took issue with the line "for the Bible tells me so." I could not get it through my little four-year-old head why or how a book could tell anyone that kind of absolute truth, and why we were expected to believe this statement coming from a book rather than our own observation of the world or another human being, preferably this Jesus fellow himself. Also, books are written by people, so doesn't that mean that it's really some person telling us so?

Maybe I was just having a bad day. But it stuck with me, and as my years in Sunday school went on, I began to get more and more bothered by the other kids, and especially the teachers. They were too nice. They were too cheerful. They were in good moods all the time, and even at the age of seven or so I found people who were constantly happy very disingenuous. So I told my parents I didn't really like Sunday school anymore, and they said that that was fine, and they were only going to church because they thought I wanted to, and we stopped after that. Thanks, parents!

Oh, "Wicca."
None of this laid-back, tolerant upbringing stopped me, however, when I discovered "Wicca" at the age of fourteen and turned into a full-blown angry, ranting, "Those Evil Christians Stole Our Holidays" fluffy bunny. I cringe just thinking about it. Thankfully, someone on AOL chat (this was the 90s, of course) pointed me towards Why Wiccans Suck, and after being deeply and personally offended for a while, I realized that that I purported to believe was really silly, and not, in fact, Wicca. So I dropped that label like it was hot and called myself Pagan from there on out, still maintaining the Cunningham-ish vaugely Wicca-flavored belief structure I had started out with.

The years from then to now have been filled with a lot of questioning, feeling very alone, refining my spiritual worldview, and generally neglecting any sort of practice or celebration of holidays. If it wasn't around Christmas or Halloween, I could not for the life of me keep track of this Wheel of the Year, and I felt very guilty about that, since I was "supposed" to be this really thoughtful, observant person who reveres Nature and all its wondrous cycles.

Auggie Stops Being Such a Jerk
After discovering Gaia Online, the heady/terrifying world of M&R, and this guild, I feel like I got the last remnants of "I'm young and angry and I know everything" shaken out of me. It was hard, and painful, and I have to give thanks to folks like Nuri and Tea, without whom I might still be a fanatical psuedo-intellectual snob.

And then I went to college! And then I really accepted the importance of Research! And I had to redefine everything I believed in! And then at some point I realized that I was not really being an active participant in m own life! And I got seriously Depressed! And then I dropped out!
And then I got better. Thanks, therapy! Also, thanks Girlfriend!

As it stands now, I've accepted the fact that I'm eclectic and I need to build my own path that's relevant to me in order to incorporate Paganism into my daily life. My path also needs to be relevant to my culture, which is a tricky thing since 1) I'm American and 2) I have mixed ancestry. To date there hasn't been any ancient pantheon sending me "you are our blood, you belong to us" messages, which is kind of sad since I do love me some research and I think I'd enjoy a Recon path if that's what I was called to. But I'm not going to just jump in and force a relationship with gods that don't want me. That would be pretty rude.

The spirits that do seem to want a relationship with me will be described below.  

[AvalonAuggie]

Cosmological Worldview

...One learns that the world, though made, is yet being made, That this is still the morning of creation. That mountains, long conceived, are now being born, brought to life by the glaciers, channels traced for rivers, basins hollowed for lakes. That moraine soil is being ground and outspread for coming plants...while the finest part of the grist, seen hastening far out to sea, is being stored away in the darkness, and builded, particle on particle, cementing and crystallizing to make the mountains and valleys and plains of other landscapes, which, like fluent pulsing water, rise and fall, and pass through the ages in endless rhythm and beauty.-----John Muir 1879

Attention: Here be UPG.

I've painted myself into something of a spiritual and intellectual corner by deciding to DIY my path and make it culturally relevant to my background. So what do I believe?

That quote above is there because that's one of the most beautiful statements I've ever heard, and its use in the Ken Burns documentary The National Parks makes me cry buckets. That entire film does. Every single time. Despite my intellectualism and my need for research and sources and historical data, the raw grandeur of nature still has a major hold on me, and I don't think I could be anything other than a dirt-worshipping heathen (tm HBO's Deadwood) if I tried.

The Muir quote is also appropriate because my first real spiritual experience/moment of gnosis occurred while visiting Muir Woods National Monument on a vacation to northern California. It was my first encounter with a strong, conscious natural presence, and it made me realize that I wasn't just deluding myself about the existence of spirits. Thank you, John Muir and Teddy Roosevelt.

Spirits of Place have a strong hold over me, and depending on where I live or visit, they have the most influence on how I worship, relate to my surroundings, and deal with any emotional disturbances. Occasionally I'll encounter a spirit that is very assertive, demanding my recognition and respect. For whatever reason, these have generally been lakes, rivers and oceans. Lake Michigan in particular gave me a sense of awe, being something much, much larger, older, and more powerful than myself, and really not giving a crap whether I lived or died. I find such experiences humbling, and comforting in a strange way.

Other spirits have a quieter presence, and I only realize how much influence they have over me when I'm not around them. Moving away from my hometown, where I've lived all my life, made me profoundly aware of how deeply I relate to the land.  

[AvalonAuggie]

Geneaology and the Importance of Ancestors  

[AvalonAuggie]

The Big Two Or Three  

[AvalonAuggie]

Holidays  

[AvalonAuggie]

Hooray For Ethics!  

[AvalonAuggie]

Foodie Kitchen Witchery  

[AvalonAuggie]

Arts and Crafts and Craft  

[AvalonAuggie]

Tools for Spiritual Growth  

[AvalonAuggie]

Sans 'K' --Magic and Why I Generally Don't Bother  

[AvalonAuggie]

Death and the (Moral) Compass  

[AvalonAuggie]

Questions and Comments  

[AvalonAuggie]

Bibliography/Linklist