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X_xCalliope_ Musex_X

PostPosted: Sat Apr 10, 2010 10:46 pm
Things that no one seems to hear
Whisper softly to my ear
Finding me in the dawn-lit hour
While someone else would contemplate a shower

The thoughts of all the outcasts here
Around the world and many like deer
That sing the same old quiet tune
That probably was once written in rune

The quiet ones, the warrior warners
The silent could-be mourners
Somehow they’ve been silenced
Forced to bear witness to our violence


Have you counted up their tears?
There’s just as many as their fears
For every fear you hide at heart
You can be sure one of them shares it in part

The power the human being craves
Has forced so many to turn to wraiths
But these are the few, the pure
Perhaps they hold our forgotten cure?

Not many see something quite like this
No, their too busy pondering a kiss
But when you see through open eyes
The guardian angel beside you flies

But by seeing in this new perspective
You risk become quite the skeptic
Can the human race be good?
Well, they all know that they should

So now we come to a large conclusion
That you can see truth or illusion
But either way, the outcome’s grim
Because we all stand on this same rim

The world changes as we speak
Perhaps there will be a good change this week
But now look at all the sad
The miserable, the musty, and the bad

Are these people that we think of?
Because we see to be thinking of the rough
Gritty, gross, grotesque and grimy
Smelly, sulfurous, and slimy

These words more accurately describe
Something that we refuse to inscribe
The human soul, that mythical thing
The one people forget to bring

Can this world continue on?
When all we care for is tonight’s filet mignon
Save us! Save us! Someone please!
That’s what we cry, we might as well be fleas

Annoying, selfish, leaching slugs
That’s what we’ve become, simple rugs
And yet there were those silent few
Who watched the morning collect its dew
 
PostPosted: Wed Apr 14, 2010 2:04 pm
Very interesting work. There are a few words I might correct and change, but not many. You make your views on the human race quite plain and clear. You are frank in an indirect sort of way, being brutally honest, but putting everything in a twisted metaphoric way. I like the message your poem gives, and think it flows well. There are a few things that you might want to correct, but right now I'm feeling lazy and well you can just pm me about them. The mistakes are few and far between, but it would be good for you to fix them, and even better if you found them on your own. (ctritiquing one's own work is always the hardest!) Anyway keep up the great work; I'd be happy to read more!  

EstoPerpetua


X_xCalliope_ Musex_X

PostPosted: Thu Apr 15, 2010 12:23 am
Well, thank you for the praise. I'd love to hear whatever you'd have me change. Truthfully, this poem is about a year old, and definitely ready for some revising. I don't think I've read more than the first three stanzas in a couple months. Oops.  
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Poetry

 
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