Earthquake

[EstoPerpetua]

I just wrote down a free verse idea. I know I need to improve it and I am hoping for some constructive feedback. Well here goes nothing.

Peace,
The world is peaceful.
People go about their daily business,
Shopkeepers call from their stalls.

Suddenly,
The earth is no longer still,
It shakes and tumbles,
Rattles and rolls,
Destroying the surface,
Disrupting the daily life.

As suddenly as it started,
It was over.
The dead lay in the street,
Many more lay under buildings,
Collapsed during the tremor.
The air smells of fear and blood,
The water is tainted with it.
A lone child cries for its mother,
The mother for her child.
Neither find their quarry.

Abandoned in the dirt paths,
The wounded die.
Stuffed into hospitals,
The sick pass on.
Trapped in the rubble,
The dead lay still.

There are riots in the streets,
The people are starving,
Dying of thirst.
Help comes and goes,
Nothing remains firm.

The light is flickering,
Being consumed by the dark,
It is almost swallowed,
Completely.

But still there is a flicker,
And with a flicker there is a chance.
As long as there is a will there is a way,
As long as there is a flicker,
There is hope.

 

[Stelle Cadenti]

Did you write this piece thinking of what happened in Haiti? That's what it makes me think of. It's very relevant right now.

My major critique is that it doesn't feel much like a poem. I mean. it has the stanzas and line breaks, but the word choice feels very uninspired. It's reads more like a news report with an odd format than a piece of poetry. My suggestion to help with this is to rethink the imagery you're using, right now it's very concrete. Some of the best poetry uses imagery that you wouldn't really put in the same context as the topic of the poem, but it's those contrasting elements that make the poem memorable.

I think 'Earthquake' would be more effective if you found one very striking image/metaphor/symbol or what-have-you, and used just that one throughout the poem. It feels like you're trying to cover a lot of ground, but that really isn't necessary.