Lend an Ear: A Life Support Thread

[Anbaachan]

WELCOME!

Do you need a shoulder to cry on? Someone to listen to your problems? Do you have an ear or shoulder to lend? Then you’re in the right place.

Hello. My name is Anbaachan and as keeper of this thread, I’d like to welcome you all. I don’t know about most of you, but I know for a fact I am an emotional eater, which is disastrous to anyone on any diet. And considering this is a weight loss guild, I figured that a thread about helping each other out emotionally could help considerably.

In a nut shell, this thread is for people who need to rant, seek advice, console, and give advice. Besides the fact that writing is cleansing emotionally, it also keeps you busy, distracting you from eating, even if it’s just for 5 minutes. So whether you are a seeker of support or the giver, we can all benefit from this!

 

[Anbaachan]

Rules:

The rules are simple, and probably don’t need to point them out (considering this is not the GD I’m posting in…), but just as a reminder. So, for your benefit:

1. Be Serious – That is the whole point of this thread. We’re real people with real problems. Please don’t take lightly on anyone’s situation.

2. No Flaming – If you don’t like a suggestion, then ignore it. If you can’t handle someone’s problem, don’t answer it. When someone is upset and seeking aid, the last thing anyone should do is alienate them.

3. Don’t Always Expect an Immediate Response – We’re all human and on different schedules. Just because someone didn’t post right away, doesn’t mean it wasn’t read. So please don’t quote your original post several times. You’re likely just going to get ignored. Also, some people might not know how to respond to something, some problems are bigger than others, thus needing different types of answers.

4. Keep an Open Mind – People are putting themselves on the lines here. Again, do not alienate anyone if you don’t agree with something or don’t understand the situation. It IS okay to ask for more information if it will aid in giving advice. But no one is obligated to share more than they are comfortable with.

5. Please Site a Source When Necessary - If you are talking anything medical, it is just best to site a source. Linking is beneficial to everyone, because it makes you look like you know what you’re talking about, answers any questions about what you are quoting, and people are more likely to trust your judgment.

 

[Anbaachan]

OPEN FOR BUSINESS!

 

[Anbaachan]

Alright, I know this looks bad, me starting a thread and I'm the first to rant... But I have to get some thoughts on this. I don't really have anyone to get good opinions from in IRL. So please, I could use suggestions.

First of all, let me say, sorry if you actually read my journal on here and have seen me ranting about this for the last week or so. Secondly, this issue has to do with me and my friend.

Some background knowledge:
~We've been friends for about 7 years, since our junior year of high school
~We're both 23
~We live 1.5 hours away, she in Chicago, me in Milwaukee
~She's single, I've been married 3 years

So, about early December, I told her I wanted to spend New Years Eve with her. Mainly to see her, but she would be saving me from a get together I really didn't want to go to. I knew that if I hung out with her, anything I did on New Years would be far more enjoyable because she was there. She agreed that we should get together and all was well. I felt a little bad because I felt like I forced myself into her plans (I was very adamant about not going to the party), but she never said anything about feeling invaded and even said it was okay, she understood why I wouldn't want to go. I told her I didn't care what we did, even if it was hanging at her house and getting drunk, I just wanted to hang out with her.

She had mentioned going to a party, but she didn't know any details. She was basing her information on the fact there was a party last year, so she assumed there'd be one this year. I again, was alright with that, because we'd be hanging out.

She later gets confirmation that there is in fact going to be a party, but she needed to talk to the guy about it. This was probably a week of Xmas, if that, because she didn't even confirm this with me until the 23rd, when I called her. at that point, she said she needed to make sure I could come because it was only supposed to be a small party. At the time, I didn't think about suggesting doing something else and honestly didn't think me showing up would be that big of an issue. I think I even offered to bring food if I went.

Well, I get an email on monday, after Xmas stating that she has to work all week, including on new years, but she didn't know when she'd get out on thursday. For me, that's no big deal, honestly, my hubby could have dropped me off during the afternoon, and heck, I could have sat with her parents if she wasn't home yet, or even sat at a bookstore and had her pick me up on her way home. Easily could have been worked out.

But then, the next paragraph of her email tells me I can't go to the party. It went from a small party to a pig party and friends aren't allowed to come. Okay, again, I can deal with that, we could have done something else. But then she says basically 'Oh well, you would have had to come down later anyway.', like it was a big deal and confirming that she was still going to the party. Thus, blowing me off majorly.

I was upset. I was hurt and angry and I cried. I know it's not that big of a deal, but she blew me off completely. She then goes on to talk about how she's going to invite me to a girls night... Sounds great, but she's NEVER invited me before. I've been expressing that I wanna hang out with her and some of her friends for a while now and never have I been invited... so why should I believe it this time?

To add insult to injury, I later found out she blew me off to hang out with another friend who could go to the party because she was invited. I'd be more okay if she was looking to go get laid, but no, she blew me off for another one of her girl friends. It made me feel like s**t.

So I told her. I emailed her back very simply stating that I understood that she had to work and I wasn't invited, but that it really upset me that she completely canceled our plans so she could still go. I also stated that it made me feel like she didn't want to hang out in the first place. I said i hope she'd have fun and I'd talk to her later. About 24 hours later, I got this response: "I'm sorry that you feel that way, but I hope you know that I mean it when I say that you have to come down for a girls night out."

Now, maybe she didn't mean to phrase it that way... but I read it as a brush off. A 'poor baby, shut up and deal with it'. Which, coming from someone who is supposed to be your best friend, is like a slap in the face. I was trying to be honest with her, but she basically just blew me off again!!!

I'm still upset. I'm mad and hurt. But I don't know what to do. I feel like s**t, because we're in limbo, because I don't know if what I said pissed her off. She hasn't tried to contact me and didn't even wish me a happy new year, making me think, she is. I don't know if I should bother initiating a conversation either through email or over phone (which I'd prefer not to use phone because I'm still pretty raw emotionally) and tell her how I feel about the situation or if I should continue waiting to see if she'll contact me.

I'm at a loss. I'm hurt and angry and without one of my few friends. So I guess what I'm looking for is this:

~Should I contact her and tell her in full how I feel (I will definitely post here first)?
~Am I completely batty for taking this situation like I did?

I just need some outside thoughts and suggestions. Please and thank you!!

 

[Stars in my Pocket]

I'm sorry to hear about the situation.. It really sounds like she's not as good a friend as you'd like her to be. Is she just naturally aloof (some people just aren't good at keeping plans together, ie me.) or is she a social person? 'Cause if she's social (which dropping you for an "invited guest" seems like she is, in fact, social) then she's just really not a good friend or perhaps isn't interested in continuing your friendship.

I don't think you over-reacted but I think that you took what was probably a nothing-to-her situation and made it a big deal, which I understand because it would have really hurt my feelings too. You seem like you're a fun person to be around, but I would try to invest some time in a few other friendships to have alternate plans. You seemed kind of desperate to get out of the other party, but that could have come off as just clingy to her when in reality you might just have really, really not wanted to go.

I wouldn't press the issue any further with her though, as she seems completely uninterested in the fact that her plans really upset and disappointed you. If she weren't a long term friend I would tell you to drop the relationship then and there, as it really isn't healthy as is, but as it's a long-term friendship, the decision is up to you. I know one of your concerns is that you're married and she is single, but that shouldn't factor into a friendship at all, really. Follow your gut instinct, and remember that just because you've been friends for that long doesn't mean that she can treat you like garbage, and it's never too late to stand up for yourself and get out of that friendship.

I guess in summation you just have to weigh the good and the bad and see what is worth it to you. I hope all goes well with whatever you decide to do. <3 <3  

[Stars in my Pocket]

My ranting/etc. about my living situation. Note: I'm very thankful for a roof over my head and love everyone but it's just so frustrating to deal with people sometimes.

- - - - - - - - - -

I lived with my boyfriend for a while and I loved it at first.. then his brother/gf moved back in.. then his sister moved back in, got knocked up, had a baby..

My bf is 22 and the youngest child. I'm 19 and youngest member of household. We're the only 2 with jobs. His mother is single and supporting 7 people. /: The brother/gf have no jobs. The brother isn't even going to school, I have no idea how you could live your life doing nothing all day, ahhh. His gf is "a university student" so she can't work, but she's only taking 1 class. I take 4 classes + teach horseback riding lessons. Kory was in a massage therapy program and works 20hrs a week, he's looking to double that now. And they steal our food and come into our room when we aren't there. I've had some alcohol go missing as well as cash before I could get it to the bank. (Not our alcohol, we hid from his mom lolz read on).
The sister got knocked up by a guy she had been dating 3 weeks. Baby was born, he ditched (surprise?) and she leaves dirty diapers in the 1 bathroom upstairs. (That she, my bf/I, and his brother/gf all share). It's disgusting. Then his mom has Hep C and is like on the verge of death but still drinks like a fish on the weekends with her "friends" (who are like 23?). So we hid a lot of the rum/liquor. It's just horrible. Call me prude but I was raised to like, get a job and have a career and go to school and such. Oh well.

So I couldn't take it anymore and moved back to my house. There are 7 people in my house too, because her bf never went to college past an associates so he works 60hr/week and it all goes to child support 'cause he has 4 kids. She's going to break up with him in May but that's still 5 months away. Ugh. Her mom (my grandmother) moved in with us, too. She was one of those "dahling~" rich spoiled people and she follows me everywhere because she's so clingy/needy. And it's insane. She's such a downer and she has OPPORTUNITIES to get out and do stuff but I'll just try to be nice and make conversation with her and she bitches about something. Or she'll wake me up at 7am to tell me about something my brother did to annoy her. Don't wake me up for that. -_-;
My brother is OK but he can be a d**k sometimes (hello, 18y/o male is typical) and his gf doesn't live here but she's nice too. Mom's bf's youngest kid lives with us and he's 15 years old and drinks like no other because both of his parents (Mom in Pennsylvania?) don't want him. I feel bad for the kid.
I feel bad for my mom, too, 'cause she misses my dad (we all do) and she works so hard for all of us. I just want her to be happy. I'm going to law school and am going to probably join her firm for a few years to get my feet in the water/ work experience. Such is life.

So while an add-on is being built on our house, I'm living in the dining room, with a sheet up as a wall, with my mattress on the floor and boxes everywhere from my/grandmother's stuff. Yay.
I'd say I want to live somewhere else but I don't. I'm happy(ish). I just wish I could see my dad, ask him what to do in hard times, etc. It's been over 2 years. Bah. I shouldn't have to go through life without a dad. It's upsetting.

I have a few more things I could talk about but most of it is like, TMI stuff. Oh, well. Hee. (: I make the best of life.
Also, sorry for the sentences/thought process (or lack thereof). I'm an English Major but just really frazzled. x___x  

[CondomAtTheCrimeScene]

I wish there were an actual subforum for this!

But anyways.  

[Anbaachan]

Stars: Sorry about the living situation and honestly, i don't blame you for being upset. I too was raised to get a job and make a living and I couldn't imagine being in such a disastrous house. And even after moving back home, it sounds like it might not be a bad idea to be saving money and maybe finding a potential good roommate or two. I don't think for a moment that you are being ungrateful or selfish. You have to draw the line somewhere, right?

I wish you luck with that though. I would have gone crazy a long time ago if I were you. More power to you for being so strong.

As for my friend, I sent her a letter explaining why I was upset, because the more I think about it, the more I can see her just not getting why I would be mad and hurt.

It just sucks because she is supposed to be my best friend... but she is very social. and what you say does make a lot of sense. I don't want to be the rebound friend. But it is hard for me because i don't have very many friends since I moved up here with my husband. It's been 5 years and I don't have girl friends. I have one, but she has kids... which is even harder to get together with than a married friend.

I don't think a letter will take more than a week to get to her... so if I don't hear from her, I doubt I will pursue it further. I can't be sad over someone who doesn't seem to value me as a friend. I'll have to get over it and move on. And when she wants to talk... I guess I'll see how I feel at that point.

I really appreciate your thoughts on the subject.

 

[Almost Poetic]

Ahhhh! *u* A thread to dump my useless knowledge.

I've been studying psychology since Elementary School, so I'm going to be keeping a close eye on this thread for anyone looking for advice or why a person acts a specific way.

I'd answer the previous posts in this thread, but it appears as though everyone has already resolved their issues since the last post was over a year ago.